I'm so nervous about the potential live in person.

 It is awful of me, I keep halfway hoping to find dad has died overnight when I come down in the mornings so I won't have to mess with getting more help.  Then I dismiss the thought and pray God's will be done.  WHEN I get a steady aide so I feel like I have freedom to be gone all day or even some overnights I expect I'll be content for dad to keep on trucking for several months or even a couple more years. 

The regular Saturday gal from the service told me she is leaving them to take a job with a memory facility because it is just too hard for her to get 40 hours a week because good clients with longer shifts pass away or go to a facility.  When I get a live in I will probably just pause using the service if the neighbor is willing to keep coming once that happens.   I've gotten so tired of feeling like I can't really make any plans where I'll be away from the house for more than a couple of hours because the service may send some rookie who isn't ready to deal with a low communication person with mobility issues like dad.   I don't need light housecleaning help that has to be given an exact list of what should be cleaned; I need someone who can hold the fort when I'm gone.   Hopefully I can get a live in who is willing to take days off during the week so I can be free to go riding on weekends.  

I have an applicant for my live in caregiver posting, and I took a short ride on Tanza today

 Did a phone interview with the applicant and she seems quite nice.  She is coming on Sunday to check out the place and the situation.   If she moves in maybe I'll finally shake off some ennui, get my pickup trailer wiring fixed and have the BAT looked at by a trailer place and try to reconnect with the riding buddies by spring.

Right now I'm still pretty much just barely managing the daily stuff, feeding critters and dad daily and trying to do a decent amount of work and keep my job, but at least there are applicants for my current posting.  Most don't seem to want a live in situation but at least there is some generic interest.  If nothing else I can probably get folks to come in overnights.  Dad has lately been sleeping in his recliner and that does leave me sleeping more soundly; he is less likely to end up on the floor than if he was using his bed. 

The neighbor that helps on some weekday mornings was a no show on Thursday.  I should text her to see if she is all right.   I thought maybe she was just confused on dates cuz of coming on Tuesday because holiday but she didn't come Friday or text or anything.   I need to be much better about initiating communications. 

The chest freezer died, I noticed it on Wed evening.

 I got the last of the rotted contents thrown away and the cardboard burned today.   I asked L to text the neighborhood ladies for me to solicit some help getting the freezer out of the house Thursday morning and one volunteered her sons after they got home from school.  I was shocked that they were in school on the 21st.  They were very nice capable young men.  Not just brawn, but knew how to deal with moving a heavy freezer.  I had pulled a few things out of the freezer Wed night when I noticed the light blinking and opened the freezer to find UGH, everything has been warm long enough to be rotting.   Thankfully most of the meat was in vacuum seal bags, but there was still some smelly liquid at the bottom of the freezer.   In the wee hours Thursday I was not sleeping, and had a pain in my chest.  It didn't feel like my typical gas pain from eating too much too late in the day but I had been stress eating that evening,  finally I made myself get up to check some vital signs, kept thinking "this feels nothing like what I think a heart attack would feel like, but women supposedly have heart attacks w/o obvious symptoms and I can't die, I need to take care of Tanza so I need to call 911 if I might be having some serious medical issue"  After I stumbled downstairs I pulled my coffee out of the freezer, pushed the freezer away from the wall a bit, I had thought maybe I could get it shoved out of the door, and went "I definitely need to get neighbor muscle to help me with this tomorrow" and dumped a bag of kitty litter in it.   Then I took my pulse and O2 with the finger monitor and my BP and they were fine, plus I had felt fine shoving the freezer.  

Yesterday, the 22nd, I put up the tree on top of the coffee table behind dad's bed.   It has the lights but I didn't get any ornaments on it.  I have the box of ornaments in the porch but I don't know if I'll get any on the tree.  The substitute aide today had hurt her foot and said she couldn't do much housework.  I should have directed her to cut rags and tape up telfa pads for me, but I let her just sit and play on her phone when she wasn't doing stuff for dad.   Dad did decide to move to bed while I was bagging up the last of the freezer contents, I was all "Oh not now, I've got freezer yuck on my clothes when I came in and heard her", but they had made it to the bed already on their own by the time I shucked the icky jacket and muck boots so I just got the pickup and got the bagged rotted food to the dumpster.   At least it is supposed to be cooler tomorrow.  I felt kind of bad putting that stuff in the shared with neighbor dumpster but what else was I going to do?  I did burn the soggy smelly cardboard in the burn barrel. 

