Another weekend and I made no riding dates.

 Sighhh,  I need to get over my fear of rejection and be trying to make 'dates' to meet at a trailhead with other riders.   But the horses are enjoying grass this morning.   I decided I need to see if Tanza can handle a bit of pasture romping.    He seemed a bit off as he was trotting in circles waiting for me to open the gate, sigh again.  Stupid Taj has been stuck in the fence the last two mornings.   I suppose I should try to find some short mesh fencing and put around the bottom of his pen.   I need to get my butt to TSC to pick up beet pulp and their store brand SR feed that the dinks get.  

Yay, co-worker is having a baby

It's a good thing,  the world needs smart people to have children.   Sadly my main reaction is "oh great, we'll be even MORE short staffed with good old w4h's expected to pick up the slack".   Actually probably the big thing is my supervisor will stretching herself even more thin, and V will have less time to develop the skills to replace me down the road, the expectant mom mainly does tasks I've not been involved with.

But that assumes our group will even still exist down the road when I retire.   I'm in a catch 22.   I dive into work to keep from going into a depression spiral because I have such a hard time connecting with people.  But then I don't feel like I can make time for social activities.  

I want to give some Gibb's slaps

  Or at least one.   The brand new hire is refusing to understand me telling him that his little python code to convert formats is bad.  Even before that misunderstanding of what I plainly told him, I was pissed that he only did the most basic preliminary check that the starting values matched but had never looked at the end of the converted file to make sure the values still matched and had wasted a good chunk of mine and V's time processing data with clock files that were garbage because his python converter loses it place somewhere and is outputting garbage by the end of the file.   grrrr grrr grrr. 

Then V herself.  'big boss is concerned because ONE day has lower #s and needs that explained before approving the results for publishing.   She checked and the prelim file type inventory itself is low, but big boss wants to know why is it low.  It is probably because the level0 file for that day was low on data, but working for horses is not pulled enough different ways already because no one can bother to review the basics of their job before just expecting me to give them a quick fix with no effort on their part and big boss has to have every I dotted and every t crossed, EXCEPT when big boss is express-laning CRAP code from the senior software engineer who always thinks his new code is perfect and doesn't need to be tested on data other than the one or two samples he used to develop it.   So tired of that crap, especially since big boss is taking a whole lot of PTO lately and expecting my supervisor who was already over loaded to pick up his slack.   

I got the Blahs.

 That was a kid's book from my childhood.  I tried to go to a sunrise service on Sunday, but they had listed the wrong time on their web page; and I didn't go to the church's FB or think "hmm, that time is after sunrise" or anything so I got there for only the last 5 minutes of the service.   Sweet people, they invited me to come to their regular 10 am service in their church but I didn't go.   I checked out their website when I got home and wasn't sure I wanted to engage with a 'contemporary services' church.   Although the bit of service I heard was okay so I might check them out later.  Not sure whether to try the church that many neighbors go to or not.   Feels like they are avoiding me at home, maybe me going to their church would warm them to me, but maybe they would feel like I was stalking them. 

I didn't text or call sibs, thought they might have plans, plus decided to see if they would text or call me - they didn't.  I did get the Purple@tm mattress from the non-maintained road where I ride and get it cut up and in my dumpster.   Weirdest thing, maybe an hour after I had got back from fetching that thing the neighborhood text group went hot.  The neighbor that lives right by the corner where that spot is spotted someone heading to illegally dump some stuff.   The litterer got their pickup stuck.  HA! karma caught up with them.  It looked like a pickup that had dumped a whole rotted out camping trailer there a few weeks ago.   The really weird thing is the person abandoned the pickup and fled on foot when the police came.   

So now I wonder if they had stolen that pickup, or if they were an illegal with a warrant for something and were scared they'd get deported.   There is a considerable fine for littering, but I don't think the fine would be higher than the value of that pickup, it looked fairly new in the pic the neighbor took of it on the tow truck.    Side note,  the mattress was heavy.  It was all I could do to get it on B's flatbed.  After all the commotion I am like "thank you god for looking out for me that I was not coincident with the dumper, they might have stolen B's pickup" , I left it idling cuz I haven't driven it in ages and thought it could use the battery charging.

