I'm on a gadget buying spree lately

 I get lost in web searches trying to find out about transportation services or whatever and decide "eh if I buy this gizmo I think I can transport dad myself"  or whatever.   But I think the latest gadget which is a slider deal for getting in and out of a vehicle will be useful and something that will probably be appreciated as a donation later.   

Now I have to contact dad's ear doctor and try to get an appointment for next week or see if they say "take him to his GP doc"  

p.s.   Booked an appointment for him online for Monday at 2:30.   I hope the car gizmo arrives on Saturday as it is supposed to.  I should also put up grab bars in doorway to porch.  I think they would fit there and be somewhat useful.  

Great, now dad can't get his hearing aids to work

 Or his hearing loss has gotten much worse.   And can I find a transport service?   There are many, but most seem to be tied to medicaid or designed for completely bed-ridden people and sound crazy expensive.   I want an outfit that has a van or SUV and big strong drivers with training to help tottery patients in and out of the vehicle.  I don't want to pay for a stinking ambulance ride.  Maybe I can manage myself.  I suppose I could check the height of car seats.  I don't guess pickups are an option with dads balance issues. 

Mainly I just don't want to mess with any of it.  Dad may find himself shoved into a nursing home although that would suck for him when he can't even use a phone now.  

Bless his heart

 Dad just offered to take me out to eat somewhere for my birthday.   NO WAY, I'm not going to risk injuring my back trying to get him out of a vehicle but bless his heart for trying to be nice. 

p.s.  Dad fell in the bathroom last night and I had to call the neighbor to get him up.  I have got to see if I can find the gizmo I swear I saw online and didn't buy several weeks ago that was a chair that would sit flat on the floor and then could be jacked up.   Possibly I could get Dad off the floor with that.  I don't want to mess with a Hoyer lift, I'm sure its footprint is too big for it to be workable in this house. 

pps.  Found the gizmo.  There is a 450 dollar version that I bought instead of the nursing home versions that cost 4-5 times as much.    MAIDeSITe Electric Chair Lift | Get Up from Floor | Floor Lift | Can be Raised to 20” Help You Stand Up Again | Weight Limit 300 LBS | Item Weight 30 LBS

Sold by: Maidesite-QB.

The downside with this chair lift is it has no arm rests to help standing up.  But I think from 20 inches I could maneuver the walker close enough and help dad up.  There is just no way I can get him up from the floor.  

I'm going to punt going in to be in person for the work meeting friday

 Mostly because I find it annoying when they only give a few day's notice for stuff like that.  SOME of us have a lot of responsibilities at home and having less than a week of notice to line up folks to cover all that is not so easy.   I *could* have called the health aide service to arrange someone to come for the 9-10 hours and then I could have just fed the horses extra hay early in the morning and schlepped to Boulder to be gone until 4:30 or 5 pm that evening but I don't want to mess with all that in cold December weather on just a few days notice.   So I will respond that I will attend via google meeting and they can live with it. 

I'm still punting on communicating

 I don't know what my mental block is on sending a text or making  a phone call.   Fear of rejection for reaching out to buddies about riding is part of it; but I punt on making a simple appointment and stuff like that too.  Perhaps its partly from hearing my recorded voice from a low quality tape recorder decades ago.  Cringe worthy squeaky excited school girl pitch or tone or whatever.   But I have got to get over it.

I finally replaced two fence posts in the paddock I have Tanza, Lady and CJ in yesterday and put the sagging wires up on some other posts.  The fence looks passable now.   The weather was lovely and I wanted to be outside but I didn't feel like trying to take a longer ride so that project was just right.   My right arm and shoulder were whinging loudly last night but seem pretty well over it now.  Thank goodness for arnica cream and ibuprofen.   I also took a short little ride on Sadie.   I was half chilled riding even though I put on a nice dry sweatshirt before catching her so I cut the ride super short but at least I got a little saddle time.

Dad is getting around better with the walker and the tray I got for it, I no longer feel so anxious running a couple hours of errands in town.  But I still need to either get a senior care person out at least every other week or line up some other housecleaning assistance.  I'm trying to be more efficient but I don't come close to keeping up and it shows both visually and nasally.  I don't feel like I can ask the neighbors to come over to eat greek food and have dad give the kiddos  the stuff he bought them with his Cabalas card points without getting the place in better order but I'm too tired to keep the house decent all the time to be ready on short notice if they texted X evening would work for them. 

The senior care place was supposed to be set up for auto pay from dad's checking account but they sent an invoice with a note that the auto pay had been rejected.   I need to text the coordinator and see if that can be straightened out.   I thought it was just a record of the autopay and didn't open the envelope for over two weeks after they sent it.  BOA never did get set up with a login.  They had said they would mail a temporary password and I never saw that envelope.  I may try to just switch dad's cell and directTV payments to the Cabalas card so there is just no activity on the BOA.  I was late seeing their bill and writing a check for dad to sign so he'll get a late fee penalty and then I used the monthly due w/o interest, noticed when I put the check in the envelope to mail it and just decided to let it be that way.  

Ooh la la.

All the gourmands are bragging about their prime rib, standing rib roasts etc Xmas traditions and fancy make a month ahead of time special dishes.  I just barely restrained myself from jumping in with "usually have ham"  "chex mix if I want nostalgia."    I don't need to be a bore and repeat stuff I posted last year.   

Dad thinks I gave him food poisoning with fried cod last night.   Its not the first time he has had a bit of dire rear the last month or so; so I don't think there was anything really off about the fish or the way I cooked it.  But everything is always my fault.   When bro was sick "probably not used to the spicy Chinese food" bro picked the entree he wanted, and I think he is used to spicy food and didn't really seem like he had a stomach upset so much as a virus.  Whatever.   

With the shower bracket I got installed, showing dad how the dial worked to shut off the water and holding the shower curtain shut while he just took a quick shower managed to avoid flooding the bathroom so that is an improvement vs last time.   I should clock the time I spend on this crap and deduct that from any making dollar amounts even out of this house when I execute his will down the road.  Of course that assumes that the stupid overheated front range real estate stays hot and the property brings a good amount in spite of the house being so outdated.   

Dad is using his electric bed

 He seems to be doing somewhat better.   I think too late to restore any real health, but he is not eating tons of sweets lately that I can tell.   Perhaps having a real meal offered every day has changed his eating habits vs him looking in the fridge and cupboard for options when he got hungry.  Mind he HAD heathly options in the fridge or freezer, just had to heat them up but he wasn't much for leftovers and he used to eat whatever good meal I'd cook on weekends and then still eat a bunch of junk food last thing that night, so I had no motivation to cook more often.  

I keep punting on scheduling a home health aide to come out again.  I don't know what my mental block is.  I need to text B and see if she has a day she prefers to try to ride if the weather allows.  I've been holding back from contacting M and J.  I keep remembering him telling me about K running really late to meet them and then "wouldn't even hang out afterwards" and thinking that I while I enjoyed their company back in 2021 I wouldn't want to linger long after a ride now cuz I'd feel bad about costing dad $40/hr just to visit and drink beer.  Plus I'm fairly sure they decided Tanza and I are too wild or rude to ride with; I tried to be a good riding companion; but I don't even know what the problem area(s) for them are.  

Saturday update.   Ugh,  lots of urine last night.  Overflowed the capacity of the pad I had over the sheet and there was even a small wet spot on the carpet.  I might be risking fall hazard for dad to put pads on the floor, but I really don't want to have the carpet reeking of piss.  Just when I think, oh things are going better something like this happens.   God grant me the serenity, courage and wisdom to navigate this. 

The electric bed is now just waiting for bedding

 Sigh,  it would be nice if I had been organized, thinking clearly and bought bedding when I ordered the frame and mattress but in typical w4h style I forgot about bedding until last weekend.  The outfit I ordered from said some early arrival date but I'll be pleasantly surprised if it gets here today, probably Friday at the earliest and now it is holiday crazy shipping season.    I put on the half rails last night.  May need to get extra pillows or foam so they aren't uncomfortable for dad or even need to take them off, but I decided it would nice to have them to hang the remote on.   

I need to run a load of laundry and see if I get leaking in the drain pipes.   The only time I noticed water was after dad showered and sprayed a bunch of water outside of the shower stall.  Even if that was the sole cause I probably need to get someone in to figure that out but at least it will mean I don't have to lug laundry to a laundromat until a drain pipe is replaced.  I just don't want to deal with it.  I don't know if condo living could be for me, but B was wise to buy one and not have all the house and yard maintenance.  

p.s.  The mattress protector arrived today so the mattress could be used,  just need to bring up some throws and pillows.   I don't know how eager dad is to try it out, but maybe I'll try to coax him.  I hope the bed doesn't end up eating space and never being used but whatever.    And the laundry didn't leak water.  I will have to help dad run the shower head next time he decides to shower.  Maybe when the extra bracket come in that will prevent most of the water running everywhere problem.  

I got the electric bed sorted out today

 Yesterday neighbors P and D came over and hauled into living room and set it up but the motor to jack the bed legs wasn't going into the drive shaft that is connected to the foot legs and I couldn't find the right size allen wrench socket head.  There is supposed to have been a manual crank and a wrench in with the head and foot board pieces but I couldn't find them.   I don't know how I could have mislaid the manual crank, it must be fairly good sized.   But I found a set of the allen wrench pieces in the garage today and got things sorted out.    I also ordered bedding to fit which I had neglected to do before.   So that is to the good.

