They canceled the ride I was going to attend this weekend.

I'm fairly zen about it.  I'm a bit bummed not to have the getaway.  But catching up on rest and some of the house and yard tasks is a good thing.  Plus I reached out to my local riding buddies that do very few official events.  Sunday B and I will repeat the ride we did 2 weeks ago while M and J do a shorter loop as J is still recovering riding shape after hip replacement and then we will have happy hour at the trailhead.   I think our trails will be in great shape and it is supposed to be a nice warm day so it should be fun.   

I have started throwing away Dad's depends that he wrongly thinks could go a second day myself in the middle of the night and then running the ozone generator and instead of fuming about it and just running the OG to not enough effect.  If he says anything I will tell him he is wrong about thinking he can get 2 days of use out of them and he can afford to buy twice as many.  Less than a week into this, but so far my peace of mind is SO much increased.  

I have the work table downstairs mostly cleared off and the pictures I need to sort through and label the ones that I recognize in the main floor office area.   I need to make myself address that task for a while.  There are more outdated magazines and crap I can burn but not a lot of them.  Also I need to post some things on CL or Nextdoor that are still useable but will get no use here.   I don't know why that seems like such a huge mental and emotional effort.  I guess I'm still a big weenie about rejection when an ad gets no replies.  I need to get over that.  I'm thinking maybe posting a bunch of stuff at once may help with that personal bugaboo.  

Will have to ride solo tomorrow. I didn't make plans with anyone.

I'm so tired I'll probably just ride at home.   This is where "You have to ride cuz you entered a ride" used to come in.  It still needs to come in; I just don't feel it as strongly.  Tanza is strong, but he needs a good ride to set him up for success next week.   

Had a fun Sunday ride with B

Lots of walking through deep sand, hand galloped a good ways on an uphill road.  No falls or falling off.  Tanza had a couple of hind foot slips that I felt but nothing scary.   M and J were coming in from an early morning ride as we arrived at the trailhead so we visited for 30 minutes.   Today is back to the blahs.  I may need to be more pro-active disposing of smelly stuff.   Just running the ozone generator is not enough.   Work is all "OMG, we need to do this now, tell me EXACTLY what to do and I can do it"  Sigh. Yeah, if I have to write a document rather than you just following what is in place on the dev system and using history I can do it myself quicker.  I should not have the bad attitude,  I tend to want instructions "do this or do that myself"    But mostly if someone tells me "X needs to be done"  I'll figure out how to do it, or start and ask for detail if one or two things are tripping me up.   I have really developed an attitude of feeling like people who demand exact how-to instructions are not stuck; they are just using that as the excuse to dodge a particular task.  

The commentator I was paranoid about is posting on the big blog today.   I am relieved,  I hope he doesn't feel like I'm being a stalker sending an email this morning.  I probably worry over much that people will feel I am prying or stalking.  In general most folks enjoy knowing someone is thinking of them. 

I still can't shake fear that HQ members are going to die plus I have such low energy

 This sucks.   I know it is a common feeling and I need to just force myself to do some living but so hard to claw out of the rut of low energy,  fear that I'll fall off the horse and get hurt that makes me hesitant to ride when its breezy.  Plus fear that I'll learn that another HQ commenter that I enjoyed has died.  Plus the big dread that Biden and his clown cabinet are going to start WW3 or at minimum start a major global economic depression. 

I'm getting paranoid now that horde members will die

 A long time member posted Tuesday that he thought he and B and SiL were all having long covid or lingering covid.  Had not felt horribly sick but zero energy for a week and maybe he should drag himself out to try to buy horse paste.   Aaack, what is it with people not spending $30 ahead of time in case they get sick? but I reached out to his contact info which was not a direct email to offer to send him some overnight and he responded wed morning with his address and was posting on the blog pretty actively the first part of the day.    Now I haven't seen his nic today or an email response (USPS probably hasn't even delivered yet in Oregon) and I'm in a minor tizzy of "oh no, did he take a sudden downturn?" 

It isn't just completely groundless paranoia after recent deaths of some horde members, but it is pretty darned early to go from annoyance at having the schlepp to the PO to feeling a bit of panic that he may have left it too late to say/do anything.  Breathe in, breath out,  trust that even if I have another pang of loss that all the souls who have passed from the earthly plane are having perfect peace and safety in God's hands.