summer doldrums

My friend is expecting in January.   I didn't even know she was getting married.  In fact I'm not 100% sure she did marry even after getting on FB to see what I had missed.   She has wanted to be a parent for years, I'm happy for her but also a bit envious that she is realizing her dream and I am treading water trying to avoid going into a serious depression and wondering whether to sell this place and finally 'run away from home' or try to get a housemate or 2 to make being here more enjoyable.   Obviously I am not a close friend.   She is one of my few friends but she is super social and has a huge circle of friends. 

The neighbor and friend that took care of dad and still comes weekly and cleans the floors and counters and does laundry is probably expecting as well.   

And I am just getting through the days and have punted on wrapping up the last bit of settling dad's estate.  Blah. 

Decisions, decisions

 I need to call the hay lady's son in the real estate business and see what he thinks this place might sell for.  

I also need to get an ad somewhere for a roommate and do Farmers Only or something like it.   If I got a great roommate perhaps staying here is the best option.   But I am feeling unloved in the neighborhood.  I'm trying to engage more but I feel like I'm only getting polite acceptance because they all liked dad.  

If I had a partner to help, setting up a new place would feel a lot more doable and I could shake the colorado dust off my sandals when I left.   I feel like the commiecrats will keep the state in a death spiral for my lifetime if not forever.  I'm a bit hesitant to sell because the sibs will probably think they should get a cut if the place did sell for a lot.  But I could give them some money up to the gift tax limit for a year or 3 to keep family peace.  Staying here but not enjoying it just because "the sibs will feel screwed if I sell and get a lot of $"  would be stupid.    

Late P.S.  my big fear with moving is I would be just as lonely and unconnected in a new place, if not more so.  I probably should get on some dating sites and try to connect with someone else who would like to move away from cali lite.  

I feel flat as a pancake today

 The neighborhood ladies were texting about the 4th parade a month ago.   Someone wrote "I miss Carl and his tractor"  Which morphed into "we should have a Carl memorial tractor" which morphed into "lets make it a memorial for all the neighborhood folks, and also pets that died recently.   The night after that was set up I was tossing and turning and went "I don't want to drive dad's tractor as his stand-in for the parade,  I was thinking I'd ride CJ in the parade but since they wanted Carl memorial I had the middle of the night thought to do a riderless horse, but hunting theme and not so somber and spit shined as a military funeral procession.    

So this was the result.    I got myself walking regularly the month before so I'd be fit and took CJ out once, and he led fine so I figured this will work.   UGH,  CJ was channeling RazzMo and Tanza, acting all goosey about the tractors and 4 wheelers with flags.   He finally settled down after a few blocks but I was still having to really hold him to make sure he didn't get ahead of me and circle around me.  But I got him through the parade and back home.   

I don't think a single person in the neighborhood got what I was doing.  The folks at the start just saw a rambunctious horse and if anyone understood the symbolism of the backwards boots and the cap on the saddle horn they never said so to me.  I texted the pics I took of CJ and of the tractor the neighbors decorated to sis and asked if she had gotten in a trail ride late that afternoon.  She had, she sent me a selfie;  NOT one WORD about CJ or the tractor memorial and she got her check from the insurance company that was a PITA to deal with earlier in the week, I got mine as well.  She texted to make sure the split was correct cuz of the extra dividends on it but of course didn't bother to include a "thanks sis"  

I need to be riding Tanza and slowly rehabbing his stifle but I was so exhausted from the parade walk and from people overload attending the potluck.  I brought watermelon and someone else had already set up a huge bowl of nice melon.  I didn't enjoy the food as much as last year.  They may have just boiled the dogs and they had them all in buns so I took one with a crappy hot-dog bun to be polite.   There were deviled eggs and I had some and I had lots of yummy desserts but no one brought tater salad.  Lucky I bought some store stuff last week,  I added some pickles and onions to it today to make it taste more like good tater salad.  

So I'm just feeling tired and deflated today.   

Evening P.S.  I rode Tanza and he was off afterwards not super ouchie ouchie stabbing his toe but landing on the toe  and a bit short stride.  Arghh.  I didn't put surpass on it or anything.  I will see if he is still landing on his toe tomorrow.   If so I guess I need to set up to have his joint injected.   I'm thinking possibly just a  bit of overwork, (or perhaps it was him scooting through the gate when I went into the paddock) won't really set him back but who knows.   Buying another horse doesn't feel wise, but life is so much easier when you can just get a good ride on the weekends and that is their conditioning for distance riding.  Tanza is probably going to need to be ridden 3-4 times week always now.   It might be good for me to be forced to ride that often;  I just don't want to mess up that stifle and have him permanently lame.