I'm so nervous about the potential live in person.

 It is awful of me, I keep halfway hoping to find dad has died overnight when I come down in the mornings so I won't have to mess with getting more help.  Then I dismiss the thought and pray God's will be done.  WHEN I get a steady aide so I feel like I have freedom to be gone all day or even some overnights I expect I'll be content for dad to keep on trucking for several months or even a couple more years. 

The regular Saturday gal from the service told me she is leaving them to take a job with a memory facility because it is just too hard for her to get 40 hours a week because good clients with longer shifts pass away or go to a facility.  When I get a live in I will probably just pause using the service if the neighbor is willing to keep coming once that happens.   I've gotten so tired of feeling like I can't really make any plans where I'll be away from the house for more than a couple of hours because the service may send some rookie who isn't ready to deal with a low communication person with mobility issues like dad.   I don't need light housecleaning help that has to be given an exact list of what should be cleaned; I need someone who can hold the fort when I'm gone.   Hopefully I can get a live in who is willing to take days off during the week so I can be free to go riding on weekends.  

I have an applicant for my live in caregiver posting, and I took a short ride on Tanza today

 Did a phone interview with the applicant and she seems quite nice.  She is coming on Sunday to check out the place and the situation.   If she moves in maybe I'll finally shake off some ennui, get my pickup trailer wiring fixed and have the BAT looked at by a trailer place and try to reconnect with the riding buddies by spring.

Right now I'm still pretty much just barely managing the daily stuff, feeding critters and dad daily and trying to do a decent amount of work and keep my job, but at least there are applicants for my current posting.  Most don't seem to want a live in situation but at least there is some generic interest.  If nothing else I can probably get folks to come in overnights.  Dad has lately been sleeping in his recliner and that does leave me sleeping more soundly; he is less likely to end up on the floor than if he was using his bed. 

The neighbor that helps on some weekday mornings was a no show on Thursday.  I should text her to see if she is all right.   I thought maybe she was just confused on dates cuz of coming on Tuesday because holiday but she didn't come Friday or text or anything.   I need to be much better about initiating communications. 

The chest freezer died, I noticed it on Wed evening.

 I got the last of the rotted contents thrown away and the cardboard burned today.   I asked L to text the neighborhood ladies for me to solicit some help getting the freezer out of the house Thursday morning and one volunteered her sons after they got home from school.  I was shocked that they were in school on the 21st.  They were very nice capable young men.  Not just brawn, but knew how to deal with moving a heavy freezer.  I had pulled a few things out of the freezer Wed night when I noticed the light blinking and opened the freezer to find UGH, everything has been warm long enough to be rotting.   Thankfully most of the meat was in vacuum seal bags, but there was still some smelly liquid at the bottom of the freezer.   In the wee hours Thursday I was not sleeping, and had a pain in my chest.  It didn't feel like my typical gas pain from eating too much too late in the day but I had been stress eating that evening,  finally I made myself get up to check some vital signs, kept thinking "this feels nothing like what I think a heart attack would feel like, but women supposedly have heart attacks w/o obvious symptoms and I can't die, I need to take care of Tanza so I need to call 911 if I might be having some serious medical issue"  After I stumbled downstairs I pulled my coffee out of the freezer, pushed the freezer away from the wall a bit, I had thought maybe I could get it shoved out of the door, and went "I definitely need to get neighbor muscle to help me with this tomorrow" and dumped a bag of kitty litter in it.   Then I took my pulse and O2 with the finger monitor and my BP and they were fine, plus I had felt fine shoving the freezer.  

Yesterday, the 22nd, I put up the tree on top of the coffee table behind dad's bed.   It has the lights but I didn't get any ornaments on it.  I have the box of ornaments in the porch but I don't know if I'll get any on the tree.  The substitute aide today had hurt her foot and said she couldn't do much housework.  I should have directed her to cut rags and tape up telfa pads for me, but I let her just sit and play on her phone when she wasn't doing stuff for dad.   Dad did decide to move to bed while I was bagging up the last of the freezer contents, I was all "Oh not now, I've got freezer yuck on my clothes when I came in and heard her", but they had made it to the bed already on their own by the time I shucked the icky jacket and muck boots so I just got the pickup and got the bagged rotted food to the dumpster.   At least it is supposed to be cooler tomorrow.  I felt kind of bad putting that stuff in the shared with neighbor dumpster but what else was I going to do?  I did burn the soggy smelly cardboard in the burn barrel. 

Neighbors had a fair amount of company over.  At least the dumpster is not too close to their house.  And it's not like they had told me they were having people over on today; I might have delayed putting stuff in the dumpster if I had known they'd be entertaining.   I had thought about asking if their kids might come over and decorate the tree but hadn't asked before deciding I NEEDED to get the freezer contents into the dumpster, so with them having company today I just shelved the idea of texting one of them to ask. 

Definitely stopping the thursday overnight shift

 The gal was nice and all but she did hardly anything.  I gave her just a few tasks before I went upstairs to crash and she did a nice job of fixing telfa pads.  Cutting rags was very shoddy, she just cut into huge pieces and didn't cut out the snaps or anything and she didn't sweep the porch at all.   

Of course I dial the service and don't get an answer.   Nothing like actually living the whole "can't find an employee who will do a decent job" to understand how thoroughly the commies have ruined this country.

The neighbor who is so wonderful with dad and also does plenty of cleaning and stuff when she is here said she would come this morning, but was a no show.   Very hard to get more than 2/3 of the important things with anyone. 

Not sure about keeping the overnight aides from the service

 Both were very nice and I did sleep more deeply.   But last week the extra rest was completely offset by walking out to find Lady hung up in the fence.   The gal was so nice I can't really picture her hazing Lady into jumping on purpose so I suppose it was a freak thing like an auto car unlock with lights coming on that startled Lady and the gal probably did not even see it.  But still there is the tiny possibility that she saw the horse jump and couldn't be bothered to tell me.    And last night's gal was very nice and very sweet to Toby and Tux as well as to me.  But neither did much of any cleaning or anything.  Perhaps they both take night shifts to be more restful.  But with it being so expensive thru the service I'm not eager to pay all that just for someone to watch dad sleep.  I am able to hear him most of the time and the last couple of days he is pretty much on a schedule of sleeping overnight instead of waking up in the wee hours wanting eggs.

I just really need to get my ass in gear and start asking everyone I know at all if they know anyone who might want to take a live in caregiver / caretaker position for 800 to 1000 per week.   That is not bad money and they can also live here rent free.

Had an aide overnight last night

 I slept better and when I got out of bed to see if dad wanted to use commode or move to recliner he was already sitting in recliner eating pop tarts and drinking tea.  I'll have to ask A tomorrow to show me how she places the wheelchair and stands wrt to dad to move him.  Perhaps I'm getting the chair too close to the recliner or something. 

But when I went out to feed I found Lady hung up in the fence.   She had tried to jump over it from the outside.  There is a retaining wall and the fence is only about 32 inches on the outside of the pen, but she is not one to do stupid stuff normally.   She is alive tonight and nibbled some food, passed manure when I was getting her some soaked hay pellets tonight but she is very not right.   It is reminding me of when Dad's horse Stardust and a stroke.  Lady is all spooky when I go to walk up to her and seems very unsure of her surroundings and wanting to just turn in a circle.  That could be from the pain if she injured something but it is reminding me of Stardust.   If it was a stroke it might be a blessing if she does like Stardust and has a massive deadly stroke tonight.

But it is niggling at me that the aide parked under the tree near the fence where Lady was hung up.  Aide seemed like a nice gal; hard to imagine her hazing a horse over a fence and not telling me, or even seeing the horse go over and not letting me know what had happened and maybe Lady got startled by lights, or beep if the aide unlocked her doors remotely just outside my door and jumped that fence before the aide could see her.  Lady was not visible until I walked right up to the fence to see what Toby was barking at this morning. 

Dad had an ensure mid morning and then wanted eggs a couple hours later so his appetite today was quite good.  He is sleeping now.  The cat or dog was moving and making noise and I was like Ugh not wanting to deal with dad, went down and dad was sleeping in his chair.  I have GOT to make some calls, try to get the neighbors networking for me to see if I can some live in help or I may need to resort to putting dad in a facility this spring.   If dad's hearing was better, I think he'd do just fine in a facility, he has always been pretty social; but I do worry that with the poor hearing he would just feel displaced and lost. 

Dad seems to be getting stronger now

 I was having angst but was mostly mentally prepared for him to fade away in the next few weeks, contacted sis and bro and they both came out for visits and dad was still pretty out of it and hardly wanting to eat or drink.  Then Monday night he drank juice, pepsi and had a protein drink and 2:30am Tuesday morning was stirring and had eggs, pop tarts and tea and took his pills.   Then 7 am Tuesday I had hit my snooze button but heard "Teresa"  and he was on the floor.   He didn't need the commode so I guess he was just tossing too much in bed and couldn't recover when he ended up over the edge.

7:30 pm Tuesday he had eggs and a cinnamon mini cake, tea, and took his pills.  Then 4:30 am today, Wednesday, he was awake.  Wanted the commode but no output, and was looking hard for eggs, was sitting up in bed thinking he was going to go see if we had eggs, silly old coot.  He took his pills and some juice and ate his eggs over easy, didn't want tea.    Then 8:30 am he was stirring again,  sat on the commode again but no output and wanted to move to his chair,  ate some cheese and drank a chocolate ensure after I got him into the recliner.  We whiffed getting him from wheelchair to recliner and I had to get the lift chair but did barely get him into recliner from the lift chair. 

Dad has slept all day

 He always sleeps a lot but normally up to a week ago he would get up in sometime in the morning hours and often use the commode, maybe just want dry depends, then into the recliner, have his pills and juice and then tea and pop tarts, maybe turn the TV on and probably doze off while watching his westerns.   Today around 11:30 am he was awake, not wanting to get up but I bullied him into sitting up and taking his pills with a glass of juice and put clean depends on him. 

