I almost posted my rant on an internet BB

Thought better of whinging there.  I've vented about the situation before and it would be too close to gossiping behind backs.    But as I was typing up my whine I remembered that most folks I met in real life were pretty close to how I had thought of them from internet posts.   It really is this one case where the postings have been so much about how hard-working they were, volunteering for flood cleanup, volunteering to clean stalls for critters evacuated due to fires etc.  And then with me, doing nothing that I don't tell them they need to do.   I'm not a great manager, naturally telling folks "make sure you do this and this and that"  so it annoys me highly when I *expect* that I would not have to demand basic courtesy chores be done and find out the hard way that nothing more than what I spelled out in advance gets done.

I am so cynical and yet not cynical enough

I have always had a pretty high level of cynicism for 'too good to be true' deals from anonymous public.  And I have developed a pretty good level of  'yes the public is so dumb they will fail to see through the media'  thanks to cases like Matt Shepherd.   I knew that WY was no hotbed of of homophobia but even I figured it was possible that a couple of young men were so full of hatred that they killed Matt because a gay man had flirted with them.   Then came to find out that that was just a media invention and inspired the killers  lawyer to use a lame 'gay panic' defense but that folks who were involved in the case knew that Matt was a meth dealer and the pair that killed him were clients, one was on a 5 day meth bender and was bisexual and had been in bed with Shepherd.  But they wanted to present a narrative that gays needed special protections from the masses who were not enlightened like the rich urbane folks.

But still I tend to take people that I meet, even through internet bulletin boards at face value when they post about all the stuff they do and then find myself disappointed and angry when I find that when I do them favors like hauling their horse, or even giving the horse a quick boot camp when it was getting unruly to nip in the bud the chance of it going outlaw they just take the favor, mumble a quick thank you and slip off w/o cleaning up the horses pen even though the mom has bragged online a lot about how they cleaned up the pen of the neglected horse they took under their wing.

Perhaps I should have been flattered that they knew they didn't have to worry that I'd leave their horse standing in shit over his fetlocks, but I was pissed that they didn't clean up after him when they came out to ride.   Then it was "oh you are on the *cookie list*"  We always bake Xmas cookies for folks that have done nice stuff for us during the year.  Except I found out they came to the town where I work, but didn't bother to stop to leave me any after several postings about how I was getting cookies.   I didn't need any dumb  cookies but to have been told over and over about what they were baking and oh you were so nice you are on this list it was a let down when they didn't bother to bring me any.

Last year it was hauling them to Garden of the Gods and cleaning all the horse pens where we stayed, not just cleaning up after my horse, but I told myself it was ok since they did the supper, but when the taking them to an endurance ride this year turned into "R *has* to volunteer for band the night before"  and I had to demand that twin brother J come so I would have some help when I thought about it and was like "oh shit I can't handle that by myself"  it was kind of the last straw for me.    J was a great help but I'm still so annoyed at prima donna R and mom that I don't want to do anything with the family anymore.      But I feel a bit bad that J is paying price for the lazy sister and the mom that is not discouraging sister from using the fluttering lashes to get out of doing the work for what she wants.

So should have been using fly masks

Tanzaknight and RazzMo got pink-eye from the flies hanging right around their eyes.  I skipped going to a ride Oct 8th to ensure I didn't spread something contagious or overly stress Tanzaknight when he might be under the weather.

Vet was out today and figures it is a horse version of pink-eye.   They got their tear ducts flushed from  the nostril end, some ointment and advice to use fly masks on them and put antibiotic ointment in the eyes for 5 days if they will let me.   So I feel like a bad horse owner for not using fly masks the last few weeks when the flies did start hanging around the horses' faces so heavily.   Grey Moun removed his mask when I was trying to be nice to him and I had decided to skip masking and had never even tried them for Tanza.

I was not severely bummed to miss the ride because I had thought way out that only 2 weeks after the Spanish Peaks ride might not allow enough recovery time but then Tanzaknight was so strong at the end of that ride, didn't have any fill in his leg issues or weight loss so I had thought 'ok we may as well go to this last ride for the season'  Oh well.  It was not a bad ride season compared to the lean years when Shade was starting to the arthritis and before I got Sadie.   We entered and completed 5 rides for 205 miles.   We won't get any MRER award because I moved up to 50s after the first 2 rides but completing the BigHorn 50,  getting through the Mtn Mettle after the trailer tire loss and no real sleep from trying to sleep in cab of dad's pickup and finishing the Spanish Peaks ride feeling good is better than getting a fleece vest or jacket.  

Love my little red horse

Tanzaknight finished the Spanish Peaks 50 with about 9 hours ride time,  1 hour faster than Mtn Mettle and looking pretty strong.   He did have a bit of erratic heartbeat at the 2nd VC and finish.  Vet  said that was probably a little electrolyte imbalance.   He ate less than 1/2 of his big overnight mash with electrolytes in it so I probably should have given him some elytes in the morning before starting the ride.    For future I'm going to offer him mini-meals with 1/2 doses of electrolytes to try to get more of the slow release ones in him and have a better idea where he is.  And I will skip the calcium addition JIC that was putting him off eating.

