Arghh, my laptop is refusing to display to the external monitor.

I worked without the monitor for a few weeks in 2020 when they shut down the office to 'flatten the curve.'   But I am really missing having it today.   And the next two regular days I have people coming in, the PC support person is on PTO.   I can't think how to test the monitor.  Perhaps my phone would connect  to it.   

I sprayed weeds yesterday,  just 2.2 gallons and felt like I was done in.   I did do some inside tasks later, but had no energy to do anything more outside, even if I wasn't half nervous that dad might need assistance.   He didn't need anything until he went to bed at 7.   

WooHoo, wonderful trail ride with B and Taj today

 And dad and the aide did fine while I was gone.   I am so woefully out of riding shape,  my legs are whinging from just under 9 miles total with a fairly good bit of trotting.  When I've been riding at home I have been mostly cantering or walking with just a small amount of trotting.  But it was great to get out.  Tanza and Taj were really nice for me and B.  We had a short break, snacking a bit afterwards, but not the extended 'happy hour' that M and J like to have.  That was a good for me, knowing I'd be back home well before the aide was scheduled to leave.  

The good , the bad and the ugly

 The good.   I was thinking Lady can't digest anything and I'd have to put her down soon.  By greatly reducing, I think I'll just drop it altogether, her beet pulp she started eating more pellets and with green grass to graze she slicked out and her weight looks pretty good to me.   Now I think if I can get some good alfalfa mix hay for her she may do fine even after the grass dries up.   

Tanzaknight has been really nice for me riding in the paddock and last night I took a super short ride on Sadie and she was good too.  

I was able to get the riding mower running and have knocked down the weeds in the farmyard twice this month.   The yard looks pretty decent.   

The house is cleaner that it has been in years.   I've had bored home care aides wash the inside windows, clean out the fridge and clean up the lazy susan's in the spice cupboard. 

With the addition of vervain and 5-htp or whatever Dad's mood has improved.  By adding the the ginkgo? his mind seems sharper and he started to watch a few of his favorite old westerns again.  And he got stronger and has managed to get to his portable commode a couple times all on his own.  I'm pretty confident any of the aides can manage moving him from chair, to commode, to bed for cleanup on their own now.  

The bad/ugly.   I don't think RazzMo's ear looks great.  I gave him the whole jar of Uniprim but his ear is still kind of oozing and crusty where the sarcoma was.   

The initial break in the skin on dad's back is nearly healed, but the whole area where I have been 'bandaging' is deep pink / red and has like pimple like eruptions, and today I noticed a spot on the side of his heel.  Possibly it is just callous and a bit of sock stuck to it but if that becomes a sore its another bad spot to try to heal up.  

Tanza keeps removing his RF shoe.   The two spots I think he got something under the shoe and yanked it off are fixed now.  I will try a full set again on Friday.  If he removes a shoe on that set, then he is going to be sporting shoes only on the hind feet and I'll have to fight to keep easy boots on his fronts if I ride trails where there will be any rock.  I do keep hoping I will get out and ride some trails,  probably I need to just haul out without trying to meet anyone.  I'm a bit nervous with the energizer bunny, but he is a good horse and has only ever done stupid shying riding along the ditch road at home.  

Yikes I was a crab ass today

 I feel badly because the aide is a nice girl.  Well I didn't yell at her,  I was just crabby.  It feels like all of the aides go out of their way to pester me sometimes and to completely miss how I like things done for the housework.   And with the idiot rule that they cannot apply medicated ointment *I* still have to be there to put the telfa pad on his back where he has a pressure or some kind of sore, and most of them think they can't even put on desitin.   Such a pain in the ass.   Mostly I was just so tired of dad and really wishing I was out riding with the friends I used to think I had.  And that is the big reason I've been so crabby.  I feel like they are just "woohoo, we have a good excuse to avoid T and/or Tanza"  In fact, I feel like the one couple only ever rode with me out of friendship for B, wanting me to be a trailer ride for her for some trips so she wouldn't have to worry that her old p/u and trailer might not make it and have to sleep in a tent if she did drive up solo.  

I'm just not a good enough horsewoman for their clique and/or I am too disorganized to coordinate and let them know I'd bring meat to grill for the happy hours.  But they wouldn't just take some cash to defray their expenses even though they were going to do the shopping and packing stuff to bring every time anyway.  That was maddening,  I tried really hard to not just be a parasite, one year I made a point to buy beers I thought they liked and bring them so I wouldn't just be bringing cookies while they provided burgers or brats etc, but still they hardly drank my beer and I felt like I was not contributing enough. 

 I've always gotten tired of dad, the place and the job and felt like "I really need to go to this ride just to get away from things for a weekend" Now I feel like I can't get away.   Sis keeps saying "let me know if you have a ride and I'll come down so you can go"  But sheesh I can't get caught up and get the vehicles fixed, trailer inspected, and put any conditioning on the horse so it feels like I can't go anyway and I guess with her phrasing things that way I feel like she doesn't want to come just to let me go off and loaf.  

Humpday.

 I need to complete the PITA self evaluation for performance reviews.    I hate those things.   Make up some goals based on what I ended up doing (because like most of us I blow off doing quarterly self reviews and making goals for the next year.)   