This not even wanting to have juice or tea all day makes me think he is fading off this mortal coil.  I've been kind of expecting it for a year now but I'm still not mentally or emotionally ready.   I suppose one never is really ready for the death of a close family member.  And he might bounce back to his normal in a few days.   He was tired and chilled Wed night after the ER visit but was close to his normal yesterday.  So I suppose if he was able to get fluids and whatever else they gave him there he would do better; but I don't think he wants to be in a hospital and I've had zero luck trying to arrange any home medical visits.  I guess I didn't try super hard; but it seemed to be "you are in a dead zone between services offered from Fort Collins area or from Denver." when I was trying to get on with a home doctor visits service. 

Sis is coming on Monday for a brief visit, returning to ND on Friday.  Maybe she will better know how to find out about getting him services.   Or maybe we can both come to peace with letting him fade away as long as he is not asking for medical help, which he has not been.   I still think that if he wants to die at home I want to accommodate that desire.  But I am feeling like neighbors, health service agency, etc will be mentally dinging me for not doing more to keep him alive.   If dad was expressing desire to see if docs could mend him I would honor those requests; but if he is ready to die I don't feel like it's my place to say "no, you have to go through medical treatments to prolong your life by a few weeks or months." 

p.s.  he woke up later,  no to "are you thirsty, are you hungry" until I wrote on white board that I could use a big pillow so he could sit up in bed;  then he drank some electrolytes I made up for him, a mug of tea and had a mini pie and an ensure plus.   

Saturday he again stayed in bed but did eat a couple of eggs and had a drink.  He barely drank anything else all day.   Shortly after I had crawled into bed I heard him banging,  he needed to get up to use commode and the tray was banging from him rocking his walker.   By force of will I got him on the commode with him hardly able to help, barely even able to sit up; and back onto his bed and cleaned up and Desitin on the tender bits. 

Today, Sunday he was sitting up when I went downstairs, with his legs on the far side of the bed.  "Do you want to sit in that recliner?"  "I might fit"  I decided he wanted to be in his big recliner.  I got him up but he couldn't navigate the corner with his walker, sat down on bed.  I got the wheelchair and rolled his bed to make a bit more room and got him into chair, to recliner and into recliner.   He wanted eggs for breakfast rather than pop tarts.  Then he ate a rice kripsy treat and drank a decent amount of tea.  The aide was not a huge amount of help but she was a steady older gal, I ran to Walmart, I felt ok that she would manage if dad woke up and needed something.  Dad woke up a bit and had a protein drink and would have just dozed in chair but I insisted we were moving him to bed while aide was here, cuz I didn't want to be forced to use the Hoyer later since he hates it, but I wouldn't have wanted to just leave him in chair overnight and his morning strength was gone.  Dad didn't help much but M was able to help me get him into the wheelchair and then into his bed and changed into dry Depends. 

I am feeling tired and run down.  I hope sis is not too road weary when she gets here and can be a real help for a few days. 

I couldn't have ONE stinking day away from dad care.

 And I wasn't even trying to do a 24 hour day,  just around 11 hours to go to Boulder and attend the work's annual program review in person.  Stinking dad couldn't TELL the aide(s) that he needed to use the commode, he was just restless trying to get up but just kept telling them no when they asked if he wanted to move to the recliner.  Well of course he didn't want to be in recliner which is harder to get up from when he needed to use the commode. 

Overall its fine.  He was dehydrated and his high blood sugar was high.  After getting fluids in the ER he is back to his normal level and was able to hobble to his chair today after I got him upright with the gait belt.  

It just sucks that there is no decent fill in when I have to be gone.   L is very good when she is awake but with her insomnia (I hope it is just insomnia) sometimes she only gets to sleep around dawn and then zonks out for most of the day.   Some of the folks working with the HHS company are incredibly good, but some seem like its their first job and are a horrible fit for me.  I don't want to have to supervise some kid, defining exact house cleaning tasks for them to do.  I want to have someone I can trust to handle dad's care, while I'm gone, even on days when he is weak and not directing them as to what he needs.

Wondering if I need to update sis on dad's health

I thought he might be near the end a couple times last spring but told myself not to phone sis because I didn't want to give a false alarm, cuz they went through that with B's dad 2 or 3 times before the dad really was fading out. 

But dad is barely eating and drinking the last few days and that is a big indicator that the end may be near.   I guess I need to give her the status as I see it and let her decide if she wants to come out when she saw him 3 months ago and he might rally and then be fine for many months. 

And I suppose I should reach out to the neighbors as well.  I am hesitating because I dread everyone thinking I should pack dad off to an ER to see if the docs could get him a bit better and keep him going an extra month or whatever.   I'll take dad if he wants to go, but I don't want to have him carted off to be poked and prodded if he doesn't desire that.   Plus I'm afraid that if he came up positive on a stupid covid test they might declare he needs to be in an isolation unit.  Maybe I could refuse to admit him and insist on taking him home if they did that, not sure.  Especially since my ability to get him into a vehicle to take him home is pretty sketchy w/o having help.  

Struggling to be Thankful this year

I'm trying to get there.  I have most of the same blessings I usually feel very grateful for, not just in November but all year long.  Job, Tanza, great neighbors, family gets along with each other.

A blessing that went away that I didn't realize was so huge was the freedom to be gone on weekends and just having more free time in general.   I'm not swamped with tasks, having aides come in and having to find light housekeeping for them to do I don't end up having to catch up on laundry and the like on weekends.  But it has been wearing not being able to just decide to go off on a weekend; not having ability to just have dad drive his car over when I run a vehicle somewhere to get worked on and stuff like that.   I've always struggled with setting up appointments and so on and that is worse now.  

I got the blues

 For no good reason.   Just feeling my lack of friends today.  I am thankful for the awesome neighbors, the meal service for dad has been such a blessing and they do reach out to me a bit too.  But I can't shake the feeling the past few days that not a single earthly soul cares directly about me.  coworkers care if I'm okay because they'd be in a huge bind without my work output.    I think the neighbors are nice to me because I'm keeping dad at home yada yada.  

T-Day.   I am wondering if I have unknowingly annoyed the neighbors.  Probably they are just busy, but I think I will suggest she can pause the meals for the rest of the year cuz I've got to deal with 10 lbs of ham, and dad's appetite is so erratic right now, plus they will have such a busy schedule with all the holiday activities.   Sent sis a text.  She texted me back a pic of her dogs on the couch.  No 'I have time before or after X if you want to call and chat' or thinking of you with dad, or anything.    I should phone brother tonight.   He is not much for texting and I haven't talked to him in I don't know when.  First I need to drag my lazy butt outside and get the horses fed though.  

Sis called me this evening.  Was even able to talk a bit to dad.  (Usually he can't hear phone at all)

I have not called brother.  I put phone on to charge 45 minutes ago but apparently didn't have the plug in completely so it is still at only 11%.  

Gray, damp, and chilly day

 I've been stress snacking a bunch.  I need to stick to my 'fasting' window now and no more food until tomorrow.   I'm stressed because dad has some kind of bug.  He is weak and low energy, some coughing and phlegm.   Because he is so weak to start with every bug is bad.  But he doesn't want to see a doctor and I don't even get myself to my HMO for screenings.   Hopefully dad is better by Sat. when the next aide shift is scheduled.   The gal on Sat. thought I should call 911 and at least have EMT's check his vitals but I resisted.  I put the pulse and O2 monitor on him and his pulse was 60, O2 was low 90s.  That is pretty good for him and he didn't want a Dr.  And I don't want him carted off to a hospital.

He ate some eggs and bacon last night and took his pills with juice this morning but didn't even drink tea until about 1, and hasn't eaten anything all day.   That happens with bugs, but feeble old person; one of the key indicators that they are really declining is if they stop eating.   But I need to stop stressing about shit in general and dad in particular and I really need to stop the stress eating I've been doing the past few weeks.

Here we go again

 I had to drag out the Hoyer to get dad out of his chair.  Then after getting him cleaned up he thought he could make it back to the chair.   Nope.   I got to wrestle him onto the lifting jack chair twice because I thought it might work to use the wheelchair to get him over to the recliner the first time, but couldn't get him into the recliner and he ended up on the floor again.   

Last time I had to drag out the lift dad snapped back to his normal the next day so we'll see.  His back looks bad again.  He had been not wanting to mess with getting washed and a bandage applied for a few weeks.   I'm going to have to be pushy about at least slapping a Telfa pad on quick when he stands up after using the commode if he goes back to that. 

I get so tired taking care of him, but I will be horribly lonely when he is gone.   Maybe I should try some online matching services.  A man who would be good to dad and understanding of me not having time to keep him company fishing or going to ball games etc would be a keeper. 

The aide thought I should call to have EMTs check dad's BP and temperature.   I can't see the point.  They can't prescribe antibiotics if they think he has bronchitis or pneumonia.  Dads pulse and O2 are normal this morning.   I should try to make him spell out his wishes for me as far as doctoring.  He doesn't want to end up in a hospital bed and I'm on the same page but I don't know if he is at a point of wanting only hospice level care and doesn't want to get antibiotics if he gets sick and when he is sick it is too hard to get an answer out of him.  

I am super tired today,  I should do a wally's run, in fact need to heave myself off the chair and do it since I already put garbage in the car and I don't want the car to get all smelly leaving it in there. 

Gaah with work roadblocks.

