Paranoia strikes deep

I am having a really hard time warding it off lately.   I've always had stray paranoid thoughts but usually can remind myself that everybody gets them at times and "no, most people probably don't even have you on their radar, they are not going around trying to avoid you or thinking you are a poor friend or neighbor or whatever"    

I had an awesome time visiting with online friends in person on Saturday and then a very fun ride with E and her super cute morgan gelding on Sunday.  B texted me asking if I was going to Busch ride this weekend.  She is going with J,  his SiL is not going.   Now I kind of really want to go for the saturday ride but I'm also like "WTH B?"   If I make it I'll see you at the ride of course.  You told me this spring you were saving all your money for repairs to your truck and might go to LaVeta for one day and then go ride sand dunes.  I suppose she thought it would be more polite to text me rather than have me just see her there if I went and find out on the spot that getting an offer of a ride with J "he's crazy but so much fun" plus he has a cushy cushy LQ trailer rather than my 'weekender' bare bones set up was enticing enough to go versus the thought of traveling with me and maybe riding with Tanza.   

But I am feeling hurt and jealous.  Jealous because most guys and some gals are always johnny on the spot wanting to help B out.  Her budget is not so tight as it was while she was doing pre-med classes but she does still just have the little 2 horse straight load and older p/u.   But she is organized and outgoing and cute as a button.  Younger guys want to potentially date her, older or married guys want to help her out in a god fatherly way.  Hurt because she doesn't seem to even want to do day rides with me very much anymore.   That is kind of a bogus feeling since we have ridden together 3 times this spring, but I can't help feeling like if she gets invited to join someone else she is avoiding letting me even know the invitation.  

I strongly suspect that if M&J invite her they don't want me and Tanza at least for right now, while J is getting confidence back that she can ride w/o pain now that she has two bionic hips.  But I'm crushed at the thought that other people would want to avoid riding with us.  Tanza never kicks and doesn't do any outrageous spooking on the trail although he does do some spooking, I don't insist he must be in front or behind or that the pace must be faster or slower.  I just don't know what, if anything, is wrong that people wouldn't want to ride with us. 

Vaccinated co-workers are part of the summer covid wave.

 It seems early for the 'summer' wave.  But my main takeaway is the good little peons who listened to sundown Joe and got vaccinated last fall to be 'fully vaccinated' by the initial Dec deadline are catching covid.  I should be nice.  ONE co-worker and family got covid.  The second one just announced daughter has covid.  She might not catch it and daughter is in HS, so I have no idea whether daughter got vaccinated or not.  

I could be wrong but my gut feeling from what I've seen is that the vaccination is barely effective and only for a few months.  I am not prone to vaccine reactions but even so, this vaccine does cause reactions, sometimes severe for some people.  I'm not exposed to large numbers of people in my work so my risk of catching any virus is pretty low so why would I get vaccinated unless the vaccine had an incredibly low number of reactions and they were all mild?

That would be the calculus if it was only risk/benefit analysis on should I get the covid vaccine.  Since there is also the issue of not going along with letting uncle Sam make medical decisions for me it becomes  NO, NOPE, Not happening, on getting this particular vaccine.    

I am struggling with anxiety and mild depression.  Since Bee had a colic episode two days after I got back from Moab I'm a bit worried about being gone.  I could just enjoy riding with friends, only it feels like they don't want to ride with me.  That is the anxiety issue.  "Do I seem so reckless with Tanza that they are nervous riding with us?"  "Am I not contributing sufficiently for Happy Hour?"   I don't know how to fix the Happy Hour thing.  I'd gladly just give the organized couple some cash to defray their expenses or I could buy burgers or brats or whatever if they did a rotation of "your turn to provide meat to grill" but just bringing stuff ad hoc it is usually extraneous.  Last year I took to bringing extra beer but my beers in cans are not hoity enough, they like bottles; and now B is into hard seltzer and M announced his doc is wanting him to avoid wheat.  

Feeling lonely and bored

I suppose I should go fetch my phone and see if anyone has texted me.  The weather does not look nice for riding.  It might be okay on Sunday, just a bit chilly.   That would be fine for riding.  Supposed to be nasty windy on Saturday, like today but chilly vs quite warm.   I'm sick of wind already this year, and have lots of company in that feeling.   I'm also on day 4 of feeling bloated about this time of day.   It is not bad today, Tuesday I thought I might actually puke and my back was hurting too.   

Oh I do have a message from the gal in Elizabeth that is wanting to dip her toes in the distance riding scene.  Must think how to respond.   

I must get beyond feeling rejected by the old riding buddies and work on networking with more people.  I have quite enjoyed when I rode with that group and hopefully we can work out something this summer.  Maybe ride with the new gal or new gal and B from same trailhead and join in the after ride visiting and eating until they get to a point of being ready to deal with riding with the energizer bunny and absent minded rider.  But I also should strive to just enjoy Tanza without needing buddies.  

I think the weather guessers were wrong.  There is a breeze today but not the strong winds I thought were predicted.   Maybe I'll get on Razz and or Sadie.   I'm still tired from trip and Bee scaring me with a colic on Wednesday but I don't want to waste the day.

I had fun on my trip.

