summer doldrums

My friend is expecting in January.   I didn't even know she was getting married.  In fact I'm not 100% sure she did marry even after getting on FB to see what I had missed.   She has wanted to be a parent for years, I'm happy for her but also a bit envious that she is realizing her dream and I am treading water trying to avoid going into a serious depression and wondering whether to sell this place and finally 'run away from home' or try to get a housemate or 2 to make being here more enjoyable.   Obviously I am not a close friend.   She is one of my few friends but she is super social and has a huge circle of friends. 

The neighbor and friend that took care of dad and still comes weekly and cleans the floors and counters and does laundry is probably expecting as well.   

And I am just getting through the days and have punted on wrapping up the last bit of settling dad's estate.  Blah. 

Decisions, decisions

 I need to call the hay lady's son in the real estate business and see what he thinks this place might sell for.  

I also need to get an ad somewhere for a roommate and do Farmers Only or something like it.   If I got a great roommate perhaps staying here is the best option.   But I am feeling unloved in the neighborhood.  I'm trying to engage more but I feel like I'm only getting polite acceptance because they all liked dad.  

If I had a partner to help, setting up a new place would feel a lot more doable and I could shake the colorado dust off my sandals when I left.   I feel like the commiecrats will keep the state in a death spiral for my lifetime if not forever.  I'm a bit hesitant to sell because the sibs will probably think they should get a cut if the place did sell for a lot.  But I could give them some money up to the gift tax limit for a year or 3 to keep family peace.  Staying here but not enjoying it just because "the sibs will feel screwed if I sell and get a lot of $"  would be stupid.    

Late P.S.  my big fear with moving is I would be just as lonely and unconnected in a new place, if not more so.  I probably should get on some dating sites and try to connect with someone else who would like to move away from cali lite.  

I feel flat as a pancake today

 The neighborhood ladies were texting about the 4th parade a month ago.   Someone wrote "I miss Carl and his tractor"  Which morphed into "we should have a Carl memorial tractor" which morphed into "lets make it a memorial for all the neighborhood folks, and also pets that died recently.   The night after that was set up I was tossing and turning and went "I don't want to drive dad's tractor as his stand-in for the parade,  I was thinking I'd ride CJ in the parade but since they wanted Carl memorial I had the middle of the night thought to do a riderless horse, but hunting theme and not so somber and spit shined as a military funeral procession.    

So this was the result.    I got myself walking regularly the month before so I'd be fit and took CJ out once, and he led fine so I figured this will work.   UGH,  CJ was channeling RazzMo and Tanza, acting all goosey about the tractors and 4 wheelers with flags.   He finally settled down after a few blocks but I was still having to really hold him to make sure he didn't get ahead of me and circle around me.  But I got him through the parade and back home.   

I don't think a single person in the neighborhood got what I was doing.  The folks at the start just saw a rambunctious horse and if anyone understood the symbolism of the backwards boots and the cap on the saddle horn they never said so to me.  I texted the pics I took of CJ and of the tractor the neighbors decorated to sis and asked if she had gotten in a trail ride late that afternoon.  She had, she sent me a selfie;  NOT one WORD about CJ or the tractor memorial and she got her check from the insurance company that was a PITA to deal with earlier in the week, I got mine as well.  She texted to make sure the split was correct cuz of the extra dividends on it but of course didn't bother to include a "thanks sis"  

I need to be riding Tanza and slowly rehabbing his stifle but I was so exhausted from the parade walk and from people overload attending the potluck.  I brought watermelon and someone else had already set up a huge bowl of nice melon.  I didn't enjoy the food as much as last year.  They may have just boiled the dogs and they had them all in buns so I took one with a crappy hot-dog bun to be polite.   There were deviled eggs and I had some and I had lots of yummy desserts but no one brought tater salad.  Lucky I bought some store stuff last week,  I added some pickles and onions to it today to make it taste more like good tater salad.  

So I'm just feeling tired and deflated today.   

Evening P.S.  I rode Tanza and he was off afterwards not super ouchie ouchie stabbing his toe but landing on the toe  and a bit short stride.  Arghh.  I didn't put surpass on it or anything.  I will see if he is still landing on his toe tomorrow.   If so I guess I need to set up to have his joint injected.   I'm thinking possibly just a  bit of overwork, (or perhaps it was him scooting through the gate when I went into the paddock) won't really set him back but who knows.   Buying another horse doesn't feel wise, but life is so much easier when you can just get a good ride on the weekends and that is their conditioning for distance riding.  Tanza is probably going to need to be ridden 3-4 times week always now.   It might be good for me to be forced to ride that often;  I just don't want to mess up that stifle and have him permanently lame. 

Sigh. I thought T-Rowe would have called me by now.

 I want to just get the stupid estate shit done, and yet I don't feel like messing with stupid BOA and their "notarized small estate affidavit"    Its just a ducking CC, BOA,  if there is some small cash back on it I don't think it is bigger than the balance so you could just take that off the amount due and send me the bill for the remainder.   I should not have to jump through hoops just to do the right thing to settle dad's small amount owed to you.  I know my resentment is way bigger than the actual amount of time getting yet another form notarized and sent off so I need to set aside my grumps and just do it.

