Paranoia strikes deep

I am having a really hard time warding it off lately.   I've always had stray paranoid thoughts but usually can remind myself that everybody gets them at times and "no, most people probably don't even have you on their radar, they are not going around trying to avoid you or thinking you are a poor friend or neighbor or whatever"    

I had an awesome time visiting with online friends in person on Saturday and then a very fun ride with E and her super cute morgan gelding on Sunday.  B texted me asking if I was going to Busch ride this weekend.  She is going with J,  his SiL is not going.   Now I kind of really want to go for the saturday ride but I'm also like "WTH B?"   If I make it I'll see you at the ride of course.  You told me this spring you were saving all your money for repairs to your truck and might go to LaVeta for one day and then go ride sand dunes.  I suppose she thought it would be more polite to text me rather than have me just see her there if I went and find out on the spot that getting an offer of a ride with J "he's crazy but so much fun" plus he has a cushy cushy LQ trailer rather than my 'weekender' bare bones set up was enticing enough to go versus the thought of traveling with me and maybe riding with Tanza.   

But I am feeling hurt and jealous.  Jealous because most guys and some gals are always johnny on the spot wanting to help B out.  Her budget is not so tight as it was while she was doing pre-med classes but she does still just have the little 2 horse straight load and older p/u.   But she is organized and outgoing and cute as a button.  Younger guys want to potentially date her, older or married guys want to help her out in a god fatherly way.  Hurt because she doesn't seem to even want to do day rides with me very much anymore.   That is kind of a bogus feeling since we have ridden together 3 times this spring, but I can't help feeling like if she gets invited to join someone else she is avoiding letting me even know the invitation.  

I strongly suspect that if M&J invite her they don't want me and Tanza at least for right now, while J is getting confidence back that she can ride w/o pain now that she has two bionic hips.  But I'm crushed at the thought that other people would want to avoid riding with us.  Tanza never kicks and doesn't do any outrageous spooking on the trail although he does do some spooking, I don't insist he must be in front or behind or that the pace must be faster or slower.  I just don't know what, if anything, is wrong that people wouldn't want to ride with us.