 Not success, I was going to enter two LDs.  But Tanza was off on his right hind at the vet check on day 1.   He was wanting to stand or step on the toe so I think it was soreness in that foot but didn't try to find a hoof tester.  I don't really know how to use it anyway.    So I pulled and did not ride the LD on day 2.  

He was much better Sunday morning so I did take him on a 12 mile walking ride and enjoyed the scenery. Was back in camp as the LDs were finishing, they didn't need any P/R help so just watched but someone told the RM that the 30 miles had 7 hrs to complete versus the actual 7 hrs 15 minutes so I was able to correct her so she didn't mark the tail enders as over time.  The very last two were leading their horses in and in danger of running out of time so we told their crew and I walked out with the crew person to them and exhorted them to hurry hurry,  got them over the line at 7 hrs 14 minutes by my phone time.

Enjoyed visiting with various people.   Drove home on Monday and the big blue beast overheated going up Vail pass.  Drat it, I forgot to check the coolant level and it has been needing top offs.   But once it cooled off and I could put coolant and water in the pickup made it home fine.  

Paul and Sarah helped dad with chores and invited him to dinner on Saturday night.   I had to wash his jeans this morning and washed the recliner afghan and spent most of the evening upstairs because he pissed in his jeans and it smelled sooo putrid.   I think he had a blowout earlier in the day and was going commando rather than using a 2nd pair of depends.  I don't know WTF his problem is with thinking he has to minimize the amount he uses each month.  They aren't super cheap but he doesn't have the mortgage anymore so I know he can easily afford to buy 2 or 3 times as many.   

Getting excited rather than nervous about going to Moab, but thinking I will just leave in the wee hours tomorrow

I don't like having to get up and going super early to get to a ride but I didn't get a layover lined up and I'm too nervous of trying to find the basecamp in the dark and no way I can get going for another couple of hours.   So Tanza will have to overnight in a small pen here at home so I can catch him in the early morning.   Maybe I'll stick Lady in with him and take the extra 10 minutes to move her in the morning.  That should work OK.   Since he thwarts me so often for early morning starts for day riding I think I'll start penning him every time and won't bother with a company horse for day trips; but I want him munching happily and relaxing overnight with the long haul and first time going 25+ miles this year.  

So now I at least sort of have free time today, but I need to get organized that everything is in the trailer, have it turned around so not doing that in morning dark and barely woke up, take a shower and really get my hair washed well and try to get to bed early so I get some sleep before waking up at 4 am.  So I need to not just quit on my packing and so on.   Dad said he is ok to feed the horses while I'm gone,  Paul and Sarah are right next door so if he needs help all he has to do is ask them.   

Yesterday he was trying to steam cookies to soften them by having 4-5 cookies on a plastic plate over a bowl of water in the microwave. That just burned the cookies and melted the plate cuz the bottom cookie got so hot.  A bit scary because he was sitting right there and not reacting to the strong burnt sugar smell.  But if I start down the road of "I can't go anywhere cuz dad might fall or whatever" already; I am going to miss a lot of riding and end up resenting him and the sibs way too much.   He still drives himself to get his prescriptions and groceries and pays the bills each month and so on so it really isn't like he needs a minder yet.  And if he did then he could just as easily fall and not be able to get up/get to a phone when I was just gone for the day so it is not rational for me to be overly concerned about being gone for a few nights.  

And I sat at the computer "I need to get forecast find out if it is safe to put water in trailer"  and started working again on my PTO day.  THIS is why I need to take some riding trips.  I've become unable to disengage from work when I am home.   I don't work a full day but I'll poke at things on weekends when I have a spare hour and so on.   I need to stop doing that. 

Great, even the pet thread makes me feel unworthy today.

There aint no good guy, there aint no bad guy, there's just you and me and we just disagree.  And I don't think every animal has to be euthanized.  Ole seemed fine even on the day he died.  But not euthanizing Mia when we did would have been cruel.  I probably should have been better tuned in to her deteriorating condition and helped her over the bridge sooner than that day.  I have a hard time with people who talk or write like they are oh so heroic when keeping an animal alive a few extra days or weeks.  Maybe that was best for that one pet but its not best for every pet and I've seen animals with pain in their eyes and felt so badly that I couldn't spare them however many more days of that.  

I hope I'm just being a bit paranoid.  I feel like the folks I enjoy riding with are every week hoping I have other plans.   Well B has been willing to ride with me and I think M is up for most anything riding wise.  It would be J who seems to think the presence of me and Tanza would end up making her hurt.  I suppose that has been the case a few times.  Not by any insistence on my part of needing a minimum pace or distance, but by her and M thinking they should do that because I'm doing some formal events so rides were a bit longer or faster then worked for her sore hips the last couple of years.  Plus the SD trip.  I still don't recall Tanza doing anything really bad but hardly anyone ended up having a very fun trip and someone must of told B that he was scary for her to lecture me like she did on the way home.  

Well I signed up for the Moab spring ride.

I'm kind of "gulp am I ready for this?"  But I want to support a new ride and to get back into riding and not just be a slave to this grody house and too big yard outside of my work and I definitely need to take more breaks from work and get out of workaholic rut.   Part of that workaholic rut is diving into work to distract from feeling oppressed by the house and yard, but then I don't shut it off when I have non gross list of things I intended to do.