 Feels like everyone is blocking me on purpose sometimes.  I know that's BS,  everyone is too busy to have any time to spend actively blocking anyone.  OTOH, being busy gives handy cover to ignore me when I request a bit of help or information so I can get something done and even though everyone has to scrape and bow to DEI slogans, we are all a team blah blah blah,  most folk's biggest purpose is making themselves look better than everyone else if not looking good.  What they don't seem to grasp is that if I am overly blocked and can't get shit working, then everyone's job will be in a bit of extra jeopardy if the funding agency decides our group isn't capable.

Tired this morning

 Dad slept from about 3 pm to 3 am.   I didn't stay up waiting for him to stir, but every time I got up to pee I wound up going down at least once when he coughed or shifted in bed to see if he was trying to get up and I was tossing and up and down for about an hour before he actually stirred and got up. 

But the girl that signed up for Sundays called off and the substitute is more experienced with dealing with mobility issues and so on so at least I feel more comfortable about riding in the horse pens.  

Thursday the neighbor that is so good with dad was exhausted or sick or something.   She has insomnia issues so maybe just exhausted and a one time deal.  I don't want to rely on her too heavily because there were two fridays a few weeks ago that I thought she intended to come and never showed, the first one she had texted and I missed seeing it that she was just falling asleep at 7:xx am so could she come a different day or something.   It was no issue since I had no plans those days; but at the same time if she is going to  miss sleep for days and then crash randomly I can't count on her having an alert day so I can be gone all day.  

P.S.  Did get on Tanza and rode him for a bit in the pen.   I let Toby stay out and Tanza was pretty good even with Toby pestering.  

Again I need to get myself out of the house

 I need to go get beet pulp and want to get an extra bag of the feed I'm giving Tanza and Lady at night (they keep going to each others spots so I decided I'll just give her the same as Tanza for the night feeding.)    I have got the experienced aide here today so I don't have any worries about being gone.   I just never seem to have much energy on Saturdays.   Well I never have much energy on any day lately, but the low energy is annoying on Saturday since I could be gone from 9 to 5 on days the regular Sat person is here with no worries that about her ability to handle any care he ends up needing. 

I need to just go run my errands

 I've been waiting, thinking dad will want to shift to his bed, and might need a fresh bandage.   But I can't be waiting around all day and not get the feed the horses need and there is no work problem I need to urgently fix right now. 

Having a neighbor come in to help with dad is going pretty well

 I still would like a two or three week vacation from him if not from both him and pesky work demands.  But L is great with dad, and I enjoy her company too.  I'm having to work to have the boundary that I have to go up and do work when she is here and dad is still sleeping or whatever.  

Next I should call the home health service and reduce hours they come again.   I keep punting on that, thinking that its nice to have the option to be gone for several hours on a weekend day w/o worrying about interrupting the neighbors weekend when her DH is not off at work.   But when they have a new person I feel like I have to stick around most of the day to show them stuff; and even if its an experienced person if I think dad should have a clean bandage when he gets up I end up 'waiting to exhale' if he is snoozing late that day.    I still want a live-in person so I could just decide to take off most anytime outside of some negotiated periods and 'the roomie can deal with dad.'   But I don't want to end up with a lazy cad that is hard to evict so I'm not moving at all fast on that. 

I need to throw away some food

 I bought some fried chicken Monday from the grocery store.   Dad had some that evening along with store bought tater salad. and had dire rear yesterday.  Yuck.    I was thinking its just dad and his age, cuz I ate both items myself and was fine; but I was eating a piece of chicken today that I heated a bit over much and it did not taste good.  The tater salad is supposed to be ok till Nov, but it tasted a bit off to me as well.  So I have to overcome my "can't waste food" compulsion and just toss the rest of both things.   It is only a few $ of groceries and there are not starving hobos with super cast iron stomachs queued up where I'd be depriving someone who could use the calories by throwing this crap away.   I also had some old peanut butter that's been in the fridge yesterday morning and it was a little bit rancid.   Not horrible but I don't need to eat it instead of just buying a fresh jar.  

I hate when I know I am illogical about something like cost of food or "oh its terrible to throw food away"  especially when having the aide service folks or hauling the horse to ride somewhere is way more $ and I don't flinch at doing that. 

I am having to work to suppress annoyance at a co-worker asking me to write out detailed instructions for finding which low-level files need to be found to reprocess some old data where we missed generating products on one system that was used for archiving.   She wanted me to spell everyone out fully, instead of making any effort to figure it out on her own.   I restored some files that were tricky to get and gave her just general "look at symlinks to see what files are used" instead of compiling a list.    Ohmmm,   Ohmmmm.   I must stay zen about this and just nudge like I did instead of just doing everything for her or blowing up about it.  

Wasted trip this morning

 Well I did get some fried chicken for lunch.   But I went in with intention to pick up dad's prescriptions and they didn't have the one "its out of stock, it should come on the truck this afternoon"   I had called Sunday morning about it and thought the computer said it would be available "after 2 pm on Sunday"  Sunday does not sound that much like Monday so I think the dumb computer didn't know they were out of inventory and just had the standard refill time but it is possible I misheard.  

Yesterday my mowing operation was prolonged because I snagged some loose wire with the mower so I had to go get a fencing pliers so I could cut it into manageable lengths to unwind from the spindle.  I did get the whole field mowed, but was out of steam to put the tractor away,  it is still sitting in the horse pen, I have the gate closed so the horses can't get into that side for now.  

I must call the HMO, I can't schedule what I want online.   I have a mental block on making the appt.  I think my thyroid level will be low.  I think my block on the appt is that if the thyroid is normal then why why why do I feel so tired all the time.  But its stupid not to get that checked, if thyroid is normal I'm not any worse off than now and if it is low I can get on the synthetic thyroid and improve my daily energy levels.  

I must call my HMO on Monday. I think I may have low thyroid

 Hopefully if it is not a low thyroid issue they can find another cause for why I'm always so tired.   For a year I figured it was just the stress of taking care of dad, house and 10 acres, and having anxiety about falling off from Tanza spooking hard that was making me such a couch potato.  But last week I was thinking "geez, I'm not getting such interrupted sleep lately and I still feel so zombie, and the weather is cooling off and I'm reminded that I spent all last winter going "brrrr, I don't want to try to ride later it is too cold outside" plus dad and sis both are on thyroid.  Mom was too, but she had hyperthyroidism first, so figured they just damaged the thyroid gland too much treating that.  

I need to put aside my weenie fear of rejection and ask the neighborhood gal whom I've had come a couple times a week lately if she and her husband might be interested in living here.   Her FIL passed away on Thursday and his wife showed up.   They had only been separated, not divorced so unless FIL made a will saying "wife gets pension and whatever but I'm willing the house and land to my son" I think the spouse inherits everything and L and D will have to move.   I have been wanting to get some live in help; but I feel like no one would want to actually live here.   But since I expect its low odds of a yes; it would be stupid to not at least ask.  If they did want to do that for half a year or whatever to save up for a down payment on a small starter house it would be a huge help to me.  

Thank goodness for online meetings with icons rather than camera.

 It helps me keep my sanity to be able to roll my eyes or stick my tongue out when windbags are talking or updating process that is stuck, seems to be regressing rather than making progress is being discussed. 

Well I spend hours today debugging something that I had ALREADY told the software engineer needed to be corrected by building the qt4 we need in the directory where it will live because building in a temp directory first was messing it up.   

But I did also find a way to fix another bug that was breaking compiling the other part of the package.  A header print statement for the build log was causing a hard fail with the newer perl version.   Easy fix, just comment out the problem print statement. 

I'm lazy this weekend

 I did pull a bunch of new to me nasty burr plants.  It might be burr ragweed.  Two nasty things in one plant.   Got dad to the neighbors for G's bday party yesterday evening.   G is such a kind kid.  S said G's list of who he wanted to invite to his party was dad,  a gentleman that G met working at the foodbank on Mondays (wow, they are starting the kid young on volunteering) and G's best friend.  

Last weekend I went riding with B.   L came over to be with dad until the service scheduled aide showed up so I was able to get going early and be at the trailhead by mid-morning.   I had fun.   B had done a monster hike the day before and was a bit sore but was a great sport about it;  I don't think she was hurting in the saddle, but she was probably as stiff after driving home as my unfit self.  

I had grabbed two bottles of water to take for hydrating after riding, as well as making sure I had my camelback.  I forgot them at home.  When I got home I went to drink some out the one bottle and it was my bleach solution that I thought D had dumped and thrown away my bottle a couple weeks earlier.  Thank GOD I did not take of swig of that driving home, but was right over the sink and was able to rinse my mouth out right away after I spit it out.   I should have told D on Friday when she was here but I did not.  I still can't past "WHO DOES THAT?  Put a bottle of unknown liquid sitting on the counter in the freezer, didn't even dump it and replace with clean tap water, WTF"    I think I am going to cancel having her come on Fridays and just have L come either Friday or Thursday and I'm debating dropping to just one weekend day with the service if L is willing to be here all day if I get a chance to go trail riding or take some other day trip,  dad is ok by himself for a couple of hours while I run to town or do outside yard work etc. 

I'm so tired tonight

 I did burn goats heads I pulled last week, pulled a bunch of them on both sides of the pasture gate and mowed tumbleweeds in the horse pasture.    Dad has not eaten since having protein drink before noon today.  I'll have to wake him up if I want to make sure he gets his evening pills. 

Yesterday I rode Tanza just a bit in the smaller paddock.  Today I mowed a bit in that paddock.  I want to till or scrape to get rid of the ground hugging weeds to make nicer footing but the mowing will help.  

Sis went on trail ride with her BCR group.  Said it was fun.  I'm kind of jealous, but I did enjoy freedom of long weekends and riding vacations up until 2023.  Praying that I find a solution to be able to get away from the grind more often. 

Must catch up on paperwork this week.   I'd like to get dad to bank to get signature on his checking account and hoped the neighbor gal could help me with that tomorrow but dad has been zonked out all day so I didn't get around to asking if he wanted to do that. 