On the bad side I'm going to have to get a handy man to fix the sheet rock in the bathroom where I removed the lower towel rack; plus I think wall is extra thick and the 2x4s are on the porch side.   I guess I can mount grab bars only on the shower head side if dad needs some help to get up and down from the shower chair.  He has GOT to take a shower once in a while and I'd much prefer to get things sorted and tell him he's showering daily; no more sponge baths but I don't expect that will happen.   I don't know how to chivy him into doing shit for himself.  That is where it would be good to have him in a facility with staff that is used to pushing the patients to do stuff so they don't completely lose all muscle and end up completely bed bound.

And still not so much as a text from brother or sis.  I texted sis thursday and then didn't hear when she called me later.  But still, that was 3 days ago.   I did call her in the evening and we talked for an hour; so at least she didn't cut me off like she did  a few times when I tried to vent about work years ago.  I get that my work is eyes glaze over technical; but one didn't need to understand it to just utter sympathy.   Last week I actually entered bro's name into web search in case of a hit for a car crash story.  No matches there.  

I didn't expect elder care to be so lonely.

 I knew caring for an elderly relative would be stressful and limits getting out in person.  I didn't know my few contacts would shy away from even sending me a text.   I'm fairly pissed with brother and sister right now for being so silent.  Hugged bro before he took off for airport a week ago yesterday and he never even texted he made it home safely, even after I texted him a few days ago with a thanks for coming and hope you made it home safe and recovered from your bug.   I suppose he and his bride may think I didn't thank him enough for coming out.  

Sis was all buy ensure for dad, get him a hospital bed etc and I haven't heard from her in over a week either.   Perhaps her company finally quit being stupid about their 'fit for duty' test they have staff take with some outfit and she is busy plus doesn't need to vent anymore.  

And I made a comment on the sat morning gardening thread on the huge blog that was tangentially related that I had pulled some tumbleweeds to burn later and 'this is isn't really gardening or even pasture management, it's therapeutic stress relief,' and some commenter with a nic I didn't even recognize commented right after in all caps something about pulling weeds, it is great stress relief but now going for Advil and booze for pain relief.   I just posted a "heh, yup weed pulling is hard on the back" response but did wonder if some lurker or a regular hiding under a different nic was calling me a drama llama, whoring for attention while being too craven to type it directly.   I was only thinking "oh F you" at the time, but I'm still extra censoring myself if I think about commenting there now, especially w/o being spot on topic.  

And the neighbors are wonderful and she offered to send over meals; so I took her up on it and gave her $200 "for 4-5 meals for 2 per week, whatever works out"  after mentally flailing for over a week wondering what was a reasonable amount.  I figured with that vague # she can make it fewer meals or whatever meal was cheaper to make if I am off on how much groceries that would cover.   But I'm a bit annoyed with them because he always offers to take dad out for b-day, veterans day.  It is not needed, and he knows dad is housebound now but he offered again this year that he would get a DQ ice cream cake and takeout from a Greek place dad likes but she was sick last weekend so I asked if they needed a raincheck.  Yes, please.  

Fine and dandy but I am not at all sure they haven't forgotten it entirely now.  If they are planning that they can do it tomorrow or Sunday it would be nice for me to know that so I can plan on skipping cooking that night or not.   If they are over stretched and don't have time to run out for takeout I should make arrangements to bake a cake to serve with ice cream on top and cook dad some Birds Eye garlic shrimp and heat a pizza or something for folks who don't love shrimp or even do the takeout run myself and get them over anyway.   I guess I'll have to ask her via text.   I hate feeling like I'm imposing on good neighbors being a PITA but I think dad was looking forward to it.  Mostly for giving the kids presents he bought with Cabela's points from his CC, so if they don't have time or budget right now to do the takeout and DQ cake I can get something together if they can come over for a bit.

I'm just so tired

 I signed up for the home health care aide service but have been punting on picking the first day to have someone come.   Brother came to see dad which was nice but he got sick so instead of being bored and restless where I could ask him to shop or cook he slept all day Monday.  He wasn't asking me to fetch him stuff and play nursemaid but I felt I had to at least bring him ice water and then a mug of ice-water and a small mug of hot mint tea on Tuesday.    And everyone is always "How is your dad doing?"    Well other than being housebound due to his own stupidity in refusing to manage his blood sugar for over a decade he is just fine,  HE gets to sit on his now getting bony arse all day watching TV.   I'm the one who is getting run ragged.   

And the old goat thinks he is doing me such a favor when I sponge bath his private parts and apply fresh Desitin.  Ugghhh.   If I didn't fear the state badgering me if he got septic and died from the diaper rash I don't know that I would do it.  

On a better note, his piss doesn't smell so strong to me lately.   Maybe I'm just getting 'nose blind', but perhaps me handing him his pills twice a day is helping.  Or since I'm not giving him all of his supplements maybe one of them made the urine extra stinky.   Heaven help me.  I can deal with this in winter when I don't have a lot of burning desire to go trail ride, but I'll have to be able to get in an aide AND have some horse buddies that will do day rides if he is still at this level come spring. 

To top things off the electric bed company's delivery service gave me mis-matched for serial # boxes on the bed and two sets of half rail so I got to email them and will have to call them later.   

Tis but a scratch

Monty Python, Black Knight   for reference if you've never seen the skit or heard the expression enough to get the gist without ever seeing the skit. 

This is my family.  When we are sick, or have a broken foot bone or whatever we grit our teeth and bear it, and if enquired tend to say "oh it is just a little inconvenience, I'm fine."  

This is frustrating with my Dad and his failing health.   "Oh I'm fine, just having issues getting up, and feel tired all day"     And my brother came to see dad when I told him dad is failing and is now sick, but brother doesn't need me to bring him a NSAID to reduce fever or anything.   I made a big mug of ice water and a small mug of hot mint tea for brother this morning to try to at least keep him hydrated.  Hopefully his body is fighting off whatever bug.   

I will have to nag bro a bit and determine if I need to ask the neighbor to run to the airport and drive me home from the rental car place tomorrow.   One of the rare times when I wish I had embraces the smart phone and had lyft or uber apps and had used them and was comfortable using them.  I guess I could install on new phone and go that way, but I closed down my PayPal account after they sent out emails saying they would find account holders 2500 dollars if they were 'spreading disinformation.'    I aint going to have a banking app deciding they get to censor folks. 

ps.   I am really getting to hate the smell of @Desitin.  I think it is helping dad's skin some and I know it has always helped me if I get a bit of rawness in my crotch when I'm doing endurance and just doing the squat to pee plus the friction from riding all day.  I never noticed the smell just using a dab on myself, but trying to coat the whole area where dad's skin is red where the depends contacts I can't seem to get it completely washed off my hands and although the smell doesn't hit hard like the piss smell I don't like it with the long time lingering.   Would be handy to be next door to a CNA or whatever and be able to pay for just an hour or even partial hour to have them deal with it.  With the agency I signed up for it is a 4 hour minimum shift so I won't be doing that every day, but hopefully I can get into a rhythm and have a weekend day off most weeks.  

Gradually at first, then all of a sudden

 I'm living that truism of how things fail right now with dad's failing health.   It has gone from gradual stuff like sleeping a lot and having balance issues over years to 'has lost so much muscle tone his grip strength is tiny, he can't get himself up if he falls and can barely heave himself out of his chair on 'good' days and I have to hand him his pills to make sure he takes them at all, and show him a couple of choices for supper to get him to eat.  And I don't even know what all prescriptions he was taking.    I think he had some system of putting all his pills in bottles in a toiletries bag; including putting some of the prescriptions in generic bottles from the current prescription bottle.   

I'm so annoyed with him for not helping me help him by communicating things, filling the pill organizer I bought him and explaining what he takes and so on.  And he has a horrible diaper rash.  I don't know how he ignored that, as red as the skin is it has to be very uncomfortable.   I probably should have called 911 yesterday when he fell instead of just texting Paul to help get him up.    I think a big part of the not communicating with me is fear of being tucked out of sight in a nursing home and dying amongst strangers w/o even having his dog there.  But this recalcitrance to tell me what he needs, or go to his doc, and see if a medication adjustment would have helped so I can help him stay at home is making me so frustrated that I'm about ready to just call 911, then not even visit him in hospital and just tell them he can't come home until they get him mobile enough to get to bathroom and help him hire a home health aide. 

Tired, but want to get in a ride today

 First world problem.  I wouldn't be so tired but I'm on a 'burn these dang tumbleweeds' kick right now.  Pulled 2 huge boxes full yesterday plus trimmed some dead elm branches.  Burned today and pulled two more boxes of of the nasty things.  The time waster blog is slow today.  That should make it easier to get outside but I feel like I haven't gotten my daily entertainment.  Kind of like over eating meh food to make up for the lack of great taste;  I still fall into that trap sometimes.  I rode Tanza yesterday.  He was a good boy; I was kind of rude with him because he seemed to be lazing because of riding him just in pasture.  I'll have to try to be better next time, maybe work back to riding him down the local field roads again.

Ugh.

My tolerance for the workplaces' push on climate alarmism and DIE initiatives is shrinking as they expand their support for the commiecrats and these horrible commie agenda items.  Oh well,  they did give me continue WFH option as they are finally ending their paranoid covid restrictions.   Of course it seems like expanded laundry and cleaning duty with dad's crappy health is taking a huge amount of time and I have less free time than 3-4 years ago when I was commuting 5 days a week.   Someday I'll have more time to play with my horses; I just have to MAKE enough riding time to keep myself able to ride, and the horses reasonably healthy for riding until then.  

