I couldn't have ONE stinking day away from dad care.

 And I wasn't even trying to do a 24 hour day,  just around 11 hours to go to Boulder and attend the work's annual program review in person.  Stinking dad couldn't TELL the aide(s) that he needed to use the commode, he was just restless trying to get up but just kept telling them no when they asked if he wanted to move to the recliner.  Well of course he didn't want to be in recliner which is harder to get up from when he needed to use the commode. 

Overall its fine.  He was dehydrated and his high blood sugar was high.  After getting fluids in the ER he is back to his normal level and was able to hobble to his chair today after I got him upright with the gait belt.  

It just sucks that there is no decent fill in when I have to be gone.   L is very good when she is awake but with her insomnia (I hope it is just insomnia) sometimes she only gets to sleep around dawn and then zonks out for most of the day.   Some of the folks working with the HHS company are incredibly good, but some seem like its their first job and are a horrible fit for me.  I don't want to have to supervise some kid, defining exact house cleaning tasks for them to do.  I want to have someone I can trust to handle dad's care, while I'm gone, even on days when he is weak and not directing them as to what he needs.

Wondering if I need to update sis on dad's health

I thought he might be near the end a couple times last spring but told myself not to phone sis because I didn't want to give a false alarm, cuz they went through that with B's dad 2 or 3 times before the dad really was fading out. 

But dad is barely eating and drinking the last few days and that is a big indicator that the end may be near.   I guess I need to give her the status as I see it and let her decide if she wants to come out when she saw him 3 months ago and he might rally and then be fine for many months. 

And I suppose I should reach out to the neighbors as well.  I am hesitating because I dread everyone thinking I should pack dad off to an ER to see if the docs could get him a bit better and keep him going an extra month or whatever.   I'll take dad if he wants to go, but I don't want to have him carted off to be poked and prodded if he doesn't desire that.   Plus I'm afraid that if he came up positive on a stupid covid test they might declare he needs to be in an isolation unit.  Maybe I could refuse to admit him and insist on taking him home if they did that, not sure.  Especially since my ability to get him into a vehicle to take him home is pretty sketchy w/o having help.  

Struggling to be Thankful this year

I'm trying to get there.  I have most of the same blessings I usually feel very grateful for, not just in November but all year long.  Job, Tanza, great neighbors, family gets along with each other.

A blessing that went away that I didn't realize was so huge was the freedom to be gone on weekends and just having more free time in general.   I'm not swamped with tasks, having aides come in and having to find light housekeeping for them to do I don't end up having to catch up on laundry and the like on weekends.  But it has been wearing not being able to just decide to go off on a weekend; not having ability to just have dad drive his car over when I run a vehicle somewhere to get worked on and stuff like that.   I've always struggled with setting up appointments and so on and that is worse now.  

I got the blues

 For no good reason.   Just feeling my lack of friends today.  I am thankful for the awesome neighbors, the meal service for dad has been such a blessing and they do reach out to me a bit too.  But I can't shake the feeling the past few days that not a single earthly soul cares directly about me.  coworkers care if I'm okay because they'd be in a huge bind without my work output.    I think the neighbors are nice to me because I'm keeping dad at home yada yada.  

T-Day.   I am wondering if I have unknowingly annoyed the neighbors.  Probably they are just busy, but I think I will suggest she can pause the meals for the rest of the year cuz I've got to deal with 10 lbs of ham, and dad's appetite is so erratic right now, plus they will have such a busy schedule with all the holiday activities.   Sent sis a text.  She texted me back a pic of her dogs on the couch.  No 'I have time before or after X if you want to call and chat' or thinking of you with dad, or anything.    I should phone brother tonight.   He is not much for texting and I haven't talked to him in I don't know when.  First I need to drag my lazy butt outside and get the horses fed though.  

Sis called me this evening.  Was even able to talk a bit to dad.  (Usually he can't hear phone at all)

I have not called brother.  I put phone on to charge 45 minutes ago but apparently didn't have the plug in completely so it is still at only 11%.  