Neighbors had a fair amount of company over.  At least the dumpster is not too close to their house.  And it's not like they had told me they were having people over on today; I might have delayed putting stuff in the dumpster if I had known they'd be entertaining.   I had thought about asking if their kids might come over and decorate the tree but hadn't asked before deciding I NEEDED to get the freezer contents into the dumpster, so with them having company today I just shelved the idea of texting one of them to ask. 

Definitely stopping the thursday overnight shift

 The gal was nice and all but she did hardly anything.  I gave her just a few tasks before I went upstairs to crash and she did a nice job of fixing telfa pads.  Cutting rags was very shoddy, she just cut into huge pieces and didn't cut out the snaps or anything and she didn't sweep the porch at all.   

Of course I dial the service and don't get an answer.   Nothing like actually living the whole "can't find an employee who will do a decent job" to understand how thoroughly the commies have ruined this country.

The neighbor who is so wonderful with dad and also does plenty of cleaning and stuff when she is here said she would come this morning, but was a no show.   Very hard to get more than 2/3 of the important things with anyone. 

Not sure about keeping the overnight aides from the service

 Both were very nice and I did sleep more deeply.   But last week the extra rest was completely offset by walking out to find Lady hung up in the fence.   The gal was so nice I can't really picture her hazing Lady into jumping on purpose so I suppose it was a freak thing like an auto car unlock with lights coming on that startled Lady and the gal probably did not even see it.  But still there is the tiny possibility that she saw the horse jump and couldn't be bothered to tell me.    And last night's gal was very nice and very sweet to Toby and Tux as well as to me.  But neither did much of any cleaning or anything.  Perhaps they both take night shifts to be more restful.  But with it being so expensive thru the service I'm not eager to pay all that just for someone to watch dad sleep.  I am able to hear him most of the time and the last couple of days he is pretty much on a schedule of sleeping overnight instead of waking up in the wee hours wanting eggs.

I just really need to get my ass in gear and start asking everyone I know at all if they know anyone who might want to take a live in caregiver / caretaker position for 800 to 1000 per week.   That is not bad money and they can also live here rent free.

Had an aide overnight last night

 I slept better and when I got out of bed to see if dad wanted to use commode or move to recliner he was already sitting in recliner eating pop tarts and drinking tea.  I'll have to ask A tomorrow to show me how she places the wheelchair and stands wrt to dad to move him.  Perhaps I'm getting the chair too close to the recliner or something. 

But when I went out to feed I found Lady hung up in the fence.   She had tried to jump over it from the outside.  There is a retaining wall and the fence is only about 32 inches on the outside of the pen, but she is not one to do stupid stuff normally.   She is alive tonight and nibbled some food, passed manure when I was getting her some soaked hay pellets tonight but she is very not right.   It is reminding me of when Dad's horse Stardust and a stroke.  Lady is all spooky when I go to walk up to her and seems very unsure of her surroundings and wanting to just turn in a circle.  That could be from the pain if she injured something but it is reminding me of Stardust.   If it was a stroke it might be a blessing if she does like Stardust and has a massive deadly stroke tonight.

But it is niggling at me that the aide parked under the tree near the fence where Lady was hung up.  Aide seemed like a nice gal; hard to imagine her hazing a horse over a fence and not telling me, or even seeing the horse go over and not letting me know what had happened and maybe Lady got startled by lights, or beep if the aide unlocked her doors remotely just outside my door and jumped that fence before the aide could see her.  Lady was not visible until I walked right up to the fence to see what Toby was barking at this morning. 

Dad had an ensure mid morning and then wanted eggs a couple hours later so his appetite today was quite good.  He is sleeping now.  The cat or dog was moving and making noise and I was like Ugh not wanting to deal with dad, went down and dad was sleeping in his chair.  I have GOT to make some calls, try to get the neighbors networking for me to see if I can some live in help or I may need to resort to putting dad in a facility this spring.   If dad's hearing was better, I think he'd do just fine in a facility, he has always been pretty social; but I do worry that with the poor hearing he would just feel displaced and lost. 