I haz the sadz

 Had thought I was doing pretty well on not giving in to stress and depression but have had mild insomnia the last couple nights and feeling weepy today.  I miss the neighbor kids coming over to ride.  Need to ask if they just have other interests right now or would like to come over on afternoons I don't have work meetings.  I don't want to mess with their home school schedule to have them come over in the mornings.  Learning is more important than r4f getting kid energy and happiness infusions.  I should be able to find my own energy and contentment.   

Feeling overwhelmed with dad's decline and all the undone yard work, fence repairs and pasture weed control.   I need to let go of stressing over that.   It is not like the pasture ever got any maintenance, even before mom's health failed.  I'd like to not have it be the weed patch of the subdivision; but its not like "oh it used to be all nice grass and now it is a weed patch, its always been weedy,  I just notice it more working from home the last 3 summers.  

Dad is still snoozing away.  Well he stayed up late watching a movie I think.   I don't really care about when he is awake or asleep but I don't trust him to replace the wet piss pads before plopping back down in his chair so I prefer to hear him stir and take care of that while he is getting his tea and pop tarts.  That sounds so bad; but he wants his kiddie breakfast and wouldn't want to eat eggs and bacon in the morning even if I offered to cook them.   

Nice ride with B yesterday

 She actually texted me with offer to ride which was so sweet of her.  I still feel like she offers to ride with me once in a while when her main buddies' weekend plans are not ideal for her and and her horse and that I am un-invited when she is going them.  But whatever,  it is not like I have time to go ride with them almost every weekend these days.  I tried to be decent company, but their horsemanship standards are very high and I probably annoyed them by requesting to give some $ for happy hours this spring and/or not going to the deal in someones pasture last year when my foot was broken.  I don't think B needed me to come with my trailer to have a place to sleep though and I felt like I never managed to bring anything very worthwhile to the happy hours and I didn't want to feel like I was sponging with them bringing the meat to cook, plus the grill and propane all the time, and I do feel like I never have time; so I didn't want to volunteer for "hey just tell me what to bring when it is my turn"    I have worked some on the bad habits I had with Tanza but still far from perfect.   

I need to get more organized

 Big order as I have a chaotic mind.   But I need to find some articles and take some steps toward being more organized with my time.   I am tired of feeling like "gee I got hardly anything done"  especially after spending a fair amount of time doing grunt work on my weekend.  

It is so hard right now with Dad in the almost chair bound state.    Last night I was tired and just put a pizza in the oven for supper instead of making a real meal and then I decided 'he needs to get vertical more often to ward off pneumonia' so I did not just bring it to him.    He is so shaky anymore I won't do that with a real meal that I don't want to end up on the floor, but pizza he could manage.

   I need to nag him to make a doc appt and do it for a time that is not bad for me to go along and ask doc about home health care options.   I am going to need to be able to take mini vacations and I'll need someone to be here when I'm gone I think, hopefully by hiring someone that will mainly do some housework catchup but can handle things if dad would fall or something; he doesn't need a nurse at this point.  I probably need to find a system to make sure dad is taking all his prescriptions too.   I am always a step or two behind in mentally adjusting as dad declines and I need to do things that he used to take care of.  That wasn't so bad when it was handling the floor cleaning and mowing that he no longer did; but bill paying and keeping to the prescription schedule can't just slide while I slowly make a mental adjustment.  

Black Hills adventure

 I signed up to ride the 50 Fri. and Sun.  Figured if it was feeling like too much I would drop to the 25 on Sunday since same entry fee.    I had kind of blanked out that K never did get to marking trails super well, her BiL was her trail master after the first 2-3 years and R was superb.    First loop was not too bad,  I and 2 folks riding with me at that time got tripped up by a loop that had legs in an L.  We went ok 12 to 11 we are good but we were supposed to take a left and go on the other leg of 11.    That is at least partly on the BLM,  I see no reason they could not have renamed the straight leg that just continued in direction of 12 to be 12.  

But that intersection was not made super obvious as a turn and the markings were so sparse between turns that we didn't know we were not correct until we got to an intersection that didn't match the map or directions at all.  I was hurrying back to where we should have turned and Tanza caught a hoof in a rut and fell HARD.  I flew off and because of his speed was thinking "roll out of the way in case he flips over"  Which ended up with me not hitting hard at all.   Tanza was okay and we rode on and the vet didn't see any issue at the check.

Second leg was marked by M and she uses lots of ribbons and pin flags and makes it obvious that you are still on the correct trail.  Tanza was showing soreness on the shoulder he fell on at VC 2 but vet said we were OK to go on.   The third leg I had some DIMR I suppose and I kept wanting to get lost.  Between volunteer "flag back there, no flags here" and my mis-reading of the map which was not obvious for how long the 89 section was we turned around.  Then those companions found a trail that would take us where we needed to be w/o just doubling back.   That was probably not any faster than if we had doubled back but we got to see a cool section of trail.   A couple more times I would have messed up but they were trusting themselves.  At one point I went to the road which directions said to do where they stayed on the correct trail   Was no biggie the road had a 2nd leg to the correct trail.   At another point I thought we were retracing the way we went out on the 1st loop but we were not.  I semi-trusted their judgement and followed them while finding that spot on the directions and confirming they were correct.    Tanza was still sore, but not more lame than 2nd check and we got the completion  I was feeling not so great metabolically although Tanza was great but I was able to do his trot out myself.  He has 2050 miles now.  

I wan't trying to sandbag to get tail-ender but did end up with it.   Sis came down the 2nd day on my rest day and we went for a short pleasure ride together.  It was going to be even hotter on Sunday so even if Tanza had not had the fall I would have hesitated to do so much as an LD after how wilted and puny I felt by the end of the ride on Friday so sis and I did another pleasure ride.  I thought one trail would just go back to the TH a different way and took us to edge of Sturgis and we had to take a bike path (nice gravel next to the concrete bikeway) back to Fort Meade.  But sis's knee held up, it was not a big deal.

Then had unplanned adventure on the drive home.   I had a p/u tire blow out.   A gal, older than me asked if I wanted her to stay.  I was getting all the pieces to get the tire off and said "no I'm good"    When the spare came down and I pulled the lever piece and anti-theft 'key' out the key went flying.  I couldn't see it anywhere and convinced myself it was still in the plastic tube.  I now believe it was not but I no longer have the key.   I have found a youtube and should be able to pop off the plastic tube and the 'lock' so that the tire can just be let down with the lever piece.   I will try that in a bit.   Stupid key can cost as much as $100 and cheapest I saw was $50 on Ebay.  I don't want to mess with that and possibly end up with wrong key,  they have 16 patterns according to one of the 2 YouTube videos I watched.  

A group of hunters stopped and helped me get the tire changed.   Was very nice having the one guy lift the tire onto the bolts.   With my limited arm strength I always have to use my legs and struggle to get the alignment correctly.     When my tire blew out it took out my trailer wiring so I didn't have signal lights or trailer brakes.  I drove slow (slow for WY anyway) to Lusk.  Stopped on the truck stop and they were only .02 cents more than I had seen at the next town so filled tank.  Backed trailer to edge of the truck parking area and unloaded Tanza.  I asked the young cashier if anyplace there or next town would be open and she had no idea.   I decided I needed to be thorough and went across to the cafe.  Asked a guy who looked like he was on lunch break from working if he was local, he was and if anyplace was open.  No but he worked for 24 hr towing and some roadside repairs and went to their shop to see if they had any tires the right size in their 'tire trailer.'   They did so I paid them $100 for the tire and $25 to mount plus insisted the guy who had gone and checked and driven back to let me know a $20 tip. 

Felt better having a spare tire in case the other p/u tire decided to go and drove a bit faster the rest of the way home.   I didn't turn the GPS on in time to not get tripped up by 85 in Greeley where there is one spot where I think one has to take 'business 85' and ended up on 34 heading east.  That is just a few miles to 'Weld county parkway' that is a really nice road, and then hits 76, which I needed to take a couple miles But dumb Colorado has removed the old junction to get to the frontage road.  I could have gone thru a few blocks of residential,  they had signs for no semis, but my trailer is not a full on semi but still I hesitated to go that way and ended up back on 76.  GPS is out of date for that change.   I ended up going through Lochbouie in the dusk w/ no trailer lights.  Didn't get a ticket so its ok.  

What a difference a day (or 2) makes

 I was telling everybody at HJ that I was going to GC so I would have to miss the FM ride.  Then I checked email after getting home and GC accepted my entry, but they want their attendees to be in full germophobe mode.  I just can't do it.   I can see how the ride would still be fun for a group of friends camping together and only having to mask up and keep a 10 foot distance at the vet checks.  But it is no go for traveling solo to a ride with intention to visit with whomever has a bit of free time like I normally do.   So I emailed GC manager I have a cold and need to cancel, w/o the mention that cold is from Sunday and I'm already over it and I signed up for the FM ride.   

With my pickup needing repairs twice this summer and the extra work to line up the neighbors to cover chores cuz dad is practically housebound anymore I am pretty sanguine about not taking the 8 day trip to AZ; but I am a bit bummed because I thought I'd also try to go to a 3 day ride that manager is putting on in late October that is only 1 day drive to get to and wouldn't be such a long trip.  Maybe I still will go to that one; if they have it; and if some of the folks I mingle a bit with at rides will be going and I can join their circle.  But what a PITA, having to make special 'lets camp together' plans to be able to expect to get any visiting in when going to a ride.    Fauci should get some of the 'medical research' he has approved for beagles and monkeys done to him.  What an evil gnome.   