I think I rode better and that helped Tanza be less tired even though I did less conditioning miles on him while I was fiddling with what bit to use,  german martingale and length on it and putting on a balance rein to keep from bumping his mouth when his trot got bouncy at home.   At the ride I just used the saddle pommel and did not worry about keeping tension on the reins.   Tanza did a good job of not running up on the horse in front of him or getting too fast when we were not in a group.

He is SO FUN to ride at these events.  Oddly he gets a bit more keyed up at home and is harder to ride.  Sadie is the opposite.  She gets keyed up even at home but she tends to get so hyper its not fun at group events.  So betwixt them both I have it covered,  if I networked more and could get riding dates for working Tanza on a regular schedule to get him legged up well I think he has so much natural ability that he could become a competitive horse and run for ride placings and season points totals.    Having that potential is already leading me to stretch myself more than I have in several years; perhaps he will turn me into a serious rider rather than just a piddler as I have been.

I hope Dad can learn to not overcook when we get his buffalo

Everything I've read is that it is extra important to leave meat a bit more rare when it is extra lean.   Well burgers were not extra lean and burgers so I wouldn't have wanted them pink.  But they did not need to be cooked to the point that the edges were nearly hockey pucks, sigh.   But at least I got out of cooking beyond heating some pork and beans to with them and it was so late that I was not very hungry anyway.   I am still struggling to keep myself in a decent mood this weekend.   ARGGHH.

Damn crystal ball.  I should have gone to the ride up in WY.  The change of scenery would probably have been very helpful even if I ended up yawning all next week at work.  Oh well I do not have a time machine.   I need to try to get a riding date for labor day Monday.   I'm actually toying with idea of coaxing dad to ride if I cant hook up with an endurance rider.  Tanza is so keyed up at home and I've been tensing as a result and we feed each others tension instead of having a nice relaxed ride. 

TGIF

Well kind of,  at least there will be no work crap for 3 days.   And next week at work should be smoother with all the PITA bosses gone.   I suspect they are viewing me as a very PITA underling, but dragon lady has to dragon.   I  WANT the group to survive and I have serious concern that it might implode if some changes are not made, changes the bosses are reluctant to make.  

But it is lonely to be the dragon.  No one dares challenge me, but there is no comaraderie.   And I self-inflict wounds with doubting, wondering if I should have bit my tongue and so forth.

But I am a survivor and I WILL come through this.   The most they can do to me anytime soon is non-renew my position and I might have some free time while eligible for unemployment benefits and I can always cashier or drive truck to pay bills.   To do a fire with cause they need a long paper trail of warnings and shit or a serious offense.  Its always easier for them to go "oh dear, your position is being eliminated, sorry we have to lay you off."

I'm feeling blue because I didn't get a health certificate for Tanza and talked myself out of going to the ride this weekend because I thought I might be asked to have a sit down meeting with bosses on why/how etc to work changing the position/duties of the problem senior software person.  But they blew it off.  They are probably hoping I'll drop it by the time they get back.  I am concerned that the frustrated and super talented junior software engineer may decide that things are not going to get better and leave if the management doesn't act.

I also thought I would get more done at work generally and not so much.  Oh well.  I'll have time next week, with no one in the office to come with new demands.

Did I speak too soon?

I am feeling edgy again today.   I cannot imagine why my boss suddenly wanting good results from project that was dropped because I couldn't fix it so they went and hired an orbital expert who comes in November puts me out of joint /sarc.

I am wondering if response to my email was just a diversionary "oh yes,  I understand your feelings" gambit.  But I do know that he was going to cut out the problem by making the group "flat" but the former group boss who was moved up to managing program talked my direct boss out of it.  And big boss had a point,  if group was completely flat my boss would have to spend too much time on the PITA CYA paperwork that HR demands.  But big boss was probably also protecting feelings of his long time friend and refusing to admit making any mistake w/ making friend the supervisor for software development.

  They need to get pink elephant out of the way of the software/tech wizard.  They could leave him supervising me,  have the new hire 'supervise' the young software team (tell her she just has to do the HR crapola,)  the team members are very self directed and don't need management except to get the elephant out of the way to the extant possible.  He is a problem for never wanting to get on board with things we HAVE to do because we signed a contract that we would have IT security and whatnot and it makes it hard for the ones who have to develop stuff when the stubborn employee who is dragging their heels on getting on board is called their supervisor.  

I guess I do have to say minerals are helping though because I don't feel quite as edgy as I would have last week.   Still god bless the inventor of sudoku.    Focusing on the little numerical puzzles helps me get over emotional angst and be able to do work again.

I am tempted to run up to ride in WY this weekend.  I had thought I would skip it, because its a long drive but I am feeling like I could use a change of scenery.