Put in an 'ad' on care.com a couple days ago

 I am ready to leave the aide service or cut way way back on using them and only fill in some when a regular caregiver couldn't cover certain hours where I want to be free.  I'm so tired of not knowing if I can really just be gone for a shift I have someone coming in for, or will it be someone who doesn't know the system and then one aide I feel like will throw away all my stuff if I'm not here to stop her.   That isn't quite true but she is a neat freak and has thrown away my water bottle that I was soaking in bleach to re-use;  ran the dishwasher for only a dozen dishes,  take all the trash liners out when she is here even when they are practically empty and there is nothing smelly in them and other stuff that is just 180 from my 'use something up' mentality.   I know little trash liners are cheap, but still what purpose is served by throwing out one day's worth of trash unless there is something smelly in it?  

And they can't even replace Dad's Telfa pad on his back if it gets wet, dirty, or is coming loose because they "can't apply medication" most of them won't even put apply the zinc oxide anti-rash cream for that reason.   Theoretically if I was not using a salve as well as the pad they could and would, or could put on just a pad but I don't trust any of them would do it.  

And I feel so rejected when one was signed up, but drops us.  I know I should not take it so personally in this day of pampered young twits that don't want to deal with any icky stuff at work and with us being a long drive yada yada but I haven't managed to convince my stupid emotions to just shrug it off.  

Finally called the young gal in the neighborhood that has a background in senior care and she is coming on Monday so I called the service and left a message to cancel this Monday's shift and told them I probably would drop all Mondays.   I am a bit nervous of the neighbor because she is very young and very liberal; but she is close; she is bored with being at home with no job and she has the senior care background so this could be very win win for both of us.   I don't want to drive her away with politics but I may try to plant a seed about how corrupt the system is and how neither party wants to let anyone who has independent viewpoints instead of the IVY group think have much say. 

How I wish I had some chick to talk to.

 That sounds lesbian since the song lyric is a guy singing about not having any date on a Saturday night.  But what I want is just someone who would listen to all my angst about getting a live in caregiver and give me a pep talk that this house is not that bad and that I am capable of spotting personalities that would be a clash and I can set something up with a trial period and then only monthly.  After all anyone doing senior care can't expect a long term arrangement since the person might die or have a health crisis where they have to go into a nursing home.    I keep thinking "everything I see on CL etc is people wanting to be right in a metro area"  but probably people who would like the serenity of rural tend to overlap with people that don't want to deal with a bunch of CL replies.   I just need to cowboy up and put in a listing for live in care on care.com plus sign up for the paid service that allows contact with folks that indicate interest when they see the listings.  

My vacation was way too short, and I didn't have Tanza in good enough shape

It was still good to be away from the hamster wheel.  I scribed for the vets the days I didn't ride and enjoyed eavesdropping on their conversations, learned a few new things.    Sucked having Tanza cramp in a hind leg at the vet check on both days I entered LDs, but I managed to take it in stride in public and pretty much overall, just a bit of moping in my trailer right after.  M and J parked right next to me.  Partly there were not a lot of options but at least it didn't feel like they were trying to avoid all contact with me.  J's mare was off after they rode the first day (hoof abscess they thought was healed up got aggravated by the riding probably.)  Tanza had been pulled the day before and was still off that morning so I decided it was no go for me to just walk one of the easy loops as a fun ride and I joined J on her hike and we had a good visit, commiseration session.   She and M are so diligent with conditioning and horse care, but J's young horse pulled a shoulder and her trusty older mare had had the hoof abscess, one of those "life is not fair" instances.   

 I resolved that I have got to cowboy up and get in an ad for a live in care giver.   Of course being me, instead of putting in an ad right away I went "I have to fix the smell downstairs first so it is more livable."    So I've been doing extra grunt work clearing out the store room and wiping up all the mouse shit.  I am partly using the dad care as an excuse for why I'm not riding much this year.   It is a factor, especially with not having a regular person where I am comfortable making plans to ride and barely seeing them before needing to take off to meet someone; but I also just have not had a burning desire to do a bunch of riding.  I want to get back to riding more next year though.  It is a good outlet for me. 

Today I rolled up the big braided style rug and took it out of the store room.   I think that was a huge source of the smell.  I had it outside, next to the entry and every time I walked by the smell smacked me, so I moved it over next to the evergreen bushes. So confirmation that I made the right decision to just trash the rug instead of trying to clean it up.    I need for the dumpster service to empty the dumpster before I put much more in it, I don't want to overflow it when the neighbors have the service.  I should ask S when the pickup is scheduled and put some stuff in there the evening before if they have not filled it yet so I don't have to worry about taking too much space on the next round.   

Ugh work.

 It feels like I have to do ALL the ops group jobs for things to work and I'm getting very burned out.  Part of the burnout is not having gotten away from all the grind of yard, house and dad care for almost a year; but there is also the work aggravation, with some folks who've been doing things for long enough they should be able to troubleshoot but they will NOT do anything that is not spelled out for them.  Then the software engineer, has vision issues (getting a bit better lately he says)  but having the computer read things out for him is not workable for finding an error message buried in 10K lines of log message from a build so I have to poke at some things and get them to work. 

Oh well,  for today that is enough whinging,  time to do the ops form.

Now I need to break away from the computer chair and take a shower.  That is ugh, rural life is sometimes too much grubby hard work.  I suppose if I were more of a networker it would be less so.  I'm not super wealthy but I could afford to hire more stuff done then I do.  I don't know why but sometimes I am so tired but I feel like I can't summon the energy to get ready and go to bed and sometimes I will feel so grubby but resist jumping in the shower.  I guess that is carryover thinking of I should wait until the end of the day so I won't get dirty again but that does not always work out and I really need the boost that comes from taking a needed shower right now early in this evening.   Arghhh,  dad woke up after less than 4 hours so I had to postpone my shower, decided to feed horses first and get him happy.  I think he believes it is Sunday morning,  he wanted tea and pop tarts.  Or maybe he is a bit sick, but he did have the aide make him some bacon and eggs around 1 pm.  

Careless me and saucy Tanza equals a sore foot

 Yesterday after Tanza got his new shoes when I was putting him away he stepped on my right foot.  Ouch.  

I just 'sent' him through the gate like I normally do; but he swung wide enough with a hind foot to land on my foot as I was standing beside the gate holding it open.    It was hurting so bad by the end of the day yesterday that I was in fear that LaVeta couldn't possibly happen but it got much better overnight with the elevation and rest.  So now it is a question mark still but at least I don't feel like there is for sure damage that is going to take a couple months rather than a couple weeks to heal up.

And another clue bat from life that I simply must hire some live in help.  

Rode two saturday's in a row.

 Last week B texted me Friday evening after earlier saying she needed to skip riding,  and we met at Spruce Mountain Saturday mid-morning.   It was hot, but a pretty ride with all the wildflowers.   If I had been thinking I would have chosen Indian Creek to avoid the home stretch of the Ren. Fair traffic.    This week was the Buffalo Creek endurance ride.   I had thought I might go and do the intro ride, but Friday I really worked hard on house and farm yard chores and was too tired to get up early and do the long drive to Buffalo Creek the next morning.  

So I went to Sharp Tail trailhead, not even getting there until noon on Saturday and rode solo.   B was doing the BC LD on Friday and volunteering on Saturday.    I need to text her and ask how it went.  My solo ride went pretty well, I was not wiped out like I had been after the Spruce Mountain ride.  Probably mostly because it was cooler yesterday than last week but I'll take it as a good sign for being able to do 25s at LaVeta if I ride smart and take care of myself and Tanza. 

I may send the BC RM a donation,   I guess a lot of people didn't show up on Friday that had pre-registered.   I would like to see the ride continue, but there was a bit of a grudge on my part for not going on Saturday as well as me being legitimately very tired.   My thought process did include "why go enter a ride managed by the person who I think told B (but not me directly) that my horse with me riding him was 'downright dangerous' two years ago?"   I had not pre-registered because had been a bit on the fence all along about should I go?, I will be late even for the intro, unless I just leave dad alone until the aide comes at 9 because  I didn't ask Amada if the aide could come early on the 5th, yada yada, but I didn't even put Tanza in a pen Friday night or set my alarm to get up early;  I was feeling so spent Friday evening that I knew I wanted to just do a shorter drive to ride somewhere on Saturday.

I will have to suck it up and haul out to ride Solo to get out tomorrow.

 I told B no worries if she already had plans but I feel rejected anyway that she does not want to meet somewhere.   But I have to get out,  I've been so close to just throwing food to dad and walking away all week because I am just so tired of feeling like I am stuck at home.  And he was pretty darned agile today.  I got up at 4 to pee and he had moved from his bed to his chair and had TV on.  He even got his hearing aides on his own which are not super easy to reach.  I was like "NO, I am not getting him breakfast at 4 am, and went back to bed" 

And struggling again with the "woe is me, nobody wants to be around me or even talk or text"  I need to realize that *I* am pretty poor about staying in touch so other folks probably feel like I'm just a hermit who wants no company of any kind.   But I can't stand being only a hanger on , butting into conversations at neighborhood gatherings or going to the neighbors when I hear them talking outside too often, makes me feel like a pest.  I just don't know why I am so uninteresting or off-putting or whatever.   I suppose to some extent I come off as aloof and uninterested.  I used to cringe with dad barging in on the neighbors all the time but they all know him and ask how he is doing.   Very rare for anyone to ask how I am doing.  

Survived the work week from Hades and did get some errands/shopping done this weekend

 No riding out.  I took a short paddock ride last night.   I can't bring myself to ask B to meet at a trailhead because I keep getting scared that dad will have a decline and I'll feel like I can't leave the aide to deal with him alone if he isn't getting around with just moderate assistance from the the gait belt.  