Just rechecked the germaphobe schedule.  They dropped 1 ride and the ride I thought was end of Oct is Oct 7-9.   I'll go to the Moab ride put on by a new person that is at the end of Sept instead if Tanza is sound and I can get there.   I'm still processing my angst over the long time manager whose rides were so fun because they were so relaxed and they always hauled bags to away checks and provided lunch etc becoming scared of the virus.   Maybe next year I can plan ahead and join a good sized group going to one or two of those rides so I won't just be hunkering alone in my trailer when not on the trail.  

Oh and dad didn't pay the electric bill last month and it is due on Monday.   I grabbed it so I can sign up for auto pay from my checking account on Monday.   Sighhhh.  I knew this (having to make sure bills got paid and other critical paperwork like renewing insurance etc) was coming soon but I barely keep up with my own critical paperwork like vehicle registrations and insurance.   But the stuff that I can set up to be autopay will be ok.  At least we only have the electric company and not electric, nat gas and water.   I don't know how I'll keep sane if dad deteriorates more and needs an aide and so on but clings to barely alive status for years.  Awful of me I suppose but there it is.  Well if we could hire an aide it wouldn't be bad, but if I end up having to be unpaid home care giver it will be a huge stress on me.   

I must spray some more goats heads.

 I am feeling tired this morning but I want to maintain progress on reducing those nasty things.  I did two rounds of spraying yesterday in the heat and then it cooled off about 5 pm with a nice cold breeze and I felt too tired to hop on Sadie for a quick ride.   I did cook a ranch tater and burger skillet mash up since it didn't feel too hot to have the burner going for half an hour.   I added too much bacon fat as initially the hamburger didn't seem to have its normal amount of fat.  Oh well, it tasted good in spite of being greasy.   I put the leftovers in with leftover peas and carrots which will hopefully soak up some of the fat when reheating.   I also did a load of laundry and made up quite a few capsules so I managed to not be too lazy after playing hard on Saturday.    Its just that there is such a backlog of stuff that should be done around the place that I always feel like I am just barely keeping above the lazy white trash threshold. 

p.s.  A check of the forecast showed afternoon rain for Mon and Tuesday so I did not do any spraying.  I didn't catch up on housework either, but oh well.   

Run Free Bee

 My boarder horse Bee had a displaced colon Monday.   At 27 years old he was not a candidate for surgery so his owner and I didn't have to decide whether to take that very expensive gamble.  My wonderful veterinarian gave him more banimine from my initial dose plus a sedative so he was comfortable for a few hours and owner could come out to say good-bye and I could let the neighbor know as well.

 I'd been inviting the neighbor kids to ride him and Lady this summer.   So on the plus side Bee got lots of extra attention this summer.  On the negative side, the poor kids are only 6 and 9.  If I had known they'd end up with the grief I probably would have had them keep swapping riding Lady or experimented early to see how CJ would do for them instead of using Bee, knowing his owner used to put kids on him fairly frequently when her life was less busy and her kids were younger and involved in scouts and such.     Oh well go with Garth Brooks lyric.   "its better off unknown"   

We had just a couple tenths of rain last weekend.   It was enough to sprout a bunch of goats heads burrs.  Oh well, at least I'm WFH, and have spray to get after them.   I coaxed B into riding with me this weekend.  Texted her last friday and she had other plans but did offer to ride with me this Saturday.   She is a sweet person.  I'm still tending to feel like "Waah, you, or you and K are the only ones willing to ride with me this year? so I couldn't tag along with whoever you rode with last weekend?"  Which is dumb, she may have skipped riding that weekend.    Between 'I have to find and get hay', pickup break downs, the extra hot weather this summer and Tanza's and my less than perfect trail manners, I haven't done much riding this summer.  Oh well, maybe fall will be better.   I'm still planning to go to GC.  If I have to drop down to shorter rides or can only ride a couple days at least I'll have enjoyed some of the trails.  I've been wanting to do that ride forever and circumstances never seemed right,  need to go cuz the ride may go away.  

Must put aside rejection feelings and get back to my corral cleanup project

 I don't want Tanza eating the slightly musty hay I bought for the minis and decided is too rich to feed much to them.  So I have him in with Razz so I felt the need to tackle taking down the section of falling down fence that used to separate that space into two pens.  I need to get back out and finish the project, but at least I've made some decent progress on it.   

I just don't grok friendship enough.   I think I don't make the effort to maintain communications is part of what I get wrong but I just don't know.  'twas easier when I just only rode at home or hauling out by myself and saw slight buddies at rides.  But I can't get enough conditioning on Tanza at home, he is too reactive and the ground is too hard.  So I need to either do way more networking to find riding company or decide to make doing trailering out day rides happen more often regardless of not having someone to ride with. 

Still debating on buying more hay

 I'm tired of thinking about it.   But I'm also nervous about hay availability and prices next year.   I wish I didn't stress so much on decisions.   I'm still hesitating on even trying to find someone to come in to do housework.   "but what about dad's pistols that he leaves out for his own easy access?"  "how can I get anyone to deal with the grossness factor?"    I need to let go of #2 for sure.  People that come in and clean rentals after evictions and so on have seen far worse.   I might get some judgement of my poor cleanliness for letting things go for so long but anyone with a decent character that I'd want to keep coming would go "but at least they realized they needed help and are willing to spend the money to get things decent" and the ones that would judge shouldn't matter to me.  

Meanwhile I haven't ridden other than at home since LaVeta.   I need to ask B if riding is going to happen this Sunday and could I join in.   If yes than I can ask/tell P that I need to borrow dad's pickup on Sunday if mine is still not running.  P has a lot on his plate and may not be able to fix mine by then even if the part is in right away.   I am sure blessed to have a good mechanic who is a great neighbor right next door.  Having to tow the pickup somewhere to find out what was wrong and get it fixed would have sucked. 

Trying to decide how much hay to buy.

I have plenty to get to next hay season.   But there is plenty of hay storage space available and I am nervous about hay availability and price next year even if there is no drought because global leaders are imposing crazy fertilizer restrictions and the big irrigation lake/reservoirs in AZ and NV are low and the feds are paying farmers there to not plant for next year.  Even if we get a good local growing season the extra demand due to places in AZ that normally get 4 cuttings is likely to keep prices high IMO.  Of course if things really go south hungry folks are likely to be roaming around trying to steal horses for meat.   

I almost forgot to renew my insurance.

 I really need to call dad's agent and see about just getting a family policy since companies do not keep him off my policies.   I'm sure my laziness about taking that step is costing me quite a bit yearly.  But I don't have to do it right away.  

Dad suggested we go out to eat.  I wasn't real fast getting ready and wanted to go to Dickies barBQ.  They close their dining area at 8 pm, we arrived at 7:55.   They got our order for us they are open for online order takeout until 8:30 so didn't lock the door and had a picnic table right outside so we ate outside and I was able to walk back in to get plasticware I hadn't thought to grab and so on.   And it was cool enough to feel good eating outside; the only problem was it started to sprinkle before we had finished and turned into a real rain before dad got in the car.  I don't know why he was reluctant to eat his last rib in the car; its not like I keep it spotless.  It would have been nice to linger at an inside table over coffee and talk to dad but we got some good grub and I didn't have to cook at home when the house was hot and the rain has cooled it off nicely so the house should get cooled down decently overnight.  

Great, sis and partner will probably expect I should entertain them next week

 I took this week off of work + last friday.    It would have been hard to work more than half a day Thursday and it was nice to get clothes washed, and some weeds sprayed on Friday.   But I don't even know when they plan to get here.   I hope they don't intend to stay through next weekend.  I might have to blow them off and go ride if they do.   I don't know if they are even going to drive here tomorrow,  have not heard anything since I texted sis on Wed night and she replied she didn't know their plans.   She had said a few weeks ago that she had scheduled to be off work until July something, but I still was not thinking they would spend more than a week total away from home, I know I never feel like I can be gone too long in the summer with mowing, weed spraying, trying to keep desired plants alive.   Oh well they are adults and can entertain themselves or better yet do some of the grunge work dealing with dad for me.  Yeah right, like that would happen.   

At least with expecting sis, dad finally cleared his old mail off of the table.   I'm not totally happy about this.  I'm glad that he finally got rid of his huge pile but I am struggling with annoyance that he will only clear clutter or clean when the lucky sibs that don't have to live here are coming to visit.  And I don't have to live here except for my own conscience, plus my poor abilities to deal with things would make it a struggle to find a place to rent and line up someone to farm sit so I could go off to rides.  I love having next door neighbors who will do chores when I'm gone.  

Tanza did 125 miles in 5 days

 We rode 50s on Sat and Monday and 25 on Wed rather than going every day.    The RM found a way to add more gently rolling good footing sections to some trails to make the ride align with minimum org distances without being overly hard.   I think she did a good job with that and will tell her so after she has a chance to recover from the event.  The biggest event is a 75 and 100 tomorrow but I went home after the 5 days of 25s and 50s.   

Tanza was full on reversion to not standing to let me mount on Monday but was decent on Wed. but I definitely need to work on "stand and let me mount" when he is more amped up by riding with other horses.  Standing nicely at home did not carry over when he got all excited or nervous that he would be left behind.  