Dad seems to be getting stronger now

 I was having angst but was mostly mentally prepared for him to fade away in the next few weeks, contacted sis and bro and they both came out for visits and dad was still pretty out of it and hardly wanting to eat or drink.  Then Monday night he drank juice, pepsi and had a protein drink and 2:30am Tuesday morning was stirring and had eggs, pop tarts and tea and took his pills.   Then 7 am Tuesday I had hit my snooze button but heard "Teresa"  and he was on the floor.   He didn't need the commode so I guess he was just tossing too much in bed and couldn't recover when he ended up over the edge.

7:30 pm Tuesday he had eggs and a cinnamon mini cake, tea, and took his pills.  Then 4:30 am today, Wednesday, he was awake.  Wanted the commode but no output, and was looking hard for eggs, was sitting up in bed thinking he was going to go see if we had eggs, silly old coot.  He took his pills and some juice and ate his eggs over easy, didn't want tea.    Then 8:30 am he was stirring again,  sat on the commode again but no output and wanted to move to his chair,  ate some cheese and drank a chocolate ensure after I got him into the recliner.  We whiffed getting him from wheelchair to recliner and I had to get the lift chair but did barely get him into recliner from the lift chair. 

Dad has slept all day

 He always sleeps a lot but normally up to a week ago he would get up in sometime in the morning hours and often use the commode, maybe just want dry depends, then into the recliner, have his pills and juice and then tea and pop tarts, maybe turn the TV on and probably doze off while watching his westerns.   Today around 11:30 am he was awake, not wanting to get up but I bullied him into sitting up and taking his pills with a glass of juice and put clean depends on him. 

This not even wanting to have juice or tea all day makes me think he is fading off this mortal coil.  I've been kind of expecting it for a year now but I'm still not mentally or emotionally ready.   I suppose one never is really ready for the death of a close family member.  And he might bounce back to his normal in a few days.   He was tired and chilled Wed night after the ER visit but was close to his normal yesterday.  So I suppose if he was able to get fluids and whatever else they gave him there he would do better; but I don't think he wants to be in a hospital and I've had zero luck trying to arrange any home medical visits.  I guess I didn't try super hard; but it seemed to be "you are in a dead zone between services offered from Fort Collins area or from Denver." when I was trying to get on with a home doctor visits service. 

Sis is coming on Monday for a brief visit, returning to ND on Friday.  Maybe she will better know how to find out about getting him services.   Or maybe we can both come to peace with letting him fade away as long as he is not asking for medical help, which he has not been.   I still think that if he wants to die at home I want to accommodate that desire.  But I am feeling like neighbors, health service agency, etc will be mentally dinging me for not doing more to keep him alive.   If dad was expressing desire to see if docs could mend him I would honor those requests; but if he is ready to die I don't feel like it's my place to say "no, you have to go through medical treatments to prolong your life by a few weeks or months." 

p.s.  he woke up later,  no to "are you thirsty, are you hungry" until I wrote on white board that I could use a big pillow so he could sit up in bed;  then he drank some electrolytes I made up for him, a mug of tea and had a mini pie and an ensure plus.   

Saturday he again stayed in bed but did eat a couple of eggs and had a drink.  He barely drank anything else all day.   Shortly after I had crawled into bed I heard him banging,  he needed to get up to use commode and the tray was banging from him rocking his walker.   By force of will I got him on the commode with him hardly able to help, barely even able to sit up; and back onto his bed and cleaned up and Desitin on the tender bits. 

Today, Sunday he was sitting up when I went downstairs, with his legs on the far side of the bed.  "Do you want to sit in that recliner?"  "I might fit"  I decided he wanted to be in his big recliner.  I got him up but he couldn't navigate the corner with his walker, sat down on bed.  I got the wheelchair and rolled his bed to make a bit more room and got him into chair, to recliner and into recliner.   He wanted eggs for breakfast rather than pop tarts.  Then he ate a rice kripsy treat and drank a decent amount of tea.  The aide was not a huge amount of help but she was a steady older gal, I ran to Walmart, I felt ok that she would manage if dad woke up and needed something.  Dad woke up a bit and had a protein drink and would have just dozed in chair but I insisted we were moving him to bed while aide was here, cuz I didn't want to be forced to use the Hoyer later since he hates it, but I wouldn't have wanted to just leave him in chair overnight and his morning strength was gone.  Dad didn't help much but M was able to help me get him into the wheelchair and then into his bed and changed into dry Depends. 

I am feeling tired and run down.  I hope sis is not too road weary when she gets here and can be a real help for a few days.