It was very hot today but it clouded up and sprinkled a bit about 5:30,  I should see if that bit of cooling has remained or it got sunny and hot again.  Plus dad has not stirred since he got up at about noon.  Well I can ride at home anyway;  teach him not to expect he can expect instant service any time of day when he finally stirs.  He has been sleeping a lot the last week it seems like.  Dozes in his chair all day for sure,  I can't say how well he sleeps at night.   I don't know if it means anything.   Yesterday he was fairly alert a good bit of the day and ate 3 times, plus had a protein drink so he is probably just making up the sleep today.

Hades work week.   New mission starting up and I felt like I had to fix the clocks that were not processing Monday before the Tuesday delivery.  Had to set up data flow for those clocks which involves 15 cpus on my side plus getting IT to set up transfers from the clock processing CPUs.    Then I also had to iron out all the bugs for the actual mission processing starting Tuesday morning.   Plus we are hiring a sys admin to "help me"  So 5 hours of interviews, one each week, plus I have to score them (at least I am only one of 4 scorers)  Well hopefully we get a great hire and after half of year of training period they will be a good help to me and with luck they will love our group and will be a replacement for me when I retire in like 5 to 7years.  If a global depression hasn't killed off our 'not for profit' research 'corporation by then. 

Halfway through the year already? What's that saying, the days are long but the years are short?

 Days are long in the sense of being tired.  I'm fairly often thinking 'what, I didn't get much done yet.'  But the months surely are flying by without me getting my riding mojo geared up.  But I did take a short ride on Tanza yesterday in the small paddock.   He is being sooo good for me doing the paddock work this year.    Probably helps immensely that I am just having fun when I ride him in the paddock this year instead of thinking 'I'd rather be riding out but need to work on X.'   

I got the pasture mowed last week and have sprayed pretty thoroughly for goats heads.  I know I've missed some, they are good at hiding under the sunflower cousins and other flowering weeds I like to just leave be.  The flies are starting to get thick.  I think I'll need to start using sticky paper already as the bait stations are not making enough of a dent in the fly numbers.  I also need to buy more fly spray and I need to buy some fly legging for CJ, he is getting some cracks in his RF hoof.  

Lady is getting fat and sassy.   She isn't moving very fast but every time she sees me outside she wanders over to see if I'm going to give her some pellets.   She is getting over 4 pounds a days now,  6+ scoops from the little scoop that I think is between 12 and 16 ounces.   Plus I've been giving Lady soaked alfalfa pellets or cubes and she gets to eat hay or grass free choice 24 hours a day.   She isn't being destructive of the stacked hay, or too terribly messy with the loose hay I have ready to feed, so I can indulge her.  

I am getting rid of some house clutter.  If I tidied everything up nicely I don't think there would be much overflow on floors and various flat surfaces.   I haven't managed to gin up the ambition to do that yet; but I feel like I'm getting close.  I still need to cull some things and don't want to have them out of sight out of mind instead of actually deciding 'toss, keep, or rehome.' 

Yesterday dad took a shower AND had me drive him to the neighbors to get his hair cut.   He was so excited about it the aide couldn't convince him to wait for me to get in from riding before heading for the shower and she was a bit freaked out since I had told her to have him wait until I was done and back inside.  (I had said that because I thought he might need more help getting to the shower, he had not walked farther than 1/2 the living room yet.)    The aide was very helpful, dad requested ham and eggs for dinner and she cooked them for him, made me some ham and cleaned up the kitchen after I made myself a skillet ham and eggs plate.   Plus did a bunch of laundry and made up the guest bed with the quilt from the basement I had her wash.   I made the decision to throw away the bedspread that had been on that bed.  It was ripping out where the top was quilted to the batting in a plate sized spot and there is no sentimental value to it to be worth messing around trying to patch it.  I always have to convince myself to make the toss decision but I'm getting better.

Today I want to mow the ditch outside the pasture and clean the one mini pen.  I got the fence panel moved on Friday so I can get some if it with the tractor bucket.   Also I put in some fence posts and strung some poly rope where some bush morning glories popped up in the small paddock where I've been riding.  I thought the horses had killed them all by always eating them off but these had been dormant and all the moisture this spring woke em up.  

Ugh, waiting for it to cool off a bit.   And I chewed dad out.  FIVE! minutes after the aide left he takes a crap.   I am sure he was politely waiting till she left so she would not have to deal with it.  I told him they get paid to deal with it and I don't.   I let go of my grudge and cooked him one of his gourmet burgers from Omaha Steaks and microwaved their scalloped taters and a dessert for him.  And had one of the steaks myself.   It was just okay steak, not super tender and delicious just pan frying it,  Dad's dentures are so dull he cannot enjoy steak anymore even when it is awesome, fork tender steak like Sarah had sent over a few weeks ago.    He did get up this morning while I was outside so at least he is ok with having the aides handle washing and new depends in the mornings.  But I'm still a bit mad, feels like Dad and the rest of the family have more consideration for paid help and even random strangers than for me. 

I should have made a 3rd pass on the ditch, but the tractor was getting hot or something, the PTO started stalling as I was making the return pass down the long side so I called it good.  The mini's pen is not completely clean, I suppose I can stand to do a bit more on it now it has cooled off a wee bit. 

I am tired tonight

 Wow, haven't posted a blog entry in 3 weeks either.   

Two stack loads of hay are in the shed.   We had almost two loads left.  So glad the regular grower had hay this year and I was able to get things done just emailing him and calling the hay hauler.    I could have bought another load but I want to get some alfalfa or alfalfa mix hay in big bales and I don't want over a year of excess hay in small bales anymore, I'm still thinking I might move to a saner state in a year or so.  

I did two rounds of weed spraying and my back was whinging so I ran the mower a bit instead of spraying more.   Hopefully I can get the rest of the goats heads sprayed tomorrow.    I need to get lined up for some weed mowing with the tractor soon.   I put new line on the weed whacker and ran it some.  It did seem to do better so I guess the old line maybe was getting too short or something.

Burned a bunch of magazines and papers from the downstairs office.  I am creating shelf space little by little.   I need to go feed the horses their late night ration and get to bed.  

Arghh, my laptop is refusing to display to the external monitor.

I worked without the monitor for a few weeks in 2020 when they shut down the office to 'flatten the curve.'   But I am really missing having it today.   And the next two regular days I have people coming in, the PC support person is on PTO.   I can't think how to test the monitor.  Perhaps my phone would connect  to it.   

I sprayed weeds yesterday,  just 2.2 gallons and felt like I was done in.   I did do some inside tasks later, but had no energy to do anything more outside, even if I wasn't half nervous that dad might need assistance.   He didn't need anything until he went to bed at 7.   

WooHoo, wonderful trail ride with B and Taj today

 And dad and the aide did fine while I was gone.   I am so woefully out of riding shape,  my legs are whinging from just under 9 miles total with a fairly good bit of trotting.  When I've been riding at home I have been mostly cantering or walking with just a small amount of trotting.  But it was great to get out.  Tanza and Taj were really nice for me and B.  We had a short break, snacking a bit afterwards, but not the extended 'happy hour' that M and J like to have.  That was a good for me, knowing I'd be back home well before the aide was scheduled to leave.  

The good , the bad and the ugly

 The good.   I was thinking Lady can't digest anything and I'd have to put her down soon.  By greatly reducing, I think I'll just drop it altogether, her beet pulp she started eating more pellets and with green grass to graze she slicked out and her weight looks pretty good to me.   Now I think if I can get some good alfalfa mix hay for her she may do fine even after the grass dries up.   

Tanzaknight has been really nice for me riding in the paddock and last night I took a super short ride on Sadie and she was good too.  

I was able to get the riding mower running and have knocked down the weeds in the farmyard twice this month.   The yard looks pretty decent.   

The house is cleaner that it has been in years.   I've had bored home care aides wash the inside windows, clean out the fridge and clean up the lazy susan's in the spice cupboard. 

With the addition of vervain and 5-htp or whatever Dad's mood has improved.  By adding the the ginkgo? his mind seems sharper and he started to watch a few of his favorite old westerns again.  And he got stronger and has managed to get to his portable commode a couple times all on his own.  I'm pretty confident any of the aides can manage moving him from chair, to commode, to bed for cleanup on their own now.  

The bad/ugly.   I don't think RazzMo's ear looks great.  I gave him the whole jar of Uniprim but his ear is still kind of oozing and crusty where the sarcoma was.   

The initial break in the skin on dad's back is nearly healed, but the whole area where I have been 'bandaging' is deep pink / red and has like pimple like eruptions, and today I noticed a spot on the side of his heel.  Possibly it is just callous and a bit of sock stuck to it but if that becomes a sore its another bad spot to try to heal up.  

Tanza keeps removing his RF shoe.   The two spots I think he got something under the shoe and yanked it off are fixed now.  I will try a full set again on Friday.  If he removes a shoe on that set, then he is going to be sporting shoes only on the hind feet and I'll have to fight to keep easy boots on his fronts if I ride trails where there will be any rock.  I do keep hoping I will get out and ride some trails,  probably I need to just haul out without trying to meet anyone.  I'm a bit nervous with the energizer bunny, but he is a good horse and has only ever done stupid shying riding along the ditch road at home.  

Yikes I was a crab ass today

 I feel badly because the aide is a nice girl.  Well I didn't yell at her,  I was just crabby.  It feels like all of the aides go out of their way to pester me sometimes and to completely miss how I like things done for the housework.   And with the idiot rule that they cannot apply medicated ointment *I* still have to be there to put the telfa pad on his back where he has a pressure or some kind of sore, and most of them think they can't even put on desitin.   Such a pain in the ass.   Mostly I was just so tired of dad and really wishing I was out riding with the friends I used to think I had.  And that is the big reason I've been so crabby.  I feel like they are just "woohoo, we have a good excuse to avoid T and/or Tanza"  In fact, I feel like the one couple only ever rode with me out of friendship for B, wanting me to be a trailer ride for her for some trips so she wouldn't have to worry that her old p/u and trailer might not make it and have to sleep in a tent if she did drive up solo.  