J and the awesome Calypso did the pioneer, riding 50,50 and 55 on Sat, Sun. and Mon. and riding at a pretty good clip each day too.   They won the pioneer (fastest time) and I think got BC as well, but the vet was waiting for slow horses to complete to do the final BC paperwork so they didn't announce it at the ride meeting Monday evening.  

After our LD on Wed. I put Tanza in the community pen and was just looking at him thinking "he is such a beautiful horse it hurts"    Sometimes I put extra stress on myself thinking "such a great horse, its a pity he is hampered by being owned and ridden by me instead of someone who does this sport better."  But horses don't read the yearbooks or standing updates and I have sure enjoyed the adventures I could do having an athletic horse. 

Letting go of hay stress for a few weeks.

I've been twisted up, trying to figure out how best to get some extra hay for over a week.  Last night talked to P for a bit and looked at his yard.   He has been asked to do a bunch of mechanical work and putting his new flatbed on his pickup is behind all the customer requests.  I could pull a trailer with my pickup but P decided to fix our trailer up and the flooring is still out of it.  He has spare trailers, but one has his flatbed sitting on it, and others had various stuff on them. 

So,  I need to just chill.  I can haul a few small bales, or one big square with my pickup, like to get some alfalfa or a test bale, but there is no sense trying to contact hay growers right now when I am not in a position to say "I will come tonight or tomorrow and get 2-4 tons of hay"   

There will be hay for sale next month and our pasture is holding up pretty well and I don't need to  buy hay before it gets even more expensive; we have margin in the budget to pay even another 50% if we have to.  I could network with the neighbor whose pasture adjoins ours and see about doing a graze lease on it if I need to.  I will keep watching CL for ads for hay with delivery options but I don't need to be in a rush.  

Ice ice baby

 I fell off Tanza on Sunday when he spooked at a duck flying out of the irrigation ditch.  Hindsight I should have spent the extra effort to haul out somewhere.   Oh well.  Landed on my right side and my arm is still whinging.   Luckily my monthly chiro appt was on Monday so he was able to fix the joints that were knocked out of place and he explained how icing works to clear the lactic acid from muscles that are still contracting thinking they have to protect the joint.    The arm is much better than on Monday but I think I am starting to get some bruising effect or something as it is still sore, especially if I move it wrong.  I may make a follow-up appointment.  I might need some additional muscle work to release spasms.  

The basement stinks so bad.  I will have to wash dad's bedding today and see if there is some other odor source that needs to be tracked down.  I punted on that washing the last few days, not wanting to wrestle the sheets back on the bed with my wonky arm; plus generally just sick and tired of it but I need to cowboy up, there aint anyone else to do it.   

I also need to call and line up to get hay.  I think I'll buy big squares since our regular grower won't have any stacks.   If I have to haul and stack the hay myself I don't want to mess with small squares that need to be hand stacked.  I've had a mental block on doing this, wishing dad would step up.  LOL, I knew that wasn't going to happen and thinking he should make a cold call is stupid with his crappy hearing.  

*I did wash all of dads bedding including the extra topper that is under the protective mattress cover that should be waterproof because it also smelled.   And swept and swiffer mopped under the bed.   I *think* that has solved the eww, what's that smell for now.    I suppose I should see if its possible to hire someone to come in weekly or bi-weekly to do that.   I suspect not many people willing to do yucky work these days and I'm a bit embarrassed to have anyone see the pigsty house. 

Sigh, another week with no riding invitations.

 I feel like the group is shunning me but not sure.  Could very well be that they just figure that I could update my phone to get group texts.  So why have I not updated my phone?   Well I did update cuz I needed to install an app for work but I couldn't get the new phone activated.  It works for the duo app to login to work with the wireless but no phone ability.   So phones are not super expensive and I figured I could just get another one but its been over a year and I have not done it.   

After the mess with not being able to switch my phone service to the new phone I wasn't eager to mess with it but there is also a bit of paranoia that the group really doesn't want me and Tanza along when they ride and if I fix the phone capability and still never get any texts it will be confirmed.   I did ride Tanza solo from Sharp tail last Saturday and it was a good ride, but I've had very little energy since then.  I could not muster energy to ride Sadie on Sun or Mon.  Tuesday we got a good rain here.  I still haven't found energy to ride and am on the fence on texting B to see if they are riding tomorrow and I could join or if she'd like to ride just the 2 of us but not sure if I have the energy to get up early and haul out.  

Sooo happy I rode last night

 I got kind of a late start but did get in a nice 6 mile ride on Tanza.  It may get nice enough to ride today also but its been windy this morning.  Tanza was a good boy and I feel like our riding mojo is enough back that I am ready to ride solo from Sharptail next weekend if my riding buddy has other plans.  I will put aside my pride and ask if she would like to ride together as it is more fun to have riding company but I need to be able to enjoy a conditioning ride with just me and Tanza or I won't be able to get him endurance fit since I don't have a big pool of riding buddies.  

This week has been better for me

 Partly because B took pity or whatever on me and rode with me on Sunday.   I would have liked to ride 17 miles at Spruce, she wanted to ride only the meadows.  I suggested she graze Taj so I could ride up the service road for hill work so we did that compromise.   She would have been OK with me doing the top loop as well I think but I wasn't wanting to try to ride it at training pace alone with all the hikers.  

I have also been taking St. Johns Wort.  They say up to 3 pills/day and I've been taking one.  The label has a photosensitivity warning so I suppose I should see if I notice an issue if I stop it but I can also just take care to always use sunscreen.  

I've been riding Sadie this month.   I rode her down the road Wed morning, first time riding her out of paddock in ages.   I rode Tanza in paddock on Thursday morning.  I probably would have been OK to take him down the road but there were some pretty good wind gusts, though not steady winds and I was nervous.  And other than I probably don't ride for nearly as long when riding in paddock it works pretty well with Tanza.  He is pretty energetic even riding in the paddock.  

Trying some herbs to help with my mood issues

 Went looking online and  ashwagandha which I already take was one for stress relief but that article said you need quite a bit so I started taking 2 capsules morning and night instead of the 1 I had been taking.   I think it is helping me feel less on the verge of a meltdown.  I also ordered some vervain, haven't got it yet and some St Johns wort.  The wort is supposed to be good for depression.  Vervain for anxiety.   I might be getting menopausal moodiness and some kind of progesterone supplement would help but I don't want to boost breast cancer risk if I can get through this w/o messing with that.  

Texted B about her ride and asked if she was resting Taj this weekend and we will probably ride somewhere tomorrow.   I think M and J are going to do a lot of horse camping this summer.  With fuel so high it certainly makes way more sense to pay the camping fees than drive to trailheads and back home for 2 day rides in a weekend.   But I don't think I can do that with dads sketchy health and so many critters.   I rarely trailered out to ride with Grey Moon or Shade, but Tanza is so much more fun to ride with company.  He is overly reactive riding field roads at home and I don't have the confidence to just laugh it off.   But I have been riding him more at home the last few weeks and also have started riding Sadie.  Sadie is the backup if I can't ride Tanza at rides since Razz has some lameness.   I could do fun rides on Sadie and select loops not being used that day.  But I'm hoping Tanza will be good to go for LaVeta and grand Canyon.   

Day ride will only be from home today.

I could have texted neighbor this morning but did not when I saw he had dad's p/u hooked up to a trailer last night when I walked over but he was not outside.   I suppose in my subconscious I didn't really want to spend the extra time and effort to haul to a trailhead just to ride by myself.  I have done it with Tanza and he has been fine but after the freak incident injuries last year I've regressed in my trust level.  Plus I've been dragging, maybe I need to make it a point to eat more protein and see if my energy level improves.  

So horses got turned out to eat the grass.   It loses all appeal for them when it gets mature since its mostly rye and downy brome.   I will catch Tanza and ride later.  In the meantime I need to do some fence repair and deconstruction and don't really want to hoe flower bed but do want to remove more of the grass and get it ready for some flower seed I bought last week.  

Brrrr, it is chilly today

But at least we did get about .3 inches of rain overnight.   1.3 or more would have been much better after over a month of bone dry winds but every bit helps.    I need to decide whether to plan on just riding solo on saturday or try to connect with someone else not going to Walsenburg and just fall back to solo if no one is interested.   I am finally feeling at peace with the plan of just doing a day ride on Saturday even if neighbor would be able to find the issue and fix Big Blue Beast by midweek which is highly unlikely.  

After all I do still have a wee bit of chip on my shoulder to this Walsenburg RM after she accused T and me of cheating for points about 5 years ago when I had to pull on day one and then missed a turn on day two and T didn't make herself a good enough note and ending up listing me as completion only on the pull day and placing on the day I was off course and only eligible for completion.   Well I suppose accuse isn't quite the correct term.   RANTED at me for most of a loop riding together the next year before I got it thru her thick skull that I didn't check the ride results until the end of Nov and had corrected it then.  "Oh I would never complain to RM or the org", OH NO ---  just rant at me for over an hour on how it wasn't proper.    Plus she was propagandizing for the clot shot last year.  

 Boy that made me hot.   She hadn't caught that I had a completion showing on the day I had told her I had pulled while riding together earlier in the day but was just making an assumption that the RM was doing me a favor with placing points on the day that was supposed to be completion only.   I couldn't figure out why she thought the RM would do me any special favor.  I wasn't part of the hundred mile riders who are a tight knit group,  RM didn't breed Tanza ...   I don't think the RM would even do that kind of favor for one of her close friends, probably  not, even if she didn't reject the idea immediately out of personal honor,  would still decline because of the potential blowback from some points chaser; but to think she would do such a thing for me who isn't even in the RMs inner circle was sooo insulting. 