I rode Tanza,  he hardly stood for me to do a few minutes of laser treatment.   I need to ride him in the pen or pasture next time.  He seems ouchy on the road and I think that is just him being sensitive to the rocks with no shoes on, it doesn't feel like he is limping on the back leg with the fractured sesamoid bones that I think are fairly healed up now.  If he is sound in the paddock, then I'll try hoof boots on him and see if he can handle going down the hard pack road.   I might take him to CSU for another check.  I'd like to know more clearly where he is at.   I'd like to get a good evaluation from Dr Mike, but when he did vaccinations he just looked at Tanza trot with no flexion and said "start riding him at a walk,  he will always react to flexion now and not be sound for riding faster for any length of time"   I could just ride Tanza, gradually increasing distance and possible doing a bit of trotting,  I just don't trust myself to know what is going on anymore and I don't want to overdo and be missing Tanza trying to tell me "this is an ouch".  

Neighbors had their friends over for Easter dinner I think.  The sunrise service had pancake and sausage breakfast after, fundraiser for a youth building they want to build and I ate that and gave them a 50 buck donation.  Then I just munched the rest of the day.   I have so much fish, and ring sausage in the freezer I should cook up some day but I never feel like making it.   Maybe as weather gets nice I'll fire up the grill and cook the fish, it is nice to keep the fish smell out of the house.  

Still battling my pissy mood, mood swings

 Not sure its mood swings, more like just being weepy too much of the time.  But I'm trying to fight that,  I am overall pretty blessed.  Yesterday I let horses out to graze on the crappy bit of pasture.   I put Tanza in with Lady so he wouldn't overdo it.    He was not having it, and was over doing things fussing, so I haltered him and led him out to the group.    I did not see him favoring his right hind any when I fed grain later in the day; that kept my mood up yesterday.   I guess I have it in my head that I am going to die and or have health issues keeping me out of the saddle before I hit 70, I think about getting a younger horse and doing endurance again but I keep shying away from doing it, especially a young Arabian.   If I got a stock horse breed that would be kid safe I could probably rehome it if I become unable to ride; but Arabians are harder to place.   But I don't particularly WANT  to get an older kid safe horse.   I thought I'd like to have the neighbor kids start coming to ride again; but when they came over and I tried Taj and he bucked their friend off I think it scared them off.   And if they are not wanting to ride enough to get on CJ and to do a bit more grooming and shit before riding it would be plumb loco to buy a horse just to suit their needs. 

Plus I still might sell this place and move.   I need to contact the gal that I think coordinates the neighborhood bible study and ask about joining.   If they rebuff me after inviting L to try to evangelize her a few years ago I think that will be the "here's your sign" from god that I need to finally grow up and find my own place to live.   I know I avoided joining neighborhood activities when I was commuting 5 days/week and hauling out to ride or do overnights at endurance rides and just got the condensed version of what was happening from dad visiting with everybody.  But if they can't let that go now when I am lonely, then I need to get a fresh start and try to connect with new neighbors right away wherever I land. 

The dog has more social life than I do

 Yesterday after I fed the mini's Toby was eating on a hoof bit from the Apr 11 farrier visit; then he went over to visit the neighbors,  I called him a couple times about 1/2 hour apart before they must have went inside or whatever, and  Toby had come back to our yard and was ready to come in.    It is sweet that they don't mind him coming over.   A couple weeks ago they texted me a picture of Toby hanging out with them while they were relaxing with their solo fire pit and I walked over after I fed the minis and I got a weird vibe, felt like they were not happy that I invited myself over to join the dog and them.  They did chat with me for several minutes until they had to go pick up the kids from the church activity group; and I guess if they were really not wanting to be around me they would have said they had to leave right away and would have just taken a scenic drive before picking up the kids, but I did get a vibe of "we didn't intend to invite you by showing the dog over here" 

few days later P.S.  Neighbor just texted the whole group about buying a small bale of hay for doing petting zoo at their church in a couple of weeks.   It's great, another neighbor that is not keeping horses at home anymore has one to sell her.   Just feels odd; in the past they normally would have asked dad, or dad and me first.   Wonder if they will borrow a trailer from another neighbor as well?   I have no idea what I did or am doing to make them want to avoid me, which sucks; don't know if there is something I should apologize for, or if I run my mouth too much when I'm visiting, which I try to avoid but I don't always realize I'm not letting other folks have time to voice their thoughts or some totally random thing that is not even on my radar.  

made equestrian singles a 6 mo. paid subscription and signed up for several FB groups

 Neighbor was like "you should check out some women in the saddle over 50 group to search for a housemate.   NONE of the ones I checked allow any kind of 'promotion'  so I don't think that is going anywhere but perhaps I can find a riding buddy.  Most of B's friends are south of Denver and I think are trending to going extra far south to get away from Denver crowds so that is not so easy for me being north of Denver, and I believe I failed to meet their happy hour after riding and horsemanship standards.  I was trying not to be a sponge, but I'm not organized and when I was trying to bring beer, even buying what I thought they liked, they didn't seem too interested.   Oh well, distance is a huge issue anyway so I need to try to find people that ride on trails that are a closer drive for me. 