I'm just not a good enough horsewoman for their clique and/or I am too disorganized to coordinate and let them know I'd bring meat to grill for the happy hours.  But they wouldn't just take some cash to defray their expenses even though they were going to do the shopping and packing stuff to bring every time anyway.  That was maddening,  I tried really hard to not just be a parasite, one year I made a point to buy beers I thought they liked and bring them so I wouldn't just be bringing cookies while they provided burgers or brats etc, but still they hardly drank my beer and I felt like I was not contributing enough. 

 I've always gotten tired of dad, the place and the job and felt like "I really need to go to this ride just to get away from things for a weekend" Now I feel like I can't get away.   Sis keeps saying "let me know if you have a ride and I'll come down so you can go"  But sheesh I can't get caught up and get the vehicles fixed, trailer inspected, and put any conditioning on the horse so it feels like I can't go anyway and I guess with her phrasing things that way I feel like she doesn't want to come just to let me go off and loaf.  

Humpday.

 I need to complete the PITA self evaluation for performance reviews.    I hate those things.   Make up some goals based on what I ended up doing (because like most of us I blow off doing quarterly self reviews and making goals for the next year.)   

And of course it is not even sufficient to say "I made this, this, and this, work"  Oh no,  we also have to come up with some some statements of how we contributed to increasing DEI at the institution.   Honestly the fact that I am one of a few employees there that come from a real working-class, rather than upper middle class, background is probably the biggest thing but I don't feel like I can go there.  It has to be all "oh I listen and value the opinions of folks from other races and cultures and work to make them feel included"  Well I am WFH, so I aint playing miss personality at all.  Best I can do is that I'm equally distant and gruff with everybody.    And thankfully I don't have to paste on a fake smile and pretend to be good with someone having body dysmorphia in the form of gender confusion or swapping.   That is the person who is in charge of the DEI program but I don't interact with her.   When she was first hired there she gave off a somewhat butch lesbian vibe but now I guess she is no longer her preferred pronoun, the name is changed to something more masculine sounding.   I feel like that change is just about being in the smaller minority but whatevs. 

Dad is watching TV.

Between poor hearing and I think some cognition issues last winter he had pretty much quit watching TV.   Now he found his INSP channel with the old western TV shows.  He watched some yesterday, I figured the aide found the channel for him and he is watching this afternoon.   He had the volume off so I turned it on and I got it a bit too loud, it's over loud for me upstairs.  But happy dance that he is back to enjoying his old westerns.   It was a happier time in the 50s and 60s when westerns celebrating cowboy values and general morals were an entertainment staple.  

Perhaps I should now ask again if he would like to try 'books on tape'.    But perhaps TV with the pictures to follow as well as the audio is best even though he has vision issues for reading. 

Aye Carumba

 It looks like the twerp senior Software Engineer when making code work for a licensee that needed some files that had extra MGEX constellations included, just made special versions for them instead of making the standard scripts more flexible to allow specifying the mgex files on the command line.

Now *I* get to actually rewrite those scripts since we will be processing the extra constellations ourselves.    Mental daydream of Gibb's slapping him a dozen times for his stupid shortcut. 

With dad's poor health I'd be happier just coasting at work, maybe going to 50% or even taking a couple months off, but I think all the processing would implode and they'd get contracts pulled so I'd end up with no job after catching up on house and fence repairs and sleep.  

I got the lawn mower started today and mowed a bit

 I'm proud of myself for ordering a replacement fuel filter and draining the old gasoline out during that process to make sure it had good fuel.   When I tried to start it last week and it was not firing I found some starter fluid and sprayed it in the carb and it would fire and then quit once that was burned up so I figured the old gasoline and possibly a clog in the filter was the cause.  

And my printer quit working on thrursday.  It was ancient so I just bought a new one.  Got that set up today and it is working.

And I dragged dad's walker out for him to use as a side table while eating on his bed today and half an hour later he threw his covers off and was ready to walk to his chair.  He figured he could make it with the walker and he was correct.  I used the gait belt and walked behind him for some extra support but I can't keep him up just by myself so this is a good improvement over when he was super weak and I had to buy the Hoyer lift.  I may still need to use the lift to get him out of his chair if I don't have an aide to help me but he has gotten stronger and that is a good thing.

The bad thing is I didn't get on Tanza this weekend.   Oh well, other things got done.  Dr Mike was out Saturday and cut Razz's ear sarcoma out.  It got all infected after Razz was rubbing the ear and broke open the growth.  I had thought 'it bled good, it should be fine' initially when I saw the aftermath but I was wrong.   Oh well, it looks like removing the growth and plenty of antibiotics will get Razz over things.   The gal that was taking care of dad was so good with his care and figured out putting a pillow behind his back and under his butt helped him be way more comfortable in the recliner.    But I kept talking and talking with her, she was super interesting and I didn't get any riding done or clean things out of the small hay shed to move big bales.   And she only did care for dad, she did not ask if I needed any cleaning done.   So it was a big positive having her here, I've been lonely and wanting to talk and she figured out the pillow and did the washing him up and stuff.  But it is probably also good that she is not taking all of his care shifts.  It helps to have the aides doing routine sweeping and mopping etc. 

Dear visiting home care aides

 Don't give me attitude about doing upstairs housework or throwing my clothes in the washing machine after you've finished dad's laundry.   I'm busting my ass to keep my job cuz I don't have work that I could just do anywhere and my stupid management has us overloaded, keep the critters cared for at least at the keeping them fed level, keeping the bills paid, keep the place from totally falling apart, take care of dad's paperwork and take care of dad the XXX hours a week that you aint here.  If I took a long sabbatical from my work, things would probably break down, they'd lose contracts and I wouldn't have the job to come back to.  Plus I like having the job; without it I'd probably get OCD over dad's health or the stupid yard work and so on.  

Put on you big girl panties and use your training to soothe dad if he is getting agitated because I'm gone.   If I didn't need a bit of a break you wouldn't be here and I don't need to hear that he is agitated when he can't see me and have to deal with the guilt trip.  He can't get out of his freaking chair so its not like he is going to harm you.  However it may be helpful if you go do something in another room instead of hovering over him if he is agitated, maybe you are making him feel like he is a facility. 

You are here to take care of him, but its okay to ask me if I'd like some bacon or whatever if you are cooking for him.  I don't generally like anyone fussing over me, but sheesh, I'm not a robot, I do eat too. 

Started working on a dad care document today

 Got over my angst and working on spelling out what to do for people that come in.   Next up I have to get over my angst about actually getting a POA and get started on that process.    I think subconsciously I feel like if I have dad sign an official POA I'll have more legal jeopardy if some busybody Karen decides I am not doing things right.   That probably is not even correct, may well have more potential jeopardy handling things w/o having gotten a POA.  

My friend B texted me today,  just asking how I am doing.  I'm not sure how to respond.  Oh well, just keep putting 1 foot in front of the other for now. 

Friday update.   I should add a bit more to the care doc but just feel stuck.   I should make some phone calls but dragging my feet on doing that.   I want someone to hug me and say its ok.   Bought some honey silver wound ointment just now.  Maybe it will help dad's sore on his lower back better than just the zinc oxide cream.  I suppose I should buy an earwax cleaning kit, he doesn't seem to be hearing well the last couple days.   Ordered the earwax cleaning kit and some drops to soften earwax.  Dad is ornery today,  I suppose tired and grumpy because of the rotten sore on his lower back.  It does not look awful but he is uncomfortable and can't sleep well.

  I'm split between "well you want to stay here at home instead of going somewhere with staff where they might not have to mangle you with a sling to get you out of sitting in your piss and could probably do more to prevent and heal little sores" and feeling like a really crappy caregiver for giving him the sore. But I need to just quash my grumpy, guilty feelings and just move forward as best I can.   I did one small admin task today and got my old cellphone auto-refill canceled.  I've had the new phone which I got with a new # for 6 months.  Oh well, it was no biggie paying for the old el-cheapo plan as well as the new el-cheapo plan.   I need to call banks to go in and get signature authority and for the one bank I need to get his account #.  Not sure how to go about that.  Probably I should search harder to try to find deposit slips or checkbook with his account info on it.

Saturday p.s.   arghhh.   Dad's cell plan that I canceled has sent a final bill "we are unable to process the C.C. that was set up for autopay"    Freaking Bank of America and consumer cellular.  That should not have been a problem.   I keep paying extra on the BOA trying to get a month without having to get dad to sign a check since they never sent the snail mail password for online access that they SAID they would when I was moving his ccs to online so I could set up autopay from his checking so he certainly is not behind on paying it and I don't 'think' it expired, I sure don't recall him getting a new card.    It should not be a big deal,  I should just be able to pay it online with my card but why does every little admin thing have to be such a PITA to get done?  

Sunday p.s.  Arghhhh arghhh arghhhh.    Consumer cellular did not seem to have a way to pay online without registering.    So I called the ph # and the idiot automated voice took my cc #, and did not give an option to confirm or change name.  So they probably used dad's name and the charge won't go through.  I will wait for email from Chase before trying to pay with dad's other card.   p.s.  Looked at the bill again and I should be able to send a check.  Still what a PITA.   I have not had email from Chase so maybe that charge went through.

Zombie mode again.