Paranoia strikes deep

I am having a really hard time warding it off lately.   I've always had stray paranoid thoughts but usually can remind myself that everybody gets them at times and "no, most people probably don't even have you on their radar, they are not going around trying to avoid you or thinking you are a poor friend or neighbor or whatever"    

I had an awesome time visiting with online friends in person on Saturday and then a very fun ride with E and her super cute morgan gelding on Sunday.  B texted me asking if I was going to Busch ride this weekend.  She is going with J,  his SiL is not going.   Now I kind of really want to go for the saturday ride but I'm also like "WTH B?"   If I make it I'll see you at the ride of course.  You told me this spring you were saving all your money for repairs to your truck and might go to LaVeta for one day and then go ride sand dunes.  I suppose she thought it would be more polite to text me rather than have me just see her there if I went and find out on the spot that getting an offer of a ride with J "he's crazy but so much fun" plus he has a cushy cushy LQ trailer rather than my 'weekender' bare bones set up was enticing enough to go versus the thought of traveling with me and maybe riding with Tanza.   

But I am feeling hurt and jealous.  Jealous because most guys and some gals are always johnny on the spot wanting to help B out.  Her budget is not so tight as it was while she was doing pre-med classes but she does still just have the little 2 horse straight load and older p/u.   But she is organized and outgoing and cute as a button.  Younger guys want to potentially date her, older or married guys want to help her out in a god fatherly way.  Hurt because she doesn't seem to even want to do day rides with me very much anymore.   That is kind of a bogus feeling since we have ridden together 3 times this spring, but I can't help feeling like if she gets invited to join someone else she is avoiding letting me even know the invitation.  

I strongly suspect that if M&J invite her they don't want me and Tanza at least for right now, while J is getting confidence back that she can ride w/o pain now that she has two bionic hips.  But I'm crushed at the thought that other people would want to avoid riding with us.  Tanza never kicks and doesn't do any outrageous spooking on the trail although he does do some spooking, I don't insist he must be in front or behind or that the pace must be faster or slower.  I just don't know what, if anything, is wrong that people wouldn't want to ride with us. 

Vaccinated co-workers are part of the summer covid wave.

 It seems early for the 'summer' wave.  But my main takeaway is the good little peons who listened to sundown Joe and got vaccinated last fall to be 'fully vaccinated' by the initial Dec deadline are catching covid.  I should be nice.  ONE co-worker and family got covid.  The second one just announced daughter has covid.  She might not catch it and daughter is in HS, so I have no idea whether daughter got vaccinated or not.  

I could be wrong but my gut feeling from what I've seen is that the vaccination is barely effective and only for a few months.  I am not prone to vaccine reactions but even so, this vaccine does cause reactions, sometimes severe for some people.  I'm not exposed to large numbers of people in my work so my risk of catching any virus is pretty low so why would I get vaccinated unless the vaccine had an incredibly low number of reactions and they were all mild?

That would be the calculus if it was only risk/benefit analysis on should I get the covid vaccine.  Since there is also the issue of not going along with letting uncle Sam make medical decisions for me it becomes  NO, NOPE, Not happening, on getting this particular vaccine.    

I am struggling with anxiety and mild depression.  Since Bee had a colic episode two days after I got back from Moab I'm a bit worried about being gone.  I could just enjoy riding with friends, only it feels like they don't want to ride with me.  That is the anxiety issue.  "Do I seem so reckless with Tanza that they are nervous riding with us?"  "Am I not contributing sufficiently for Happy Hour?"   I don't know how to fix the Happy Hour thing.  I'd gladly just give the organized couple some cash to defray their expenses or I could buy burgers or brats or whatever if they did a rotation of "your turn to provide meat to grill" but just bringing stuff ad hoc it is usually extraneous.  Last year I took to bringing extra beer but my beers in cans are not hoity enough, they like bottles; and now B is into hard seltzer and M announced his doc is wanting him to avoid wheat.  

Feeling lonely and bored

I suppose I should go fetch my phone and see if anyone has texted me.  The weather does not look nice for riding.  It might be okay on Sunday, just a bit chilly.   That would be fine for riding.  Supposed to be nasty windy on Saturday, like today but chilly vs quite warm.   I'm sick of wind already this year, and have lots of company in that feeling.   I'm also on day 4 of feeling bloated about this time of day.   It is not bad today, Tuesday I thought I might actually puke and my back was hurting too.   

Oh I do have a message from the gal in Elizabeth that is wanting to dip her toes in the distance riding scene.  Must think how to respond.   

I must get beyond feeling rejected by the old riding buddies and work on networking with more people.  I have quite enjoyed when I rode with that group and hopefully we can work out something this summer.  Maybe ride with the new gal or new gal and B from same trailhead and join in the after ride visiting and eating until they get to a point of being ready to deal with riding with the energizer bunny and absent minded rider.  But I also should strive to just enjoy Tanza without needing buddies.  

I think the weather guessers were wrong.  There is a breeze today but not the strong winds I thought were predicted.   Maybe I'll get on Razz and or Sadie.   I'm still tired from trip and Bee scaring me with a colic on Wednesday but I don't want to waste the day.

I had fun on my trip.

 Not success, I was going to enter two LDs.  But Tanza was off on his right hind at the vet check on day 1.   He was wanting to stand or step on the toe so I think it was soreness in that foot but didn't try to find a hoof tester.  I don't really know how to use it anyway.    So I pulled and did not ride the LD on day 2.  

He was much better Sunday morning so I did take him on a 12 mile walking ride and enjoyed the scenery. Was back in camp as the LDs were finishing, they didn't need any P/R help so just watched but someone told the RM that the 30 miles had 7 hrs to complete versus the actual 7 hrs 15 minutes so I was able to correct her so she didn't mark the tail enders as over time.  The very last two were leading their horses in and in danger of running out of time so we told their crew and I walked out with the crew person to them and exhorted them to hurry hurry,  got them over the line at 7 hrs 14 minutes by my phone time.

Enjoyed visiting with various people.   Drove home on Monday and the big blue beast overheated going up Vail pass.  Drat it, I forgot to check the coolant level and it has been needing top offs.   But once it cooled off and I could put coolant and water in the pickup made it home fine.  

Paul and Sarah helped dad with chores and invited him to dinner on Saturday night.   I had to wash his jeans this morning and washed the recliner afghan and spent most of the evening upstairs because he pissed in his jeans and it smelled sooo putrid.   I think he had a blowout earlier in the day and was going commando rather than using a 2nd pair of depends.  I don't know WTF his problem is with thinking he has to minimize the amount he uses each month.  They aren't super cheap but he doesn't have the mortgage anymore so I know he can easily afford to buy 2 or 3 times as many.   

Getting excited rather than nervous about going to Moab, but thinking I will just leave in the wee hours tomorrow

I don't like having to get up and going super early to get to a ride but I didn't get a layover lined up and I'm too nervous of trying to find the basecamp in the dark and no way I can get going for another couple of hours.   So Tanza will have to overnight in a small pen here at home so I can catch him in the early morning.   Maybe I'll stick Lady in with him and take the extra 10 minutes to move her in the morning.  That should work OK.   Since he thwarts me so often for early morning starts for day riding I think I'll start penning him every time and won't bother with a company horse for day trips; but I want him munching happily and relaxing overnight with the long haul and first time going 25+ miles this year.  

So now I at least sort of have free time today, but I need to get organized that everything is in the trailer, have it turned around so not doing that in morning dark and barely woke up, take a shower and really get my hair washed well and try to get to bed early so I get some sleep before waking up at 4 am.  So I need to not just quit on my packing and so on.   Dad said he is ok to feed the horses while I'm gone,  Paul and Sarah are right next door so if he needs help all he has to do is ask them.   

Yesterday he was trying to steam cookies to soften them by having 4-5 cookies on a plastic plate over a bowl of water in the microwave. That just burned the cookies and melted the plate cuz the bottom cookie got so hot.  A bit scary because he was sitting right there and not reacting to the strong burnt sugar smell.  But if I start down the road of "I can't go anywhere cuz dad might fall or whatever" already; I am going to miss a lot of riding and end up resenting him and the sibs way too much.   He still drives himself to get his prescriptions and groceries and pays the bills each month and so on so it really isn't like he needs a minder yet.  And if he did then he could just as easily fall and not be able to get up/get to a phone when I was just gone for the day so it is not rational for me to be overly concerned about being gone for a few nights.  

And I sat at the computer "I need to get forecast find out if it is safe to put water in trailer"  and started working again on my PTO day.  THIS is why I need to take some riding trips.  I've become unable to disengage from work when I am home.   I don't work a full day but I'll poke at things on weekends when I have a spare hour and so on.   I need to stop doing that. 

Great, even the pet thread makes me feel unworthy today.

There aint no good guy, there aint no bad guy, there's just you and me and we just disagree.  And I don't think every animal has to be euthanized.  Ole seemed fine even on the day he died.  But not euthanizing Mia when we did would have been cruel.  I probably should have been better tuned in to her deteriorating condition and helped her over the bridge sooner than that day.  I have a hard time with people who talk or write like they are oh so heroic when keeping an animal alive a few extra days or weeks.  Maybe that was best for that one pet but its not best for every pet and I've seen animals with pain in their eyes and felt so badly that I couldn't spare them however many more days of that.  