I also need to call the stinking insurance company and find out exactly how to proceed with them since they didn't just accept the small estate affidavit and send me a check to then share proceeds with the lazy ass siblings who are doing diddly squat to help me sort out this crap out.   I should just sell this place, the hesitations on my end are all "oh the work of moving, and I'll not know my neighbors"  But it is stupid to stay unless I get a roommate that will work off the rent and or horse board,  I never feel like I have time to go do anything fun.  

And stinking sis on Friday managed to pass putting Dad's obit online to me.   I had a hunch I'd end up having to do it.  Yes I am more set up for that specific thing since it is uploading online but she has done bupkis on anything else to get shit taken care of; she was off having fun at a PBR event when she called me.   MUST BE NICE to be able to just go do things. 

I survived the Jaguar jaunt on Saturday

This was a 5K run to benefit the "Wild Animal Sanctuary"  They are now a zoo and a PAC more than a place that rescues wild animals that had been pets or displays in ragtag private zoos or circuses.  We walked a good bit of the walkway after the 5K walk that wound through their access roads for caring for the critters and found the little plaque from donating in mom's name after she passed away. 

 And I also got through the barbecue and meeing L's father and sibling.   My legs were sore later that afternoon  and my back was a bit unhappy but an ibuprofen in the late afternoon and a generic Aleve before going to bed and I was OK today.

I liked L's mom a lot.   Mom is an L as well, not the same name but same initial and grew up in Nebraska and we chatted quite a lot on the walk, L senior is one of those really nice people that you end up sharing all kinds of life tidbits with because they engage with you and draw you out. 

L's dad:  I guess I'll say I think he fits the salesman persona quite well.  Very charming but seemed like he would say anything to sell his viewpoint.  I don't even know if the selling of insurance to customers was his role but it seemed quite likely.  

L's sibling had to leave early, he was working that evening I guess.   It was very nice of her/him to drive his dad out to L's place for the barbecue so dad didn't have to wait around while the walkers did the walk.  L sr introduced as "this is L's sibling Don/Dawn", verbally both spellings sound alike.   He/she was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and looked like like a slight young man on saturday.   I'm glad I didn't have to process heavy makeup and a frilly hairdo.   It was enough to walk through the house hearing L and her dad talking about Trumps 'conviction' and siding with the CNN take.    

Growing up I never dreamed my country would end up having show trials and political prisoners and it is just surreal to hear everyday people who believe the brazen BS that the FNM wing of the commiecrat party pumps out.  It has to be a huge degree of willful ignorance because they have got to know of many cases where the FNM aired something to support the narrative and then very quietly walked it back later. 

I want to do an empty saddle in the neighborhood parade for dad

 I don't want to be his stand-in driving the tractor.   I will have to ask some folks if they would drive the tractor,  does the group that came up with the idea want to have tractor tow a flatbed trailer 'float' and then the float can have some memorial posters for dad, John, sorely missed pets etc on it.  

That would allow me to rig up the backwards boots in stirrups and have a scabbard if B left me any, find an orange cap or maybe use one of dad's cowboy hats and lead CJ.  Borrowing from the military riderless horse theme.  https://theskeletonkeychronicles.com/2021/05/18/the-riderless-horse/

That would be cool, and not feel like I was just making the neighbors happy.   They all knew dad, they probably thought it eccentric for him to drive his prius to take the dogs on walks but they all saw him and dad being the outgoing friendly guy, many of them had chatted with him often over the years.  I joined the neighborhood group only a couple years ago.   When I was commuting to work I never could have attended their get-togethers, and my phone(s) have limited mass text abilities so I even now I can't fully do the neighborhood chat thing.  I've been lurking and send a reply sometimes to a single person, but I still feel like an outsider to the group.   That is mostly because they are all married, most of them moms, many SAHMs and a good percent are even home-schooling.   Not much overlap with my science nerd, single self. 

Yay, Hay is going into the hay shed today

 I was getting very stressed that I wouldn't be able to get the hay hauler that has a stack retrieval truck this year; when he called on Monday I could commit to the grower to take 4 stacks and did so. 

Now I have an extra stack of hay beyond what I needed to feed the horses here for the next 12-13 months;  so hay wise I can very much get another horse.  I'm still on the fence about getting one.  Money wise I can afford it easily enough, but time wise they all get short changed on care as it is.   It would be really nice to be able to go to rides again.   But maybe I should broaden my vacation horizons instead of getting another 4 legged dependent.   

Stupid estate settling is still frustrating me no end.   I punted on doing anything about it for a full week, but trying to get back on track this week.   Got a check from one ins. company so that is a motivator  to tackle the BS again. 

The neighborhood group had this vague idea of doing a memorial 'Carl's tractor' this year for the neighborhood July 4th parade.   The gal that helped with dad would like to broaden it to include her FIL that passed away in October.   I'm vaguely thinking I could tow a trailer and maybe the neighborhood kids could decorate it as a memorial float.  I could buy poster paper or whatever and they could get  Semper Fi Carl (marine)  and Into the wild blue yonder? John (Air Force)   posters made up and then add flags and streamers and so on.   

Sis wrote an obituary for dad.   I cleaned it up a bit where I thought things did not flow at all.  I'd had a rough idea in mind to come up with something much shorter and pithy to publish and have the longer bit for memorial folders but the legacy.com is a flat rate service rather than by the word and I really don't have energy to write and rewrite to get the short pithy paragraph so I think will call our joint effort good for both things.