 Dad has been quiet through the nights recently but I'm still in zombie mode.   Last night I woke up, thought 'get up and pee Now'  and knocked the floor lamp next to my bed over when I reached to turn it on.   So got to spend 10 minutes or so groggily sweeping up broken glass and then running a damp mop to hopefully get any stray tiny glass shards, and finding a desk lamp to put on my headboard so I would have light to navigate for the middle of the night bathroom trips.  

I need to call the service to schedule aides to come in again but it feels like having an aide in doesn't reduce my stress any.   They want a list of stuff to do since Dad only needs very intermittent care.  Plus dad is not communicating real well lately and hardly ever asks the aide for tea or whatever.   I wander in from upstairs or outside and ask if he wants tea or a snack to get food and liquid into him.

Mostly I am still in ARGGHHHH are you kidding me mode because the one young twerp aide dumped bleach in my laundry last thursday when I was going to the dentist.   Who doesn't know to use the bleach dispenser on the washing machine?   Surely they all have one these days.  And I didn't even want my jeans bleached,  just the towels and bedding of dads but I was about running late for the dentist and didn't spell things out for her.   And then the one on Friday seemed a lot brighter and was very helpful, washed all my inside windows but she didn't clean the lint filter on the dryer when she did a bit of laundry.  Again RUFKM?   Who doesn't know you clean that filter before drying each load?  It says right there to check it.  

Sunday got an intelligent young lady but still she wanted an exact list of things to do.   I put her to work putting some framed pictures into clear plastic page protectors.  It was a good start on sorting thru a bunch of those old pics but I had wanted to just be outside vegging out, not having to think.  

Ugh, I am zombie mode today

 Can't seem to focus for shit and zero energy.  Trying to line up to buy a used O2 concentrator so I can get dad on some oxygen.   But of course his clinic won't prescribe on the phone nor could tell me how to get someone to come in to do whatever tests are needed.  "just take him to the ER"  He doesn't want to go to an ER and I'm not going to have him hauled off to one against his wishes.  

Called a 'licensed respiratory therapist that has used concentrators for sale,  I could come in and set up, but I need a prescription to know what settings are needed."  Stupid gub'mint regulations and Demonrat lawyers.    I doubt those concentrators go high enough to give O2 poisoning and I know from when mom had a "prescription" service one,   it was not 'just set the O2 liters per minute' to the prescription.  It was 'turn it up as needed'    

So I guess I'll just wing it buying a used one off CL but I hate hate hate this stupid mess created by all the idiots voting for politicians who promise to skim more money off 'the rich,  AKA people who actually FUCKING earn their living'    to give to sniveling whiners who don't want to shift their arses to earn what they want. 

Tax day frenzy

 Heh not really any tax frenzy, although I did just put the Colorado return in the mailbox and am trusting the local post office to date it today.   Put the Fed return in the box Sunday and did verify it was picked up and not left with the delivered mail (I'm bad about not getting the mail every day so if I don't have the flag up sometimes the mail person just shoves the new mail in without getting my outbound letters) 

I've had care people in now 6 or 7 days in a row.   Taking a break tomorrow, have them coming in Thursday and Friday mornings as I have appointments.   I need to schedule to get people in on Saturday and/or Sunday.   Need to check the weather, if it is supposed to be icky I'll probably only do one weekend day, but if its going to be nice I want to do outside stuff even though I don't see myself hauling out to ride yet.  Baby steps getting back in the saddle,  Tanza has been awesome for me doing short paddock rides Sunday and a week or so before that.  

I'm reaching for stuff to have the aides do.  Some of them really want to just keep busy with housework chores while not actively caring for dad.   I had the gal last night wipe the spice jars and clean the years of gunk off the little plastic lazy susans we keep the spices on.    Tonight having the aide wash the bedding from downstairs that sis and her DH and their dogs used.  

After she helped me get dad changed we had him walk back to his recliner instead of messing with the lift.  He made it and was pretty happy about that,  I was too. 

I should make a Walmart run but don't feel like leaving the house

 The healthcare agency is not canceling me.  They reached out with a PH # for a dispatch health service that will send a doc or nurse out to do a home visit and are sending someone to show me how to use the lift I bought on Monday.    Everyone seems concerned that I am going to dump dad from the lift and break him and that I am not getting him needed medical attention.   

I should go to Walmart, yesterday I got just a few things at Safeway and deposited dad's checks as I did not want to be later getting home then when I had scheduled the gal to end her shift.   That worked out ok. I was home plenty early and she helped me set up the lift and move a few things downstairs to make more floor space.   I really need to force myself to do some more de-cluttering.  The downstairs living area is getting full of crap.   TSC is closed today so I will probably seize the excuse of not wanting to make a separate trip there and not go anywhere today. 

Today I am off to buy a used Hoyer lift for dad from a CL ad

 He is suddenly too weak to even get himself out of his chair.   Crazy, just a week ago I bullied him into going to the neighbors to get his hair cut so he'd get some sun and he was resistant about going anywhere but he was able to walk to the garage and get in the car and then back thru the house after his haircut and visit.  

 Hopefully the lift works out, I have a bit of trepidation that it is going to be very hard to even get a sling under him in his chair.  But if he can't keep using his comfy chair to sleep in then being at home would hardly be nicer than being in a nursing home which he doesn't want to do.   I for sure don't want him stuck in a yucky hospital waiting to get into a nursing home.  The NH would have social activities and folks his age to talk to to offset not being at home but a hospital would just be constant interruptions by nurses doing rounds but no real company I think.  

The health care agency is probably going to cancel me.  I've hardly used them and I think they have a clause about not dealing with people who can't get around at all.  But hopefully the gal coming today will be willing to at least catch up on some of the house cleaning that has gotten away from me.  

I took a short ride on Tanza today, just in the pen

 Toby was all keyed up when I got Tanza saddled so I put Toby in the house cuz I wanted a relaxed ride.  I kept it short and sweet, I haven't been on a horse in weeks.   Tanza was very good.   I cantered him a bit each direction and was not just smiling but was giggling with joy. 

Yesterday dad was unable to make it to the bathroom when I asked him to 'get cleaned up' before having supper.  I ordered a handicap commode with same day delivery, at least getting some value from my Amazon prime membership this morning and it was a blessing that it arrived today.    Dad wanted to try crutches so I found them.  Just as I suspected they didn't work out well.  They might be better support for walking long distances but he isn't strong enough to get standing and using them.

I also ordered a wheelchair that is supposed to deliver tomorrow and called the home health care place to have someone come out Saturday.   Tonight I ended up moving the cheap hospital bed up to the portable commode so dad could just lay on it to get cleaned up after toileting.   I need to hire a full time live in aide or give up and put dad in a nursing home.  I've been punting on getting anyone in, partly thinking dad isn't even going to live that long but that is stupid, some people live for years in a bed ridden state, but now that he is so weak I just need to get a lot more help or put him someplace that is designed and staffed for dealing with someone who can't get up on their own.   

I was feeling like I've been voted off the island yesterday and today because I didn't get a text about the neighborhood ladies meeting that I think is 1st thursday of each month but its a good thing I didn't go, with dad needing to use the commode shortly after I would have left.  

I must call the tax gal tomorrow.  I took care of the RMD distribution dad/I had forgotten and emailed the PDF from that transaction to her and have not  had a reply.    Yesterday work was crazy.  Clocks were out and the three of us that know a bit about their processing all spent hours before we figured out the cause and the solution to get them working again, and that was after a new data flow was turned on that morning and I and my supervisor were scrambling to get our scripts working.  Little things like lower case to capital letters in the naming regex  from the sample to official data flow had to be fixed. 

Monday Madness

 Must try to get dad signed up for T Rowe online.   Ugh,  their mailer with "use this app" doesn't include any of his account info.  I'll have to dig up an older statement from them.  

I MUST ask neighbors for lawyer recommendations to get a basic POA.   There are tons of online "Sign up with this legal service and get a POA form free" on the web but I need to just have a professional do it, but I've been punting on this for too long and need to get it handled ASAP.  

I don't know if I'll ever get my ducks in a row to get the BAT to a trailer place to get it inspected and see if the horse part is road worthy with a bit of fixing and don't know if I'll ever get my ducks in a row to get regular help and start at least hauling out for day rides. 

Supposedly huge push to be ready for new mission but my supervisor hasn't done her bit on the data ingest side and I'm really tired of feeling like I have to do every last thing.   Thursday night and Friday we were almost in each others way and she said she'd work on that stuff Friday or on weekend since she was on ops but no emails or slack messages that anything has been done.   I'm trying to be understanding that she is dealing with her aging dad in Mexico and has to attend hours of meetings and make slides for said meetings.  But I don't want to be the lone ranger who has to get every new mission going, even handling the tasks that she traditionally has done.  It is NOT MY fault that they haven't hired and retained a software person to do the basic web maintenance and so on so she has to do those tasks.   

I need to go get some sunshine

I have a list of indoor tasks, but they'll wait for a bit.  Even if I only groom Tanza I want to hang out with him for a bit.   

Sunday p.s.  I was moving slow and by the time I was ready to go outside dad was stirring so I dealt with the wet chux and got the zinc ointment on him.  He has a couple of spots that look like angry red rash but it was his choice to skip me washing him and applying the zinc most days for a couple of weeks.    By that time it was time for the horses' noon hay so I just gave them their hay and then used the shedding blade on Tanza, Lady and CJ.  

Spring has sprung and now that it is thawed I need to clean out Sadie and Razz's pen.  I need to blast the neighborhood text and see if anyone wants some horse manure for planting beds.  I sorted through dad's last years tax return.   He/I may have failed to take his mandatory 2022 withdrawal from his IRA and will have a tax penalty.    They didn't itemize, the property taxes for ND come out as expenses for that rental income, so the Fed return is not terribly complicated.  But I will keep the HR block appointment for the ND and CO state tax forms, it is a PITA dealing with state returns with income from different states. 