And of course it is not even sufficient to say "I made this, this, and this, work"  Oh no,  we also have to come up with some some statements of how we contributed to increasing DEI at the institution.   Honestly the fact that I am one of a few employees there that come from a real working-class, rather than upper middle class, background is probably the biggest thing but I don't feel like I can go there.  It has to be all "oh I listen and value the opinions of folks from other races and cultures and work to make them feel included"  Well I am WFH, so I aint playing miss personality at all.  Best I can do is that I'm equally distant and gruff with everybody.    And thankfully I don't have to paste on a fake smile and pretend to be good with someone having body dysmorphia in the form of gender confusion or swapping.   That is the person who is in charge of the DEI program but I don't interact with her.   When she was first hired there she gave off a somewhat butch lesbian vibe but now I guess she is no longer her preferred pronoun, the name is changed to something more masculine sounding.   I feel like that change is just about being in the smaller minority but whatevs. 

Dad is watching TV.

Between poor hearing and I think some cognition issues last winter he had pretty much quit watching TV.   Now he found his INSP channel with the old western TV shows.  He watched some yesterday, I figured the aide found the channel for him and he is watching this afternoon.   He had the volume off so I turned it on and I got it a bit too loud, it's over loud for me upstairs.  But happy dance that he is back to enjoying his old westerns.   It was a happier time in the 50s and 60s when westerns celebrating cowboy values and general morals were an entertainment staple.  

Perhaps I should now ask again if he would like to try 'books on tape'.    But perhaps TV with the pictures to follow as well as the audio is best even though he has vision issues for reading. 

Aye Carumba

 It looks like the twerp senior Software Engineer when making code work for a licensee that needed some files that had extra MGEX constellations included, just made special versions for them instead of making the standard scripts more flexible to allow specifying the mgex files on the command line.

Now *I* get to actually rewrite those scripts since we will be processing the extra constellations ourselves.    Mental daydream of Gibb's slapping him a dozen times for his stupid shortcut. 

With dad's poor health I'd be happier just coasting at work, maybe going to 50% or even taking a couple months off, but I think all the processing would implode and they'd get contracts pulled so I'd end up with no job after catching up on house and fence repairs and sleep.  

I got the lawn mower started today and mowed a bit

 I'm proud of myself for ordering a replacement fuel filter and draining the old gasoline out during that process to make sure it had good fuel.   When I tried to start it last week and it was not firing I found some starter fluid and sprayed it in the carb and it would fire and then quit once that was burned up so I figured the old gasoline and possibly a clog in the filter was the cause.  

And my printer quit working on thrursday.  It was ancient so I just bought a new one.  Got that set up today and it is working.

And I dragged dad's walker out for him to use as a side table while eating on his bed today and half an hour later he threw his covers off and was ready to walk to his chair.  He figured he could make it with the walker and he was correct.  I used the gait belt and walked behind him for some extra support but I can't keep him up just by myself so this is a good improvement over when he was super weak and I had to buy the Hoyer lift.  I may still need to use the lift to get him out of his chair if I don't have an aide to help me but he has gotten stronger and that is a good thing.

The bad thing is I didn't get on Tanza this weekend.   Oh well, other things got done.  Dr Mike was out Saturday and cut Razz's ear sarcoma out.  It got all infected after Razz was rubbing the ear and broke open the growth.  I had thought 'it bled good, it should be fine' initially when I saw the aftermath but I was wrong.   Oh well, it looks like removing the growth and plenty of antibiotics will get Razz over things.   The gal that was taking care of dad was so good with his care and figured out putting a pillow behind his back and under his butt helped him be way more comfortable in the recliner.    But I kept talking and talking with her, she was super interesting and I didn't get any riding done or clean things out of the small hay shed to move big bales.   And she only did care for dad, she did not ask if I needed any cleaning done.   So it was a big positive having her here, I've been lonely and wanting to talk and she figured out the pillow and did the washing him up and stuff.  But it is probably also good that she is not taking all of his care shifts.  It helps to have the aides doing routine sweeping and mopping etc. 

Dear visiting home care aides

 Don't give me attitude about doing upstairs housework or throwing my clothes in the washing machine after you've finished dad's laundry.   I'm busting my ass to keep my job cuz I don't have work that I could just do anywhere and my stupid management has us overloaded, keep the critters cared for at least at the keeping them fed level, keeping the bills paid, keep the place from totally falling apart, take care of dad's paperwork and take care of dad the XXX hours a week that you aint here.  If I took a long sabbatical from my work, things would probably break down, they'd lose contracts and I wouldn't have the job to come back to.  Plus I like having the job; without it I'd probably get OCD over dad's health or the stupid yard work and so on.  

Put on you big girl panties and use your training to soothe dad if he is getting agitated because I'm gone.   If I didn't need a bit of a break you wouldn't be here and I don't need to hear that he is agitated when he can't see me and have to deal with the guilt trip.  He can't get out of his freaking chair so its not like he is going to harm you.  However it may be helpful if you go do something in another room instead of hovering over him if he is agitated, maybe you are making him feel like he is a facility. 

You are here to take care of him, but its okay to ask me if I'd like some bacon or whatever if you are cooking for him.  I don't generally like anyone fussing over me, but sheesh, I'm not a robot, I do eat too.