I hope I'm just being a bit paranoid.  I feel like the folks I enjoy riding with are every week hoping I have other plans.   Well B has been willing to ride with me and I think M is up for most anything riding wise.  It would be J who seems to think the presence of me and Tanza would end up making her hurt.  I suppose that has been the case a few times.  Not by any insistence on my part of needing a minimum pace or distance, but by her and M thinking they should do that because I'm doing some formal events so rides were a bit longer or faster then worked for her sore hips the last couple of years.  Plus the SD trip.  I still don't recall Tanza doing anything really bad but hardly anyone ended up having a very fun trip and someone must of told B that he was scary for her to lecture me like she did on the way home.  

Well I signed up for the Moab spring ride.

I'm kind of "gulp am I ready for this?"  But I want to support a new ride and to get back into riding and not just be a slave to this grody house and too big yard outside of my work and I definitely need to take more breaks from work and get out of workaholic rut.   Part of that workaholic rut is diving into work to distract from feeling oppressed by the house and yard, but then I don't shut it off when I have non gross list of things I intended to do. 

They canceled the ride I was going to attend this weekend.

I'm fairly zen about it.  I'm a bit bummed not to have the getaway.  But catching up on rest and some of the house and yard tasks is a good thing.  Plus I reached out to my local riding buddies that do very few official events.  Sunday B and I will repeat the ride we did 2 weeks ago while M and J do a shorter loop as J is still recovering riding shape after hip replacement and then we will have happy hour at the trailhead.   I think our trails will be in great shape and it is supposed to be a nice warm day so it should be fun.   

I have started throwing away Dad's depends that he wrongly thinks could go a second day myself in the middle of the night and then running the ozone generator and instead of fuming about it and just running the OG to not enough effect.  If he says anything I will tell him he is wrong about thinking he can get 2 days of use out of them and he can afford to buy twice as many.  Less than a week into this, but so far my peace of mind is SO much increased.  

I have the work table downstairs mostly cleared off and the pictures I need to sort through and label the ones that I recognize in the main floor office area.   I need to make myself address that task for a while.  There are more outdated magazines and crap I can burn but not a lot of them.  Also I need to post some things on CL or Nextdoor that are still useable but will get no use here.   I don't know why that seems like such a huge mental and emotional effort.  I guess I'm still a big weenie about rejection when an ad gets no replies.  I need to get over that.  I'm thinking maybe posting a bunch of stuff at once may help with that personal bugaboo.  

Will have to ride solo tomorrow. I didn't make plans with anyone.

I'm so tired I'll probably just ride at home.   This is where "You have to ride cuz you entered a ride" used to come in.  It still needs to come in; I just don't feel it as strongly.  Tanza is strong, but he needs a good ride to set him up for success next week.   

Had a fun Sunday ride with B

Lots of walking through deep sand, hand galloped a good ways on an uphill road.  No falls or falling off.  Tanza had a couple of hind foot slips that I felt but nothing scary.   M and J were coming in from an early morning ride as we arrived at the trailhead so we visited for 30 minutes.   Today is back to the blahs.  I may need to be more pro-active disposing of smelly stuff.   Just running the ozone generator is not enough.   Work is all "OMG, we need to do this now, tell me EXACTLY what to do and I can do it"  Sigh. Yeah, if I have to write a document rather than you just following what is in place on the dev system and using history I can do it myself quicker.  I should not have the bad attitude,  I tend to want instructions "do this or do that myself"    But mostly if someone tells me "X needs to be done"  I'll figure out how to do it, or start and ask for detail if one or two things are tripping me up.   I have really developed an attitude of feeling like people who demand exact how-to instructions are not stuck; they are just using that as the excuse to dodge a particular task.  

The commentator I was paranoid about is posting on the big blog today.   I am relieved,  I hope he doesn't feel like I'm being a stalker sending an email this morning.  I probably worry over much that people will feel I am prying or stalking.  In general most folks enjoy knowing someone is thinking of them. 

I still can't shake fear that HQ members are going to die plus I have such low energy

 This sucks.   I know it is a common feeling and I need to just force myself to do some living but so hard to claw out of the rut of low energy,  fear that I'll fall off the horse and get hurt that makes me hesitant to ride when its breezy.  Plus fear that I'll learn that another HQ commenter that I enjoyed has died.  Plus the big dread that Biden and his clown cabinet are going to start WW3 or at minimum start a major global economic depression. 

I'm getting paranoid now that horde members will die

 A long time member posted Tuesday that he thought he and B and SiL were all having long covid or lingering covid.  Had not felt horribly sick but zero energy for a week and maybe he should drag himself out to try to buy horse paste.   Aaack, what is it with people not spending $30 ahead of time in case they get sick? but I reached out to his contact info which was not a direct email to offer to send him some overnight and he responded wed morning with his address and was posting on the blog pretty actively the first part of the day.    Now I haven't seen his nic today or an email response (USPS probably hasn't even delivered yet in Oregon) and I'm in a minor tizzy of "oh no, did he take a sudden downturn?" 

It isn't just completely groundless paranoia after recent deaths of some horde members, but it is pretty darned early to go from annoyance at having the schlepp to the PO to feeling a bit of panic that he may have left it too late to say/do anything.  Breathe in, breath out,  trust that even if I have another pang of loss that all the souls who have passed from the earthly plane are having perfect peace and safety in God's hands.

Convention was pretty good

I had forgotten about my low tire light,  took me 3 gas stations to get the tire up to a decent level and none of them had safety caps to replace the one that was missing.  So I was very late getting there but that was ok.   And I didn't contact the prize person two months ago and say "I don't need anything for 3 lousy LD rides but if you do include us in the LD lists something please make it size medium not small"  So I have another small jacket that I can't wear.  I must look for how-tos to make a jacket into a rump warmer.  At a very minimal level I could just sew on some tie strings I suppose but I would like to see if there are any handy tips.  

I expected there might be someone there who would be all "aack stay away from me" if I let slip I was unvaccinated but I was bummed when that someone was the retired doctor's wife who has always seemed pretty grounded to me "I promised DH I would not sit next to anyone who wasn't vaccinated"  "it is selfish of you, because you put others' health in jeopardy."    Oh well, such is life.   Her retired doc. husband should KNOW better, he must be slipping in his old age to accept that BS from Fauci and the CDC. 

I need to be a bit more productive today,  been dinking with laundry and threw some boneless pork ribs in crock pot with mush. soup and a bit of vinegar and vodka.   I just winged that, so may end up with tough meat with way too much vinegar tang but will find out at supper.  

update-  I wasn't wild about the pork but dad said it was good.  Sigh,  I suppose I can cook chops that way, sans the vinegar.  Chops should not need the extra acid to get tender.  I'm dragging again today.  If I'd had a cold I could say I must have "long covid" but this has to just be depression and less than great diet.  I'm nowhere near as bad as dad but I do eat too much sugar and wheat.  

Must fight off doldrums and get to convention tomorrow

 I normally enjoy it, sometimes feeling like it is a bit much by the end of the day.  But two stupid years of WFH cuz Covid could kill us all, and the general dread of having a socialism pushing idiot in the WH has made my general crowd, not phobia but discomfort, worse.   Plus I was overwhelmed when the Pres. of the group wanted me to tally up points; someone else said they could do it and I gladly whiffed it over to them. So there will be a good bit of making myself go.    But hiding away from it will not help me get over any of my foibles and its not like it will be a great riding day.   The snow is finally starting to melt but footing is likely to be much better on Sunday.  

Finally dropped some stuff off at Arc thrift store yesterday.

 Part of me hates to just drop stuff off there, wondering if they will just toss it, but it was past time for the fancy tea sets and glass serving dishes to have a chance to find a new home instead of continuing to sit unused in their water damages boxes.  I didn't even know the history of when they were acquired so there was no sentimental value to conflict with the "I will never use these"    Also included a calendar hanger/holder.   The calendar we use hangs behind the indoor/outdoor thermometer.  We don't have bare wall space that needs to have a decorative wrought iron calendar holder plus scenic calendar,  I think it was an impulse buy of mom's, possibly she meant to give it to someone.  And a bag of purses she had downstairs and a box of jigsaw puzzles H had given us.   I'm too much of a clutter bug to create and keep a nice surface for jigsaw puzzles to be worked.  Can't do one on a coffee table because the pets would scatter the pieces and we don't have any higher tables or wide shelves that are not occupied. 

And last night I replaced half of the broken zipper on my jacket.  The zipper I used is exactly compatible with the one that broke, just black instead of blue and the jacket zips now so I'll probably just leave it as a two-tone zipper because sewing in a zipper is so painful.  I was trying to take enough time, pin it carefully etc but my work is still very rough.   But it would have taken me months to get around to finding a seamstress to do a nice repair and I was wanted to hang on to the MRER jacket.    Saturday I hung up 3 pictures and a plaque from work plus a doily that aunt Julianna had made and aunt Mary had had mounted in a nice frame.    Yesterday I dumped the last 3 big jars of old soft pickles.  Mom had re-used store bought pickle jars so I just tossed them.  I've been washing the Ball and Kerr jars with intent to off them on Next Door since I do not see myself doing any pickling.  I barely make time to steam some frozen veggies in the microwave.  

Rode with B yesterday

 Been ages since I was able to ride with her on Tanza.  Last time we rode together Tanza was playing "you can't catch me" so I just grabbed Razz.  Then it was holidays and then I burned my foot.   It was fun.  We only rode for 75 minutes with plenty of walking through spots where the trail was still muddy but it was fun.    