S texted at 12:30, would dad want to get his haircut at 1 pm and inside or in the sun.  He was feeling blah and didn't want to do anything but I thought the company and sun would do him good.  I pushed back to 1:30  and bullied him into getting dressed and going over there.  It was about 3:30 when we got home I said "that wasn't so bad was it" and he did agree, no it wasn't so bad.   I was sleepy at that point and just sat and read the big blog for a bit before feeding the horses,  I did drag the wheelbarrow into the mini's pen and filled it.  

Made dad eggs and bacon for supper and I ate the getting old left-over ribs from 2 weeks ago.   Sis and B are right, it is NOT great BBQ, but it is decent when its fresh and is a reasonable price for these days.  

A bit before 2:30 am this morning I heard Toby's toenails on the floor and then heard dad's walker so I got up.  Dad had dumped himself out of the lifting recliner; he said he'd tripped on the blankets next to it but I know the recliner was not in that lifted position when I went to bed.   Perhaps its a good sign that mentally he did at least want to use a little white lie and cover up that he didn't realize he was pressing the wrong button to recline before it was too late.   I wrestled him onto the lifting chair,  what a godsend that gizmo is.  Then dad was too weak to stand up and I had to tug him on the chair over to the recliner so he could just slide onto the recliner.   Thank heavens for all the planking and sit-ups I did to improve my riding; even so my back was whinging a wee bit last night and is now twinging again, I'll have to apply more arnica and take another ibuprofen, but its just a bit of over straining the muscles, does not feel like any real damage. 

Ah co-workers

We have a pretty good group, but still it feels like if I want somebody else to do something I have to take them by the hand and guide them through it the first 2 or 3 times.  Then there's the science team and their Software Engineer who are horrible about communicating when they make critical changes to tools that need a special flag to be implemented or don't want to share their new tools at all.   

I'm painting the whole groups and that aint fair.  The person who is supposed to be taking over routine processing from me and learning to do simple debugging for when I'm gone is useless until we walk through things and she writes her documentation.   No concept of using history and trying to work things out on her own first to more deeply learn things.   But she is a good team player and does some of the PITA special archiving with the funding agency and so on.     One scientist is great to work with.  Another young scientist is very helpful but I don't speak his coding language very well and that makes things harder.  

The biggest issue is we should have 1.5 more software engineers but they've had two on trial that my boss decided were not worth the management headaches.  What I heard was one needed a lot of in person meetings and it just didn't work when the germaphobe management was severely limiting working in office for two freaking years.   The other I guess did not want to do the grunt work for ops monitoring and similar and felt like we were just old and dumb because of old legacy setups.  We DO have a lot of old legacy stuff that should be modernized but we have to keep that working in the meantime and understanding what it does to know all the functionality that has to be created with newer languages is needed IMO.   Plus another assoc. scientist.    

I guess they are interviewing for at least one of the positions.  Hopefully they get two hires who can quickly get spun up and be a help.   The orbit scientist hire a couple years ago did work out very well.  I hope they are keeping him happy, we'd have a huge staff shortage if he left.  Our lead IT person is moving to France.  Scary,  but he is going to keep working for us remotely at least for now.  The other IT person seems quite good AFAICT being pretty helpless with IT myself, but I think he'd be over his head trying to do the work of two people while finding a new IT person if the lead guy quits.    I hope I am under-estimating our management,  I don't trust them to not be pinching the budget and creating burnout with the core folks who get things done by not bringing in more staff; of course it is always extra work to do the hiring process and train folks, but they need to commit to that; they keep taking on new missions to be processed. 

Ah family

I'm very grateful that the sibs and I get along.   Bro came on short notice to visit dad in Nov when I didn't know if dad's health would keep declining.  Sis is here and juggling things as B's dad in western Colorado is dying, probably within a week or two.  They spent a couple days visiting him and then came back here.

But I had the foolish expectation that both would be bored and restless and asking what can they do to help me out and the reality has been having to be a bit of a hostess on top of the rest of things.  Tis my fault for having foolish expectations.  Bro got sick.   Sis is wore out and having someone else take care of basics and being able to relax she has been dozing and reading and just coming to grips with Dad's condition mostly.   The dementia is hard.  Dad was always so capable with gun-smithing, mechanical issues, just knowing how things worked in general.  

p.s.   B's dad died a couple days after they had visited.   B and sis thought it had been agreed that B would get his dad's gun case, an air compressor and a tiller and B would make a trip from ND to fetch those things after his dad died (B and sis also thought that probably wouldn't happen for another week or three)  

The step wife's family said they needed the tiller and air compressor and B got depressive and went "its too expensive to go there just for the gun case."  More stress for sis and I.      A lot of times I think "sheesh, why didn't I try to get  a husband, the male strength and general better mechanical aptitude would be so handy to have"  But I have not wanted to deal with neediness.   When I was on a dating personality web site years ago, some of the guys interested in me were a total turn off w/o ever meeting them because they wanted a fishing, ball-game, etc buddy and I was like "nope nope nope,  I want a guy that has guy buddies for fishing and stuff and will be fine with me being busy working or going off to rides"     I am a bit envious of gals who have husbands who come to rides and crew for them, but not sure I'd want a partner getting emotionally invested in my and horses performance.   I sometimes struggle with race brain as it is.  

Dad is weak from his virus

 Some weakness is typical with a virus but since he is so weak to begin with with the virus hitting he can't get out of his recliner.  This morning shortly after 4 am I heard him trying to get up.  He couldn't even get himself moved forward which he does before getting up and was not helping me even get the gait belt low enough and snug enough to do any good.   My back had already been spasming in the middle of the night, I think I forgot to put on arnica when I went to bed last night.

  I moved the electric bed over so dad could belly flop onto it, then I could have got his legs on the bed and rolled him over and got the bed high enough to make standing fairly easy, but he was too confused to understand and/or too weak to even do that and he just went back to sleep in the chair.   I offered to call Paul to come over before he left for work, dad said no, don't bother.   If sis and B were not coming back late this afternoon I might have just called 911, I get so tired of this shit.   I cannot shift him when he is in the big recliner and if he would get so bad he needs rolled over and diaper changes like a baby there is no way that can be done in that chair.   

p.s.   Dad got up on his own later to use the bathroom and change to the lifting recliner for the day.   He slept all day except using the bathroom again and shifting to his big soft recliner.   I had to shake him awake to take his pills.   I considered just skipping the pills but I wanted him to get the 12 hour mucinex in him.   He didn't eat anything all day after his early morning pop tarts. 

He woke up today on his own long enough to take pills and have his tea and pop tarts.  I think I need to get him to  take his dentures out and clean them and use some mouthwash.   

Come on coffee, jolt me into fully awake and ready to tackle the never ending do list

 Sis and B, bless their hearts "we can sleep in dad's room"  I'm sure they think that is very helpful but now I have to make up that bed and try to do more cleaning then just in the gun room so it won't be unbearably stinky down there and I don't even know where the smell is coming from.  If I could just deal with a mouse nest and dead mice I could suck it up and get that done, but trying to find the problem spot could take hours or there may not be just one spot.   Yech.  

Started vacuuming.  Got the stairs done and a bit in the gun room.   I never got all the piss out of dads mattress and boxspring.   Maybe I can just tape some heavy plastic over the spots.   Maybe I'll send B to buy new if any stores have then in stock.  I remember in 2020 my friend B had to buy an air mattress so she had something to sleep on until the furniture got the mattress she ordered in and the one appliance place still has a spiel about having to order and wait for appliances last time I heard one of their commercials.    OK.  Big Lots has a few mattresses in stock.   I suppose I could get a new mattress and box spring and move the queen bed frame to the guest room in a few weeks.   

Well I never did super clean dads old room downstairs but sis and B said it smelled fine and slept there.  They have gone to Hotchkiss to see his dad for a day.

Dad, bless his heart has a cold or flu.  Runny nose, post nasal drip that gave him a nasty sore throat last night.   B and sis were wavering on her going to Hotchkiss as well and she asked dad if she needed to just stay here.  "well I'm pretty sick, but you can go."    I am not nearly concerned that he is at deaths door as I was earlier in the year.  But I do have a really bad record with knowing how sick someone else is.  I am giving him ivermectin again, trying the prevent him from getting really really sick.  

Done with Dad Dr appointments for a while, unless I talk to the retina specialist and they might do actual treatments

 I looked up on google while waiting on the regular doc and there are some treatments for diabetic retinopathy.  I don't *think* dad would want to get injections in his eyes but I can ask if he would if they would recommend that.    We were supposed to go there yesterday but dad said he would cancel.  Of course that meant I had to call and cancel.    I'm fairly sure they were only monitoring before, I think I would have had to drive if Dad had been getting injections in his eye(s) back when he was still going to them periodically and managing all his doctor visits and so on himself. 

I booked a dental visit for myself on Apr 20th,  have horse dentist on Apr 12 and shoer on Apr 13.  Called a trailer place and they said I could just bring the trailer in for an inspection, don't need to make an appointment.  So I will try to do that this Monday when sis is hopefully here.   I keep thinking B is going to be overwhelmed and she will have to go to his dad's for at least a couple days but we shall see.   I need to call my chiropractor, apologize for spacing the appointment a couple months ago and get back on schedule, my back was whinging at me last night without doing anything that should have strained it.   The forecast for tomorrow and next saturday is not very nice so I decided I will wait to start having someone come every saturday until April 1st.   I need to stop punting on that, even if I don't go trailer out to ride it will be nice to have someone cleaning while I run to town to shop and then do outside stuff at home and its probably good for dad to interact with someone besides me regularly.   I don't want to start another pity party but I wish I didn't feel like the folks I rode with often in 2020 and 2021 don't want me around anymore.  Oh well, things will shake out eventually.