Maybe I should subscribe to a yoga routine

 I'm literally yelling at the monitor at times the last few days.   I'm trying to be more chill but it aint easy.

I tried to list my house share on FB marketplace.  They require an ID to list on marketplace, this is a good thing overall, but probably FB will cancel my account because I signed up with my last initial spelled out like it was a name instead of letting those voracious thugs have my actual name when I signed up with them 10+ years ago, so now my real ID does not match my FB name.   

So frustrated at work too.   I knew that trying to deal with TKWs code would be a nightmare.   Writing the wrapper for it was nothing but of course mr autistic scientist had to use the newest possible fortran and whatever versions instead of asking IT and our ops group what versions we are and will use and developing his code in that framework.   I'm so sick of the BS of the scientists doing that.  They should be capable of understanding that having custom latest greatest outside packages in their home directories is ok when they are writing tools just to analyze data to create papers but if they have a grant to develop a product they need to be developing that product with the packages we use for operations.   We have FISMA requirements up the wazoo and cannot just install their shiny new tool that gave them a shortcut or something on the 30+ systems used in operations.    Stupid jerks, and stupid jerk managers for having let them do this in the past. 

Got the horse pens cleaned today

I went and got the 3 twin mattresses that some toad had left at the corner of the road I like to ride on.   I think they are spring coil but I was able to fold one and tie it and get in the dumpster.   If I can tie the next two more tightly I can probably get them both in the dumpster.   Cut down the dead tree by the horses water tank while waiting for Paul to get home from church and lunch out.  I could have gotten the mower off and the blade on myself if I had too but he offered to swap them for me and I'm not good at it.  

I even did some quick cleaning of the mini's pen.   Pulled some of the wet hay away from the fence to the middle of their pen.  I want to till it in someday.   And then where they had a bunch of wet hay by the gate I used the tractor bucket to 'rake' it back and then scooped up 3 bucket loads of it.  The second  was only about 1/2 a load, but I grabbed the manure fork and loaded it full for the last trip.   

I was worried about Taj sneaking out of the pen when I went in with the tractor and thought, 'I'll push the gates open with the tractor as I go.   DUMB move.   I caught the gate with the bucket and didn't notice and pulled the big railroad tie post the gate is mounted to off kilter.  It looks like the post just moved in the sand vs breaking so I jacked up the gate to get the post sat and tamped the post and when I released the jack it wasn't as bad but was still off so I jacked it up again high as the jack wanted to go for me and tamped it again and left the jack under the gate.   Maybe it will set up better overnight.  

Took an ibuprofen with a beer plus had some frosted shredded wheat and pretzels.   My right shoulder and neck are whining hard.   I should make myself look over my left shoulder half of the time the next time I am backing the tractor a lot to clean pens.  But tonight I will take an Alleve and hopefully the NSAIDs will work so I'm not too stiff and sore tomorrow.    

P.S.   The post did hold this morning.    Yesterday I also did a load of laundry and vacuumed the entryway.  I need to get pics of the basement room and dad's horse trailer and do FB marketplace posts.  Yesterday when I took the tractor back to P's yard he and S had just put the cows away after letting them graze in their yard so I didn't text or call him that I was finished since I was sure couldn't have missed hearing the tractor.   They did not turn and make any contract with me and I was in a hurry to get back home to fix my gate post so I didn't try to initiate contact with them.    I keep feeling a weird vibe that they want to avoid me.   If I had been born 20 years later than I was, I'd probably have a diagnosis of 'being on the spectrum', or Asperger syndrome.   I do fit the Asperger symptoms,  though not too strongly IMO.   Regardless I have very low confidence in my ability to pick up on social cues and I don't want to be a pest, so I err on the side of deciding people are busy and don't want to talk to me. 

Shoulder and neck feel pretty good today so the NSAIDs and pain wizard last night did the trick.

Ughh. Of course Colorado is not one of the 25 states that allows IRS direct file

And of course I am over the limit to use the free file option.   Well I'm not going to be forced to buy one of the commercial online tax softwares.    The IRS can just scan in my paper return until they talk Colorado into getting on board with the direct file option.  I was thinking I had used E-file last year, but that must have just been dad's taxes that I filed for him. 

And maybe someday they will allow to report the schedule E directly on the 1040 instead of having to fill it out, and be forced to fill in just one line on schedule 1, 2 times of course because its the schedule E,  then total extra income to report on the 1040.   Such a lot of stupid hoops when I have just the one small royalty payment I have to add.