I'm so tired tonight

 I did burn goats heads I pulled last week, pulled a bunch of them on both sides of the pasture gate and mowed tumbleweeds in the horse pasture.    Dad has not eaten since having protein drink before noon today.  I'll have to wake him up if I want to make sure he gets his evening pills. 

Yesterday I rode Tanza just a bit in the smaller paddock.  Today I mowed a bit in that paddock.  I want to till or scrape to get rid of the ground hugging weeds to make nicer footing but the mowing will help.  

Sis went on trail ride with her BCR group.  Said it was fun.  I'm kind of jealous, but I did enjoy freedom of long weekends and riding vacations up until 2023.  Praying that I find a solution to be able to get away from the grind more often. 

Must catch up on paperwork this week.   I'd like to get dad to bank to get signature on his checking account and hoped the neighbor gal could help me with that tomorrow but dad has been zonked out all day so I didn't get around to asking if he wanted to do that. 

Put in an 'ad' on care.com a couple days ago

 I am ready to leave the aide service or cut way way back on using them and only fill in some when a regular caregiver couldn't cover certain hours where I want to be free.  I'm so tired of not knowing if I can really just be gone for a shift I have someone coming in for, or will it be someone who doesn't know the system and then one aide I feel like will throw away all my stuff if I'm not here to stop her.   That isn't quite true but she is a neat freak and has thrown away my water bottle that I was soaking in bleach to re-use;  ran the dishwasher for only a dozen dishes,  take all the trash liners out when she is here even when they are practically empty and there is nothing smelly in them and other stuff that is just 180 from my 'use something up' mentality.   I know little trash liners are cheap, but still what purpose is served by throwing out one day's worth of trash unless there is something smelly in it?  

And they can't even replace Dad's Telfa pad on his back if it gets wet, dirty, or is coming loose because they "can't apply medication" most of them won't even put apply the zinc oxide anti-rash cream for that reason.   Theoretically if I was not using a salve as well as the pad they could and would, or could put on just a pad but I don't trust any of them would do it.  

And I feel so rejected when one was signed up, but drops us.  I know I should not take it so personally in this day of pampered young twits that don't want to deal with any icky stuff at work and with us being a long drive yada yada but I haven't managed to convince my stupid emotions to just shrug it off.  

Finally called the young gal in the neighborhood that has a background in senior care and she is coming on Monday so I called the service and left a message to cancel this Monday's shift and told them I probably would drop all Mondays.   I am a bit nervous of the neighbor because she is very young and very liberal; but she is close; she is bored with being at home with no job and she has the senior care background so this could be very win win for both of us.   I don't want to drive her away with politics but I may try to plant a seed about how corrupt the system is and how neither party wants to let anyone who has independent viewpoints instead of the IVY group think have much say. 

How I wish I had some chick to talk to.

 That sounds lesbian since the song lyric is a guy singing about not having any date on a Saturday night.  But what I want is just someone who would listen to all my angst about getting a live in caregiver and give me a pep talk that this house is not that bad and that I am capable of spotting personalities that would be a clash and I can set something up with a trial period and then only monthly.  After all anyone doing senior care can't expect a long term arrangement since the person might die or have a health crisis where they have to go into a nursing home.    I keep thinking "everything I see on CL etc is people wanting to be right in a metro area"  but probably people who would like the serenity of rural tend to overlap with people that don't want to deal with a bunch of CL replies.   I just need to cowboy up and put in a listing for live in care on care.com plus sign up for the paid service that allows contact with folks that indicate interest when they see the listings.  

My vacation was way too short, and I didn't have Tanza in good enough shape

It was still good to be away from the hamster wheel.  I scribed for the vets the days I didn't ride and enjoyed eavesdropping on their conversations, learned a few new things.    Sucked having Tanza cramp in a hind leg at the vet check on both days I entered LDs, but I managed to take it in stride in public and pretty much overall, just a bit of moping in my trailer right after.  M and J parked right next to me.  Partly there were not a lot of options but at least it didn't feel like they were trying to avoid all contact with me.  J's mare was off after they rode the first day (hoof abscess they thought was healed up got aggravated by the riding probably.)  Tanza had been pulled the day before and was still off that morning so I decided it was no go for me to just walk one of the easy loops as a fun ride and I joined J on her hike and we had a good visit, commiseration session.   She and M are so diligent with conditioning and horse care, but J's young horse pulled a shoulder and her trusty older mare had had the hoof abscess, one of those "life is not fair" instances.   

 I resolved that I have got to cowboy up and get in an ad for a live in care giver.   Of course being me, instead of putting in an ad right away I went "I have to fix the smell downstairs first so it is more livable."    So I've been doing extra grunt work clearing out the store room and wiping up all the mouse shit.  I am partly using the dad care as an excuse for why I'm not riding much this year.   It is a factor, especially with not having a regular person where I am comfortable making plans to ride and barely seeing them before needing to take off to meet someone; but I also just have not had a burning desire to do a bunch of riding.  I want to get back to riding more next year though.  It is a good outlet for me. 

Today I rolled up the big braided style rug and took it out of the store room.   I think that was a huge source of the smell.  I had it outside, next to the entry and every time I walked by the smell smacked me, so I moved it over next to the evergreen bushes. So confirmation that I made the right decision to just trash the rug instead of trying to clean it up.    I need for the dumpster service to empty the dumpster before I put much more in it, I don't want to overflow it when the neighbors have the service.  I should ask S when the pickup is scheduled and put some stuff in there the evening before if they have not filled it yet so I don't have to worry about taking too much space on the next round.