Today is supposed to be errand day.   So of course I had to spend a couple hours debugging a problem with the processing for one mission.   I have got to push for more people to be ready to debug and fix problems because I MUST be able to have some completely offline breaks soon.   But it was my bug, of not having a system still emailing me when a meta data file for orbits changes.   And I knew something was up because the clocks systems had been emailing that files had changed but I didn't dig up what was going on until processing with the Gal clocks was down this morning.  

I hope my riding buddy is not long term mad at me

 I missed her text sent a week ago Friday about maybe riding last Sunday until Monday and when I saw it I still kept punting on replying until yesterday and then announced I would not have been up for riding in the cold anyway but am getting shoes on Tanza so should be ready to ride going forward.   Since I was 8 days before replying not hearing from her within 1 day is nothing; but I always fret that I may have lost a riding buddy because my communications are sucky. 

I'm still having difficulty motivating myself to just take a short ride here at home.  But now that Tanza has shoes I don't have to worry about him beating his feet up so one barrier removed.  I need to shake off my other mental barriers and just do it.  

I burned trash after throwing just hay a bit before noon.   Thinking I should catch Tanza when I grain today.  I was still chilled from holding horses for the farrier but got pretty well warmed up doing that.  Arghh still have the lack of energy though and some foods taste off to me for the last several weeks.   My hypochondria side wants to wonder if I had a stealth case of covid but it is very very unlikely.  I can imagine I'd have fatigue and altered taste without having had noticeable flu/cold symptoms.  The fatigue is  most likely just low level depression and not getting quite as many hours of sleep as my very non Trump body wants to have.  

I need to text my brother and see if he would like one of the old generators we have or did he get a newer one to cover outages he'll have when his utility shuts off power when they get windy days to avoid having another fire.   California is so unbelievably stupid anymore.   If bro has interest in generator, chair, maybe some framed pics I should get P to tune up the generator and plan on driving out there this spring with a load of stuff or possibly hint that S and bride could borrow the p/u Ed gave to some church buddy and drive out here and back since they aint working unless that status has changed.  I've got a mental block on reaching out to him.  I had to absolutely force myself to send a Christmas card and check for a gift in December.  

I miss Oregon Muse. My "hobby" lately is throwing out expired pickles

 I feel like such a loser when people are discussing their hobbies or crafting.  It's like being back in HS.  My hobby lately is trying to create/hold useable space.   This house is huge so that should be easy but I tend to scatter shit around.  So I'm trying to reduce the amount of shit.  I have made some progress there but the progress is obscured by my scattered shit.   Hopefully I can get myself back into enjoying riding more as the weather gets nice.   

But the chess thread was just nice.  I could usually work out the easy puzzle and always look at the fashion shots and pics of Melania and princess Kate and enjoy those.   Only a handful of folks would be announcing how they had conquered the medium and hard puzzles, most of the easy puzzle folks I think did like me and solved it but didn't post since easy.  

I guess I really should try to work on my messy nature.  I'd get more enjoyment out of having removed stuff if I kept surfaces more clear.  It is not a huge priority but something to think about moving towards. 

I'd like to ask if they could bring back either the chess or a fashion thread or both maybe monthly and rotated with the hobby/crafting threads but I don't want to offend anyone.  There is interest in the hobby threads and no one can replace OM.  

Couple more steps to get my pet code working.

I played with that instead of doing home improvements or decluttering yesterday.   Good thing I did spend weekend time as I had to redo some things I thought were working fine that only happened to work because I was running session A out of A-X for the test case.  

First world problem?  I almost hate doing laundry.   I haven't analyzed why that is.  Seems silly to dislike it so with the modern washing machine doing almost all of the work but still I do.   Okay, I know a big part of the dislike is dealing with Dad's laundry, and the laundry room is also his bathroom.  Blech, I hate that,   I wish the 70's home builders had not been so niggardly with water pipes.   Not even two full bathrooms for a 4 bedroom  house and then the 3/4 bath on the main floor is also the laundry room.   Sooo stupid.  

My HMO had a little piece in their email "decision fatigue"  BINGO.  That is why it is so hard to declutter.  Trying to think what to do with stuff gets fatiguing.   But alas I already do most of their tips.  "just eat the same breakfast,  simplify what to wear."  So it is back to my thing of "you don't have to make a ton of decisions on "what to do with this item?" in one day or weekend,  just make at least one, up to a few but keep pecking at it every day.   I burned out on sorting pictures and need to force myself to get back to that to avoid having extra clutter in the downstairs office.  

Argghhh,    I didn't preserve LDM from the old system.   Hopefully IT can install it w/o spending too much time.   Makes me want to cry that I didn't preserve the whole /ops directory from before the update.  But spilled milk.  If the boss doesn't shut down IT installing LDM for me I'll be able to resume data flow soon.  If he shuts it down I'll just apologize to the folks that used our data and after a day or three of high angst I'll probably enjoy the reduction in workload and stress. 

Whew,  IT was able to install LDM.  Now I *only* need to get the configurations duplicated at least as far as functionality.   I should be able to get that done; might take some dogged persistence but I have that when I want to and I do want this to work.   I need to set aside my annoyance at the bosses to be able to focus on anything so will make a shopping run after the team meeting and then tackle computer shit. 

A week when I hate my work(place)

We had to buy RH licenses for some PGD hosts and the bosses way of estimating clocks.   The cost effective way to do that was to buy a group of licenses that is 8 more than are/will be needed.   I had inquired of IT about just putting RH on the cpu for my pet ground based project and they informed me of this.   BUT the big boss says no go unless the not actively funded project would pay part of the group license AND  "Weren't we going to end this ground based processing community service effort"  ending was NEWS to ME.   and the boss that was part of the project never responded.  

So being a stubborn redneck red head I am spending hours updating codes so the project will work like our orbital processing does on the open source OS.  And I will figure most of that as educational etc and not charge it to the residual funds only project because pffffttttttt them.   I had expected I would need to do this updating, but I just had to be 'clever' and find out from IT if it would indeed be too costly to just put the licensed vs open source OS on the CPU and when I heard "oh we have extra licenses and it doesn't take very long for us to do this" I thought that would be the most efficient route.   Wrong.   Even if the big boss wasn't being snotty about can't use an excess license without $$ it probably was going to take a fair bit of work for IT and the software engineer to get things to build.  I guess I figured that would be easy peasy since boss built things on his clock systems but he did do one as a build from source code tarballs not an rpm and then just did scp   -r to the other systems, no building of rpms like the regular processing uses.  

OK, this is no biggie other than I'm having a longer outage than I had expected with my 'products'.

But the overall work bosses have decided to mandate covid vaccines by Mar 1st, even though sundown Joe's EO demanding them for federal contractors has been blocked until Mar 1 and by then only mutated variants that amount to a basic cold virus will be around.  Sooo retarded, and so much for the "legal tells us we HAVE to comply with the EO" excuse for deciding that they the employer, not the employees, get to make medical decisions.

I'm not out of a job on Mar 1st cuz they already gave me a religious exemption but I'm still pissed that they are proceeding with the big state nanny move and especially since covid is burning out and the current vaccines do fuck all against the current covid strains.   I guess I should be happy about their mask dropping.   The thing is I didn't want to have to job search or become an entrepreneur, that was why I applied for the exemption last year, and I still don't want to, I  am barely keeping the house livable and the horse pens semi safe now.  I don't see where I'd find the time or energy for a job switch but health insurance is stupid expensive, I feel like I'd end up pretty pinched if I tried to just do an early retirement almost10 years before I'm eligible for medicare. 

Is it nap time?

 So tired today.  Didn't sleep real well, stupid burn kept me awake a bit, thankfully not all night long, then I woke up and was going to doze back off but realized I hadn't switched the one caster so IT can rebuild the caster we are hosting.   My pet project system will not work as I had it before with its OS upgrade.  I need to ask IT how much it would be to make it the paid OS that is on a few critical systems.  If I am way overestimating the cost that would get things back up more quickly.   

Two days later and same question.   I'm tuckered out after 1 load of laundry and a bit of sorting and labeling of 20 year old pictures.  Some of them are fun memories.  Many are frustration because I don't remember or know who the people are.  Dad can't see well enough to recognize if he even would remember the faces.  Oh well, I'm labeling the few I know and moving on.   The reward is mostly to stop having cardboard boxes of old pics in their envelopes from the developers, memories of actual film, plus empty photo boxes by getting the pics into the photo boxes.  I want to get to a point where I don't halfway envy people who lose everything but their pets in a house fire.  So sick of having clutter everywhere.  

Tearing up.   Now is when the Saturday chess and dress thread was posted.   Fuck the CCP and Fauci and his evil CDC, NIH, etc buddies that magnified the lethality of covid with guidelines against using cheaper viable therapies.   Maybe getting the vaccine would have helped Muse have a mild case and not die, but given all their flip flops and the hiding of data and prohibiting therapies, all trying to push only the vaccines, of course we are skeptical,  and plenty of vaccinated folks have died too.   I don't even play chess and not at all a fashionista but I loved the thread, doodling with the beginner chess problem, looking at the dresses, and pics of Melania and princess Kate in their high fashions.   I had to close up the hobby thread tab today.   I could have enjoyed it a wee bit in place of a movie thread but I'm not artistic enough to craft for a hobby, and the grief over losing Muse is too raw to even distract myself reading about folks who can do dioramas and train setups and things and I didn't want to be rude to JJ and the crafters who are talking about their hobbies.