Gray, damp, and chilly day

 I've been stress snacking a bunch.  I need to stick to my 'fasting' window now and no more food until tomorrow.   I'm stressed because dad has some kind of bug.  He is weak and low energy, some coughing and phlegm.   Because he is so weak to start with every bug is bad.  But he doesn't want to see a doctor and I don't even get myself to my HMO for screenings.   Hopefully dad is better by Sat. when the next aide shift is scheduled.   The gal on Sat. thought I should call 911 and at least have EMT's check his vitals but I resisted.  I put the pulse and O2 monitor on him and his pulse was 60, O2 was low 90s.  That is pretty good for him and he didn't want a Dr.  And I don't want him carted off to a hospital.

He ate some eggs and bacon last night and took his pills with juice this morning but didn't even drink tea until about 1, and hasn't eaten anything all day.   That happens with bugs, but feeble old person; one of the key indicators that they are really declining is if they stop eating.   But I need to stop stressing about shit in general and dad in particular and I really need to stop the stress eating I've been doing the past few weeks.

Here we go again

 I had to drag out the Hoyer to get dad out of his chair.  Then after getting him cleaned up he thought he could make it back to the chair.   Nope.   I got to wrestle him onto the lifting jack chair twice because I thought it might work to use the wheelchair to get him over to the recliner the first time, but couldn't get him into the recliner and he ended up on the floor again.   

Last time I had to drag out the lift dad snapped back to his normal the next day so we'll see.  His back looks bad again.  He had been not wanting to mess with getting washed and a bandage applied for a few weeks.   I'm going to have to be pushy about at least slapping a Telfa pad on quick when he stands up after using the commode if he goes back to that. 

I get so tired taking care of him, but I will be horribly lonely when he is gone.   Maybe I should try some online matching services.  A man who would be good to dad and understanding of me not having time to keep him company fishing or going to ball games etc would be a keeper. 

The aide thought I should call to have EMTs check dad's BP and temperature.   I can't see the point.  They can't prescribe antibiotics if they think he has bronchitis or pneumonia.  Dads pulse and O2 are normal this morning.   I should try to make him spell out his wishes for me as far as doctoring.  He doesn't want to end up in a hospital bed and I'm on the same page but I don't know if he is at a point of wanting only hospice level care and doesn't want to get antibiotics if he gets sick and when he is sick it is too hard to get an answer out of him.  

I am super tired today,  I should do a wally's run, in fact need to heave myself off the chair and do it since I already put garbage in the car and I don't want the car to get all smelly leaving it in there. 

Gaah with work roadblocks.

 Feels like everyone is blocking me on purpose sometimes.  I know that's BS,  everyone is too busy to have any time to spend actively blocking anyone.  OTOH, being busy gives handy cover to ignore me when I request a bit of help or information so I can get something done and even though everyone has to scrape and bow to DEI slogans, we are all a team blah blah blah,  most folk's biggest purpose is making themselves look better than everyone else if not looking good.  What they don't seem to grasp is that if I am overly blocked and can't get shit working, then everyone's job will be in a bit of extra jeopardy if the funding agency decides our group isn't capable.

Tired this morning

 Dad slept from about 3 pm to 3 am.   I didn't stay up waiting for him to stir, but every time I got up to pee I wound up going down at least once when he coughed or shifted in bed to see if he was trying to get up and I was tossing and up and down for about an hour before he actually stirred and got up. 

But the girl that signed up for Sundays called off and the substitute is more experienced with dealing with mobility issues and so on so at least I feel more comfortable about riding in the horse pens.  

Thursday the neighbor that is so good with dad was exhausted or sick or something.   She has insomnia issues so maybe just exhausted and a one time deal.  I don't want to rely on her too heavily because there were two fridays a few weeks ago that I thought she intended to come and never showed, the first one she had texted and I missed seeing it that she was just falling asleep at 7:xx am so could she come a different day or something.   It was no issue since I had no plans those days; but at the same time if she is going to  miss sleep for days and then crash randomly I can't count on her having an alert day so I can be gone all day.  

P.S.  Did get on Tanza and rode him for a bit in the pen.   I let Toby stay out and Tanza was pretty good even with Toby pestering.  

Again I need to get myself out of the house

 I need to go get beet pulp and want to get an extra bag of the feed I'm giving Tanza and Lady at night (they keep going to each others spots so I decided I'll just give her the same as Tanza for the night feeding.)    I have got the experienced aide here today so I don't have any worries about being gone.   I just never seem to have much energy on Saturdays.   Well I never have much energy on any day lately, but the low energy is annoying on Saturday since I could be gone from 9 to 5 on days the regular Sat person is here with no worries that about her ability to handle any care he ends up needing.